A
female
age
41-50,
*lkaline
writes:I am pretty sure that my boyfriend and I had the fight that has totally ended our relationship last night. Now I sit here wondering where I went wrong. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and have been living with him for the past year. Our relationship has gotten rocky over the past few months and we have both had short fuses on petty conflicts that have come up....and these petty conflicts escalate into him not talking to me for days on end. Telling me I need to change certain things about myself. Telling me I am acting like a whiny teenager. Telling me I should grow up, that I am self-centered, and cold-hearted. That I don't respect him. And when we get in fights some things I say makes him feel like I don't care for him...which is not the case. I love this man with all of my heart...but these accusations over tiny arguments that he is equally a part of has left me tired and heartbroken. For instance, here is a rundown of our fight to "end all" that went on last night. It was the night before going to a concert of my favorite performer of all time and someone offered me a front row ticket. He didnt seem to thrilled. He said it wouldnt be fair for me to be up front and him to sit in the middle. I did understand that. but, i tried to explain to him. since it was free i would take the ticket and stand in the front for one or two songs. that still didnt fly with him. I then told him, since he likes the performer too, that i would just let him use the ticket bc i think it would be an amazing experience for one of us. He still didnt want the ticket. and this upset me. It seemed to me that he was trying to control me...and hold me back from something that may be a once in a lifetime experience. and i even tried to compromise with him. but, he got upset at me for asking again about the tickets and i ended up apologizing to him. The next day we went to the show. and everything was awesome until we ran into the girl who was going to give me the ticket. I explained to her with him standing there that i was going to have to pass it up and i said i was bummed that i would have to miss out on it but i didnt want to leave him sitting back by himself. He got mad at that. He said I embarrassed and belittled him in front of someone he didnt know. Just because i said bummed out. During the show, i was still being considerate and trying to have a good time. I bought some drinks and shared them with him. When the performer took the stage..i was very excited and i grabbed his arm, gave him a hug and poked him in the side...and he turned to me and said that i was going to have to hold off on the poking and grabbing so i took it as i was annoying him. so i focused on the show. i let it go even though it made me feel bad. So a couple more songs in i leaned over and was about ready to make a comment about how good the show was so far. ..and he stopped me dead in my tracks by holding his hand up so i would not talk..and he said i am trying to hear what he is saying. So I rolled my eyes at him said a curse word...and now he is not talking to me. and he is spending the night on someone's couch so he doesnt have to be around me. He said he is tired of my crap. and all i said above. I am not leaving anything out. and all of our other fights are equivalent to this. any insight on what may be going wrong here?
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female
reader, penta +, writes (12 July 2007):
 It sounds like he has accumulated hurts, such that each thing adds to the next.
I'm not saying he's totally right, but I can see why the ticket issue bothered him. Honestly, it would have bothered me if the performer was more important to my S.O. than I was (which is how it looks when you want to split up to see the concert and leave him alone).
Then you blamed it all on him (even if you said it nicely) in front of a stranger, making him look bad. You should have said, "You know, I'd rather stay with him. If you had two tickets and we could both go ... but he's more important." This is instead of the patronizing: I don't want to leave him alone (subtle, but important). In the latter you're blaming him for your disappointment.
Here's where the accumulated hurt came in -- after these hurts, he was unable to get past them and you couldn't do anything right. Talking during a concert may or may not be a problem, depending on the listener, but at this point he was beyond giving you the benefit of the doubt.
If you're fighting a lot right now, they you have a lot to do to clear the air. And you're going to have to leave your current tactics behind, they clearly aren't working.
Make an appointment to talk. Remain calm no matter what is said. Let him talk first. Say something like: "We need to clear the air. I know you're hurt, and I want to apologize. I'd like to give you the chance to say fully what's wrong, and I promise I won't interrupt to defend. I'm just going to let you say it."
Then DO THAT.
Try to take a step out and see why some of the things might bother him, and stop trying to be the one who's right. If he's this unhappy, you can't be completely right; you need to find a compromise. At this point, you can be right, or you can be alone.
You might repeat what he's said to make sure you've heard it. "So when I did ___ you felt ___. I'm really sorry you felt that way." (Note you're not apologizing for doing whatever hurt him, you're feeling sorry that he was hurt.) If you "didn't get it" let him try again until he's sure you understand. Then: "What can I do to keep you from getting hurt again?" He won't be ready to forgive you until he feels heard and understood. http://www.ehow.com/how_4415_forgive.html
This may not be the time to talk to him about _your_ hurts. It will sound like the only reason you heard him out was to get to YOUR issues. Since he's the one feeling overwhelmed, you need to just listen for now.
But if you get over this time, the two of you need to develop more productive fights or you're not going to make it. By this I mean an argument where everyone feels heard, no one called names or hit below the belt, everyone takes responsibility for the part of the problem that could be theirs, and the air is cleared afterwards.
Try this http://www.ehow.com/how_2041840_save-your-relationship.html
Good luck.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 July 2007):
 He's trying to control you. Everything has to be his way or the highway. He must have very low self-esteem. I'll bet if you don't try to contact him, he'll come sniffing around very soon. What you need to do is take this time and really think about your relationship. If you think that having a long talk with him about this will help change his behavior then when the time is right, have it. But you have to be prepared for the fact that he will only blame you for any problems in your relationship and will continue with his effort to control you. You may be happier without him.
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A
female
reader, flyingskirt +, writes (12 July 2007):
lol that is so funny. sounds like he is projecting. aside from the projection, he's just a young thing and needs to mature some more. has he been like this for the past 2 years?
be wise and decide if he'll change or stay like this. it's up to you-- accept this immaturity for the next 3-4 years as his temporary state of being, accept it as his permanent state of being. if 3-4 years is too long for you (bc 3-4 years down the line you may come to realize his state of being is actually permanent) then just break up now.
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