A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've been reading over the porn and sex topics on this site and noticed a lot of variations but i am after some advice, and especially after a male perspective.. I have been with my boyfriend not long - about 6 months, and i am happy to say (after many disappointments in the past) that he is almost perfect in every way, so i'd like to do whats in my power to make it work. Prior to dating me, i was aware that he was a bit of a player and often avoiding getting into relationships because he had trouble maintaining an interest, among other things. Compared to previous boyfriends, he didn't seem to want sex nearly as much but still enough to keep me happy. He said this was because the whole relationship thing is still "new" to him. I was aware that he watched a bit of porn, and still does, and i struggled with this at first but have come to accept it since he is open and honest with me about it and i know he only does it occasionally.Recently however, he has been initiating sex less and less and me being female, take it as a failure on my part. He told me he loves me and still finds me attractive and when we actually do it, its great. It's just getting to that point. He says he doesn't have as strong urges when it comes to me and thinks about me less when hes on his own, and i appreciate his honesty.I've asked my friends advice and some say its normal for couples to get bored, and tell me new things i could try to spice up our sex life. But most of the things they've listed - we've already done. Other friends tell me to play hard-to-get and less available. That makes me wonder if I've been too available as we spend a lot of time together and he knows i'll never turn him down. Im worried my availability and our honesty and openness has lost the mystery in our relationship. When i spoke to him last i said that i was worried he just saw me as a friend since he doesn't seem attracted to me as much, and he said its a possibility since passion and urges should come naturally. Is that true? What also confuses me is that he said he's got a low sex drive lately (possibly work stress, etc) but he still looks at porn on occasion. I can't help but feel im doing something wrong yet he assures me I'm beautiful and he's attracted to me, and ive always been quite confident with my body and how i use it. He tells me that i shouldn't blame myself that his libido has gone down, because it's a problem that lies with him. I feel horrible since my attraction to him is growing whereas his seems to be dying.. Is there anything in my power that i can do to change this situation? He said he definitely wants to be with me and wants to make it work but I'm doing my head in. My question is, is this normal so early into a relationship? And how can i go about fixing this?Thanks and apologies for the long post.
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libido, player, porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Hi
This guy might be a good friend, but your lover...
The info is to little for really understanding everything to give a 100% advise.
Realize that there are many realations where the woman has much more libido than the man.
Find someone who really wants and needs you as much as you needs him. And ofcourse, besides the most important in a relation (making love) there are other things like harmony, same expectations of life etc etc.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's interesting that the two females say its bad and i should leave him.
Thankyou for the feedback, however i would really appreciate a guy's perspective in answering my question:
Is this normal? and if so/if not,
How do i go about fixing it?
I have no intention of leaving him.
& as ive already stated, he only occasionally watches porn - i know this for a fact. I am aware of what porn addiction involves (i have previously been involved with an addict) and i am 100% confident my current boyfriend isn't one. In fact, he is the complete opposite in that his libido has decreased in all aspects of his life, myself included.
I am more concerned with the fact this is his first real relationship and he may have trouble maintaining interest, and if theres anything i can do to change the situation.
Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): This sounds like the typical pattern of a porn addict...I would bet he engages in masturbation on a daily basis. You would be wise to leave him to his own hands, there is nothing you can do to change this situation. Sexual addiction stems from the hormones produced by orgasm, he cannot get the jolt of excitement he seeks from you. He more than likely does love but he is as incapable of giving himself wholey to you as you are able to give half yourself to him.
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A
male
reader, SinVA  +, writes (6 December 2008):
Maybe try spicing things up a little. Put on some sexy outfits and role play a little, see what turns him on and then use it.
To be honest, as a 21 year old male, in my last relationship I was always trying to have sex with my ex, and her lack of a sex drive was one of the main reasons we didn't work out. I guess different people enjoy different amounts of sexual contact. From my knowlegde, most guys at our age should be pretty sexual, atleast once every other day. I know I am more along the of atleast once a day, and more if willing, and my ex's inability to be sexual at all really was at the core of our split.
Look if you really want to be with him, and he wants to be with you, tell him how you feel. Tell him you want more sex, and start initiating it and dominating the sex, that was always a real turn on for me. I need a woman like you jeez, tell your man, from me, that he is a lucky son-of-a-bitch to have an attractive and sexual woman, and that he better use it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input, although maybe i didnt word my question properly. He isn't sending me any signs he doesnt want to be with me, he sends me the quite opposite. He's said he loves me and i am yet to say it back. He shows every sign that he's into me bar this one problem which he can't explain. He's still attracted to me but his sex drive has diminished in all areas of his life, not just myself.
Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2008): You didn't say how old he was. I'll assume he is in 20's given your age. I'm going to have to say, no, this isn't normal. Either he has a hormonal problem or he is one of those guys who needs the high from a new relationship in order to get excited. Regardless, he is already sending you messages that he isn't really that into you. Do you really think it's going to get any better as more time passes? I'd cut him loose now before you get any more involved. Free yourself up to find someone who can't keep his hands off of you.
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