A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Would really appreciate some advice on this, especially from any men out there! I met a guy last September and we hit it off immediately. We are in the same industry, we like the same things and I really thought I'd found someone special. We laughed about how similar we were and used to say that he was the male version of me and I was the female version of him. We went on holiday to Las Vegas after five weeks and even had jokey conversations about getting married. Believe me, I'm not a starry-eyed kid - I'm 39 (he's 40), divorced seven years and have had enough experience since then to understand men with baggage and all that stuff that you get at my age. But this really seemed different. He was communicative, articulate, sensitive, you know the kind of thing. Really seemed to understand me, took time to email or text just to tell me he was missing me or thinking about me, or to say he was looking forward to seeing me - all the stuff us girls love.Everything was great until late November (roughly 2.5 months). I went with him on a business trip to the US and saw another side of him, the 'work mode' side. I tried to understand as I knew it was a work trip for him, but he changed totally and became distant and uncommunicative. We talked about it and he said other women had said the same thing in the past but that was 'just him' and I needed to deal with it. For a while after we came back he seemed OK again but more and more the 'work' version of him took over and by Xmas the original guy I first met had disappeared completely. No soppy texts, no nice emails, just the odd call and the occasional evening together during which he just wasn't as communicative and seemed to prefer to watch TV and 'chill out'. December was a nightmare as he was doing alot of entertaining for work so we didn't see much of one another, but we were due to have 'our' Christmas on the 23rd/24th before we both went off to spend time with our kids for Xmas itself. We then had New Year in the diary as well and had talked about going away, athough nothing was booked.It all turned into a nightmare when he told me that his ex-wife wanted him to have the kids for the day on the 23rd, but he would still come to me in the evning so that we could do pressies etc., which I had to accept. But then he texted that evening and said he was too tired to come over and was going home instead, so we never got 'our' Christmas at all. We spoke on the phone on Boxing day and he promised he would be with me on the 30th for New Year but that he was too exhausted to go away so could we have a quiet one at home. I asked if his ex might try to make him have the kids at the last minute and he said of course not, they had an arrangement and he might be unreliable but he wasn't that unreliable! I hardly heard from him between Xmas and New Year and then he called on the 30th on his way to me to say he was coming, but that he couldn't do New Year's Eve as his ex had fallen over ice skating and was in too much pain to have the kids. I later found out the accident had happened a week before and she had been driving and looking after the kids in the meantime. We talked for a couple of hours that night and I was expecting him to stay, but then he said he felt too bad about everything and that he wanted to go and hide in his 'cave' and see me in the New Year when everything was back to normal. I let him go, thinking that it was good to give him the thinking time, but later found out that he had picked up his kids early the next morning and I think he probably had that arranged all along. I'm sure part of the problem is that his ex is manipulating him, but he's at fault too as he is letting her. His excuse is alwaysd that he loves being with his kids and doesn't see them enough anyway - and I just can't compete with that.He says he loves me and that his feelings have not changed and that I'm over-reacting. He says the problem is because he has not had a serious relationship in the three years since they divorced, he is still struggling to learn how to prioritise things and fit in work, kids and me. I want to believe him, but the fact that he will drop me at a moment's notice for them, coupled with the change in his level of communication, is very confusing. It was so perfect for the first two months that I can hardly believe this is the same guy - yet when I try to talk to him about it I can see he is getting impatient with me. I was due to be seeing him tomorrow for what I thought was going to be 'our' (belated) Xmas, pressie swap etc. and was hoping it would be the start of getting back to normal, but now he has postponed 'til next Monday and doesn't even seem bothered. He emailed me to tell me and it sounded more like he was rescheduling a business meeting!All advice gratefully received. Which is the real him? The first guy I met (who I loved very much) or this new one (who I'm not sure I like at all)? I keep hanging on hoping for the old version to come back but I'm scared he's gone for good and was never really real. He said he loved me 'more then he'd ever loved anyone before' and that I was the sort of woman he could marry, yet all that seems a very long time ago now! When we were talking after the business trip he did say that it would have been impossible to keep up the level of communication we first had (long emails, regular texts etc) as it was disrupting his work as he couldn't think about anything else but me and I do understand that as I felt the same, but this has just gone too far the other way, I need a happy medium! He also said that he thought that when we first met he was probably in 'pitch mode' (he's a salesman) - so I'm wondering if now he's made the sale, I'm not a challenge any more?Do tell me if I need to sign myself into the funny farm immediately . . . Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Like I said...guilt over doing something that has pushed him away...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, especially Willy,
Thought I should give you an update. I'd not seen him since Xmas (he kept making excuses) and then he emailed me on Monday to say he was giving it another try with his ex. Apparently she had suggested it out of the blue just before Xmas (which is why he went quiet on me as he was trying to decide what to do) and even though they don't love each other or even really like each other he is giving it another try becuase of the kids. He's not moved back in or anything and they are taking it slowly and just 'doing stuff with the kids', not stuff as a couple, but it means that he had to end it with me. I am devastated, been in pieces since Monday and can't think about anything else. We spoke on the phone for an hour on Weds eve and he says he still loves me, is in love with me and misses me but that he has to try this, although he has no idea if it's possible to make it work. They've not said anything to the kids yet, just that 'Daddy is around a bit more' so he could still re-think without upsetting them too much. I just don't know what to do. I love him and he says he loves me, so how can he be happy with her for the next 12 years until the youngest is 18?? I'm pretty sure she's only doing it becuase she's scared of being on her own - as he's always supported her logistically and financially ever since they split up - and he even agrees that could be the case, but he's still determined to try the reconciliation so that he can be a 'full time Dad' again. He says he never thought he would and he's even too embarrassed to tell family and friends that they are trying again after all the bad stuff that's gone on in the last three years. What can I do? I feel such an idiot. I'm 39 for heaven's sake - I should know better!!
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (4 January 2007):
 I think you might find that his wife divorced him because of the sort of behaviour you have mentioned, but because of the family context. No time for his family as he cannot 'concentrate' on the two things at once type of thing. Pity you cannot ask her and see why? yeah, I know that sounds daft - but obviously something went wrong and you are only ever going to get it from his perspective and if he was willing to hold onto a relationship that was dead 'for the sake of the kids'...?? I dunno?
He sounds like a good man in that he puts his kids first, but that does not mean he should not occasionally put YOU first. You should not always have to accept that he is in 'work mode' and that is 'just the way he is' beacsue if that is the case he mis-sold himself by pretending to be somebody he wasn't in order to reel you in in the first place.
I hope you can make a decision and he doesn't have the oppotunity to break your heart.
Good luck honey.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all and WillyWombat especially. Thanks also to the anonymous guy who sadly I think is probably right . . . anyway Willy, in answer to your questions:
How long has he been divorced? 3 years
Was this his first Christmas without his kids? He had the kids this year, last year was his first without.
Who pitched for the divorce? She did. He says they had grown apart and he knew it was over but that he would have stayed for the kids.
Does he still hold a torch for his ex-wife? Alot of people (friends etc.) think that could be it, but actually I'm pretty sure it's not the case based on what he tells me and the way he talks about her - unless it's a VERY good act!
Thanks again . . . :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): It sounds like he committed some offense or transgression and it is guilt and remorse that has him pulling away.
Something happened that has him changed.
This absolutely sounds like this is the moment where you decide if you truly love him and will be what he needs; a friend and willing to accept and forgive so long as he makes promises and keeps them...
Wrong mindset-compete. Change the attitude.
He must have experienced time and again that women stomp their feet and short sightedly exclaim ME OR THEM.
How do you think that went?
The best thing...counselling.
If this is how he is and handles things...he will take offense and say in a prideful way that he isn't broken...you are the one issues (and I would say yes it is and so let's get some counselling)...he'll back pedal.
Just tell him straight out. I care a great deal about you, I love you and want to work on building the love and the relationship and I see counselling as an option because I don't feel (use feel as it is the case and not as offensive) we are communicating effectively and a Counsellor can better see what may be the cause and prod us to stay on task.
Then hug him. Kiss him. Hold him. He is that sensitive man and is just in reserved mode and he just doesn't sound happy and you have to get to the why.
You both need to start including you with the children once you both decide it will get more serious and there is a commitment. That will ease alot of his stress and lessen the strain on yoru relationship.
Best of wishes.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 January 2007):
This is long and complicated. I will offer you my opinion for what its worth, and will tell you what I think.
This guy you have now got is in showing his true colours and yes I think he was in 'pitch' mode. I do believe he likes you a lot, but I also think he now expects you to accept him for who he is. You are not going to be able to change him because if he truely wanted to change he would have kept up the behaviour he exhibited in the beginning. So you have some tough choices to make.
Can I ask a couple of questions and please will you get back to me with the answers? Very ofetn on here the Aunt's and Uncle's ask for further clarification and they never get it! Makes it difficult to give tailored advice.
First, how long has he been divorced and was this his first Christmas without his kids? Secondly, who pitched for the divorce and does he still hold a torch for his ex-wife?
I ask this because if he does you have your work cut out. His kids must always ALWAYS come first, that is it...end of. But it is also good that he has such respect for his ex and such a good idea of 'shared' parenting. He knows that his kids come first and if the other parent is in difficulty then he needs to step into the breech.
The work thing. Many driven people have difficulty dealing with emotion and working at the same time. When you are in 'work-mode' you cannot cope with outside distractions. To the 'outside distraction' you can seem uninvolved, unemotional, distant etc. But this is because some individuals can not easily swap from one functio to another. It is just the 'way they are'. But you are a long time dead, and maybe if you point out to him that nobody on their death bed EVER said they wished they had spent more time in work!! I doubt if this will help. But it is worth a try surely?
Anyway the decision you have to make is whether you can live with him behaving like this, cos chances are he is not going to change. If not, you know the choice you ahve to make.
Sorry if this has not helped at all. Please get back with more info if you think it will help clarify the situation.
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): It sounds to me like the initial couple of months together was an act, and one he can't sustain, so now the real person has emerged. It's good that he loves to see his kids and spend time with them as all too many Dad's don't bother, but it sounds like he allows himself to be manipulated by his ex - but I don't think he's a weak person from what you say, so when I say he allows himself to be manipulated, that's what I mean. I'm sorry to be blunt but it seems to me that you hardly register on his radar any more and he re-schedules you without feeling - as if you were just a business appointment as you yourself say. I myself am 46 and divorced for ten years, with three children. I am also in a longterm relationship so I have plenty of real experience with exactly the kind of situation you are in, and the balancing and juggling that has to go on. However, at all times, if he had any feeling for you, he would act with a good deal more balance and sensitivity than he currently evinces. I think you're unlikely to re-discover the guy you first met, because I think that was just an act, so you can either put up with being way down his priority list, or steel yourself, finish it, and move on. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 One thing you have to accept is this, the kids should be a priority. They are children and should be made to feel special. Now, as far as the other stuff, he needs to be informed about how is empty promises have made you feel. IF he's unreliable now, it will get worse. If there were legitimate reasons for his behaviour, give it some more time and see what happens. He sounds like he's taking the relationship a little more klightly than you are though.
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