A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have recently split up with my partner having been in a relationship for 4 years, we lived together however i have asked him to leave for the second time. The first time i had ended the relationship was due to him drinking and stopping out all night, which then he came home and started to hurl abuse at me. After listening to his promises to change i took him back to get the same situation when he drank a few moths later. I have also found out he was texting a women i know and contacted another woman in the past. He said these are just messages and that he would never cheat on me..he blames the women for contacting him first. My gut instinct is telling me otherwise.. he also says he will give up the drink as i'm worth making the effort for.. I'm worried, please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Well sweetie, if he tells you he's gonna give up drinking and then you find him drinking again a few months later, than my gut instinct is telling me that he's gonna do it again. If he does it once most likely he'll do it agian. I don't think that you should risk getting hurt again, just by reading this i can already tell if you get back with him there's gonna be trouble, but it's up to you if you want to put yourself into pain. Good luck [=
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 I am so sorry for you. Here's a word of advice.
I used to be a championship sport drinker many years ago. I stopped on my own back in 1993 or so. I never picked up a bottle after that.
The bottom line is that people who drink are not happy inside. Alcohol removes your inhibitions and it also ruins your ability to find personal happiness inside.
When you drink, it changes your personality and as you can see, when he drinks it makes life with him intolerable, and then he starts philandering on you.
No one can put up with a drunk especially if he's an abuser.
He needs help and its probably the kind of help you can't give him.
Understand this much. When a person stops drinking alcohol, or abusing drugs, the world changes for them. Sometimes right away, sometimes over time. It all depends on how focused they are on "recovery" which is a life-time commitment for some, or simply stopping the drinking.
When you stop drinking you start seeing things in a clearer light. Things you ignored, that were right in front of you, come into focus again. Your goals in life become crystalized. Whereas drunk, the tendency is to blame others for your mistakes, sober you avoid the mistakes entirely or man up to them and fix them.
If you continue to allow a drunk to inhabit your home, you are condoning his behavior. This reinforces his belief that drinking is acceptable even though you object to it.
The only thing you can do is throw him out. Sooner or later he will either get help and stay sober, or he will slide down into the gutter until he hits rock bottom. At that point it will be too late for him and you, but maybe then he'll get help.
Until he sobers up though, he is ruining at least two lives. Yours and his. And if there are family members involved, he's hurting them too.
I know it seems cruel to tell an abuser to get out. But in the end you need to have peace of mind and also, a fresh start in life.
As I said, the problem he is having is something he needs to fix and he probably needs help. Its up to him to fess up to the liquor addiction and go get it. Otherwise, you do not have any obligation to be threatened, annoyed or harassed by a perennial drunk in your home or in your life.
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