A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody i'm basically very confused in my relationship and need some honest answer's, i don't know if im just expecting too much or am i being taken for granted.So im a single mum of two school children ive always been pretty Independent and am proud that i put myself through college etc, only thing is, ive been with my boyfriend for over a year now he stays with me almost every night and i cook, clean, wash his clothes etc.. for him. Now i have a very small income and im struggling like most of the population but he's in a good job, well paid, nice car etc.. Most weeks he goes halfs on the shopping with me and he didnt want me cutting off the internet because he use's it too so he goes halfs on that too.Thing is with christmas and all just around the corner im really struggling to cope, ive lost weight and my mind is constantly running about how im gonna pay the next bill, all the while he still pays for the internet in his house, his sky, his oil heating and he pays his mortgage, he has his cousin living with him rent free and he also has a son (my bf that is) whom he has every weekend so i understand he needs the house warm and everything, anyway to get to the point, ive started contacting local charities to see can they help me with fuel over the winter, as my house is extremely cold and i cannot afford the oil refill, i told my boyfriend that i was going to have to contact them and he didn't bat an eyelid, i live in the country and although my car is falling apart i really depend on it but its costing so much so i told my boyfriend im gonna sell the car, all he said was how would you manage without it, to which i replied that i can't afford to heat the house let alone run a car.... Im just in shock that he say's he wants a baby with me and have a future with me yet he will sit in my house 5 nights a week, not even offering to help out he saves at least 50euro on fuel when he stays with me and i look after him like we are married or something, i feel like such a prat i go to sleep crying because i just can't help thinking s this how my life will be if i stay with you ?I probably come across as a right cow and im not looking for sympathy here, everybody is in financial difficulty these days i just know that i was in his position i would be horrified that my gf was going to beg from a charity and sell her car just to keep her kids warm while i live there rent free. I really don'y know what to do. Do you think im being a drama queen and this is the norm or will i just ask him to leave, there no point talking to him it just goes in one ear and out the other i feel like im at a dead end, Help !!
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female
reader, stressedandtired  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I think you have every right to complain. There's no way I would have a kid with him. You already have kids to take care of and you are struggling. He doesn't seem to care about you enough to help out. I've been you before. I had a guy living with me and I was supporting myself, my kids and him. He barely ever did anything. I was so blinded by love that I allowed this to happen. If he loves you he would help you as much as possible. He'd make sure your bills are paid and do everything possible to make sure you have transportation. You should let him know how you feel instead of crying. Yes, it hurts to love someone and have them treat you that way but you have to do something about it. I got rid of my free-loader. I'm not in the best situation right now but at least I have some help. Good luck to you...
A
male
reader, Rianireland +, writes (24 October 2011):
Hi, Sorry to hear about your situation. My own mother was in a similar situation when I was teenager, her boyfriend did the odd thing around the house, but mostly let her feed and look after him rent free when he had his own place, decent car, job etc...My mother let him take advantage all to often and been a teenaged male, that pissed me right off, and we clashed (also its not the 1900´s, he should pull his weight with the housework as well...full stop). My view on it is that if he is serious about loving you and wanting an baby with you than he seriously needs to shape up (show his maturity). You can´t afford in your situation to be looking after him like a third child, you have two whom are your priority, and if he is working doing well for himself, he shouldnt be exploiting you like that. He has a cousin in his flat, he should be making the person pay their way.
the odd bit of halves on stuff isn´t good enough in my opinion, if he is staying at yours five nights a week, he should contribute, would he get away with that anywhere else no! As you said, its getting cold, the house needs heated, he is living there and has more income, he should man up and pay his share, what would he do if his kid was living full time with him or you two a child( I wouldn´t have one until he shows long term commitment and sensabilty or you could be with a third child without any help, he needs to show when the going gets tough, he can stand up and be counted for). It is ridicious that you would have to turn to charity if he is in around with his income, if it comes too that, get rid of him, he would be a leech frankly, and I´m sure many other men would be happy to be with you, and be a part of a family eniviroment and cherish it. He should show more commitment too you if he is serious, full stop, and if you crying becuase of everything that is not good. I strongly recommend taking firmly with him (talk sense into him), and not let it go on the way he is doing you have far to much to deal with, humans are opportuntists and if you keep throwing him a line, we will keep taking more, if you dont stand up, thats what happened to my mothe. A real man/woman would not sit there and watch their parther struggle tosurvive with their kids when they can make the difference. If you do decide too talk with him frankly, try and have the kids at school or somewhere else, I dont know what his temperment is like when confronted, but its better not having the kids around especially if they are young, would have a negative effect possibly hearing and seen you agrue (my siblings where terrified).Good luck with everything, and I hope he man´s up for you and your kids.
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A
male
reader, Rianireland +, writes (24 October 2011):
Hi, Sorry to hear about your situation. My own mother was in a similar situation when I was teenager, her boyfriend did the odd thing around the house, but mostly let her feed and look after him rent free when he had his own place, decent car, job etc...My mother let him take advantage all to often and been a teenaged male, that pissed me right off, and we clashed (also its not the 1900´s, he should pull his weight with the housework as well...full stop). My view on it is that if he is serious about loving you and wanting an baby with you than he seriously needs to shape up (show his maturity). You can´t afford in your situation to be looking after him like a third child, you have two whom are your priority, and if he is working doing well for himself, he shouldnt be exploiting you like that. He has a cousin in his flat, he should be making the person pay their way.
the odd bit of halves on stuff isn´t good enough in my opinion, if he is staying at yours five nights a week, he should contribute, would he get away with that anywhere else no! As you said, its getting cold, the house needs heated, he is living there and has more income, he should man up and pay his share, what would he do if his kid was living full time with him or you two a child( I wouldn´t have one until he shows long term commitment and sensabilty or you could be with a third child without any help, he needs to show when the going gets tough, he can stand up and be counted for). It is ridicious that you would have to turn to charity if he is in around with his income, if it comes too that, get rid of him, he would be a leech frankly, and I´m sure many other men would be happy to be with you, and be a part of a family eniviroment and cherish it. He should show more commitment too you if he is serious, full stop, and if you crying becuase of everything that is not good. I strongly recommend taking firmly with him (talk sense into him), and not let it go on the way he is doing you have far to much to deal with, humans are opportuntists and if you keep throwing him a line, we will keep taking more, if you dont stand up, thats what happened to my mothe. A real man/woman would not sit there and watch their parther struggle tosurvive with their kids when they can make the difference. If you do decide too talk with him frankly, try and have the kids at school or somewhere else, I dont know what his temperment is like when confronted, but its better not having the kids around especially if they are young, would have a negative effect possibly hearing and seen you agrue (my siblings where terrified).Good luck with everything, and I hope he man´s up for you and your kids.
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