A
female
age
36-40,
*silliechicki
writes:I have been with this guy for just over a year now. We were best friends before we statred dating. He really took care of me and made me feel more loved than ever before. He was changing his entire life in order to better himself and make himself better for us or so he said. The relationship continued on very well in my opinion. We never fought and were really in love. We decided after dating for 8 months to move in together. We got an apartment and started our life together. I am very close to my family so while I was excited about the move it was very stressful and hard to adjust to. After us living together for 3 months and discussing marriage and being together forever one day just out of the blue my boyfriend tells me he needs time and space to figure himself out. He's not sure this is what he wants for his life and he just wants to work on our friendship. We still live together in a one bedroom apartment. We talk and hang out every day. It is sooo hard! I am hurting so much and he can't or won't give me a definite answer. He says he loves me but is not in love with me. We can see us getting married but then he's afraid of divorce. He isn't ready to give up on us but he just needs to focus on him. Somedays he all touch feely, loving and gentle and then others he is distant and withdrawn. He just is not the same. When he use to look at me I could see how much he loved me. Now I just see someone scared. What should I do? I don't want to give up on him or us if he is just going through a hard time,but I can't keep doing this to myself. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I know you posted this question last year, and you probably may never see this reply. But, I had to reply anyway , because I am going through this now. My fiance (we were togehter three years, with one child) was always soooo loving and affectionate. Then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me, but was not in love with me" He said he had been feeling this for awhile. I mean this man should be in Hollywood making money as an actor, because I never would have guessed (even in hind sight). Anyway for about the first 5 days he slept on the sofa. I was so miserable trying to make things better. He was so depressed looking and completely ignoring all my gestures. Anyway, finally on that sixth day I told him that he needs to take time to think about things and make sure he is making the right decsion, and I told him that he cant possible be able to do that thinking in the same house with me on the sofa. So I told him ha had to leave. He said " I know, but I dont have anywhere to go yet". I said that is not my problem. So he was just staying here with me until he got somewhere better to go. Now that is called using someone, when you are just there with them until something else comes. Anyway, puting him out was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, BUT I am so proud of myself. I gained so much confidence after that, it made it easier to get through. And believe me he was calling me by the end of just the first day he was gone. now i let him do the calling. if he wants to talk he has to call me, and he calls every night. It is still too fresh so I would never let him back, just yet. But maybe in a few months when I think he has truly thought about things. Right now he might only miss the warm bed and not really me. I say all this to say, you HAVE to put him out or go yourself. You will feel so much better about yourself. remember, WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE. If it is meant to be, he will find his way back to you.
A
female
reader, silliechicki +, writes (4 August 2007):
silliechicki is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAm I completely stupid to not want to give up? I love this guy. I am a christian and believe that God can change even the worst situations and rekindle lost flames. How am I suppose to let go of that? I need help.
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A
female
reader, silliechicki +, writes (23 July 2007):
silliechicki is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your opinions and suggestions. I am really trying to be as open minded as possible and really take your answers to heart. I do agree that we have rushed in to things. In past relationships this would not have been acceptable but there truely was something different about this. He was the one who initially brought up the sunject and I was made uncomfortable about it. Then I grew to like the idea and he was the uncomfortable one. I am really trying to lighten the mood of the relationship and just let us enjoy being together instead of pressuring us into a relationship. Some days we both agree that it is going to work, other days are harder. We are just trying to see how it goes. I really don't want to give up on the most wonderful love in my life.
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A
male
reader, toocomplicated  +, writes (22 July 2007):
As a man, I think you might have to consider that he is having insecurities about marriage after only 8 months, especially if you admit that you are "close to your family" and that it's hard for you too. Basically, I think you're moving too fast and he probably thinks it's a trap. My advice, slow down, consider that maybe there is some smothering going on (perhaps on both sides) and try to just live for a while without pressing the relationship too much. If it gets lighter and both of you are more at ease in a year marriage will probably be obvious. If not, then there are probably other issues at play and it will be best to part ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): Hun, look after you, now. Stop doing this to yourself. It's sheer torment for you-- get him out of there. You are loving him and allowinghim to stay there, based out of your own 'fear of loss' and that is not love. It's simply an unhealthy co-dependancy on both your parts. This guy sounds scared and either doesn't understand how to 'love'a woman or he just does not care. I think he's far too complicated and you should move on and let him have his 'space and mull over this awhile'. See if he'll miss you. If he doesn't miss you and doesn't contact you, there's your answer. But I really think no matter how you try to rationalize this in your mind, you need to accept what he told you, at face value. When said, "he loves you but is not in love with you". In my books, being told this is exactly the same thing as if he simply said, "I am not in love with you, anymore" or "I'm just not into working at this, anymore". He's told you that, so why the confusion? Why the hanging on and clinging to false hope? He may like you, he may respect you but he is feeling there is not the passion, solidarity or commitment in him, to make a future with you. This is your biggest indicator that you need to move on and the only way this will happen is if one of you moves 'out'. Don't hang around. Let him know you are strong and you will not accept nothing less. Or better yet, ask him to leave. But a complete break has to be made. Having him hang out there, is causing you more heartbreak, stress and pain! You aren't able to heal and grieve and get through this and all that is happening is...he is offering you constant hurt/confusion, not love/admiration. You deserve somuch more, don't you. Get him out of there and go it alone. Seek solace and support from people who do really love you like family and friends. And in time, you will once again give your heartfelt emotions to someone who can give you, the same back.
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