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female
,
anonymous
writes: what's the best way to deal with feelings of insecurity in a relationship? my bf tells me he loves me and, intellectually, i believe it. but he's not a very expressive guy, and i tend to be insecure. i don't want to constantly rely on him to reassure me and *make* me feel secure -- it seems unfair to ask him to be something other than what comes naturally. he knows its an issue and goes out of his way to make gestures to show he cares; i think the rest is in my head and something i need to address. but i don't know how! i used to be so self-confident and self-assured, but ever since i met this guy two and ahalf yrs ago it's like i'm a total mess-- constantly worried i just won't measure up or smthg. i think it's bc i've never been so in love. what do i do??
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female
reader, nobody +, writes (20 November 2006):
Oh God I could have written this question myself.
Its so so so hard. All I have found so far is that the more you ask for reassurance, the more you upset the balance of the relationship and give him all the power. My boyfriend is now exasperated with me because of it and I think Im losing him - though Ive always felt like Im losing him to be honest.
The problem is that you dont feel you deserve his love, and assume he must be about to realise that for himself. Every time you are tempted to get upset, remember " This is MY problem, not his" - look into yourself and think about why you feel like that. And also, remember that he has CHOSEN to be with you - nobody's forcing him. Good luck and Id love to hear how you get on, and if you maybe have any advice for someone in the same situation as you Id love to hear it. xx
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