A
female
age
41-50,
*abyblueeyes
writes:I have been with my boyfreind for 10 months. Every month or so he seems to get really distant and I have encouraged him to talk to me each time he feels down, as I know in the past 2 years he has had a hard time with his wife leaving him. Each time he has apologised for his distant behaviour and we have picked up where we left off and forgotten about it. The last time it happened, I explained he needs to put to bed whatever is bothering him or address it and sort it out.I can understand how he is feeling as my husband left me 4 years ago. We both have children and everyone seems to get on.Yesterday, he was really down again, and after a couple of drinks he opened up and said he wants his old life back. He explained he has no feelings for his wife anymore (she left him and now she is gay), however, he misses what they had, with their daughter, even though he has shared care of her, and sees her every other day. I have suggested counselling but he wont accept he needs it, and I have explained he needs to look forward and not back.I am pleased he finally opened up to me and let me know what was going on in his head, but I am sad that I have been trying for 10 months, and all the time he has been dwelling on the past. I think if I was the one for him then he wouldnt be feeling like this. Am I right? He says he loves me but I am not sure what to do.Shall I walk away? I love him so much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (29 August 2011):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys. I thought i would update u all with the goings on in my relationship. We still see each other once or twice a week and i have recently been bringing up the subject about where we are in our relationship and where we are going. Usually its when we have had a few drinks and i get all serious and emotional. Anyway, we managed to sit down and talk about it rationally, last week and he has explained he loves me, i am the perfect girlfriend, however he doesnt want to settle down he has had his marriage and is enjoying the life he has at the moment. He said he understands I am ready to settle down as my children are older and i need some companionship in my life. He said he just wants a girlfriend and why cant i be happy with the way things are?? I am gutted as i wish he would want more. i miss him so much when i am not with him and have tried to get a busy life when i dont see him but it is hard.he said he wishes i would walk away so he could see if he misses me and might change his mind.Because he explained he wants things to stay the way they are, i have started to become paraniod and worried all night last night when he went out with mates. i am worried he is copping off with other girls.please help. i need some stregnth and advice as what to do.
A
female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 Hi. I'm glad to hear from you again. Not so glad to hear you're still feeling uneasy about your relationship. Perhaps you would benefit from collecting a larger social cirle. If he's going out with "single" friends then you should too. Nothing grabs someones attention more than when you breakout of "routine". Throw him for a loop and give him a taste of his own medicine. In the 9 months that have passed since you last posted here have you tried focusing on yourself instead of him? I can attest to the value of bettering yourself. Self worth and self value makes a person 10 times more attractive. Don't stress about how hes feeling or what he's thinking. You will never truly know so the only thing you can be totally sure of is how you feel or what your thinking. Take this opportunity to learn something new about yourself. Try starting with just taking a walk somewhere downtown. Do you own a dog? Take him for a walk to the park or something and just get out. Chances are, if you're open and welcoming to people around you, soon you'll meet new people, make new friends. Or how about hitting up old friends and plan to get together and just do something. It's amazing how much a few moments of socializing can help your self esteem. I battled constantly with fear and worry over my relationship and for all the energy I spent dwelling on "him", I wasted just as much time losing touch with me and consequently, started driving my man away. I hope this boyfriend of yours realizes you aren't going to be around forever while he debates whether or not he's committed to you. I would say, given the in the nine months that have passed, things haven't improved much, so now is the time for you to make that change happen yourself. If he wants to be wishy-washy, let him. Just DO NOT allow that to dictate how you feel about anything other than him. Don;t let any man be you entire life. He's not living his life revolved around you so with that in mind- take a look around and see everything that can happen WITHOUT him. It's probably a lot more than that could WITH him. You are totally capable of discarding the woman inside you who relies on this dude for her self worth. Because she's not going anywhere if she's waiting on him to help her. There is someone much better there, you just have to peel your mind away from him and start looking for her. So be good to and take care of yourself Darling, that's when thing start happening. Here's some Love for ya from California! =J Good luck.
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A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (28 April 2011):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all
Well it's 9 months since my last post and I must say that the relationship has been going mostly ok since then.
My boyfriend has a couple of times pushed me away and ignored me for a few days then asked me to forgive him saying he just feels down sometimes and wants to be on his own.
I feel so rejected and sick when he does this as I really love him. He says I am the perfect girlfriend, however sometimes he just does not want this.
He is going out with his single friends at the weekend and because of how he feels sometimes I am really paranoid he is going to cheat on me. I don't have a lot of friends to spend time with so I just need some coping mechanisms to deal with this situation as I don't have much trust. Please help!
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A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (28 April 2011):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all
Well it's 9 months since my last post and I must say that the relationship has been going mostly ok since then.
My boyfriend has a couple of times pushed me away and ignored me for a few days then asked me to forgive him saying he just feels down sometimes and wants to be on his own.
I feel so rejected and sick when he does this as I really love him. He says I am the perfect girlfriend, however sometimes he just does not want this.
He is going out with his single friends at the weekend and because of how he feels sometimes I am really paranoid he is going to cheat on me. I don't have a lot of friends to spend time with so I just need some coping mechanisms to deal with this situation as I don't have much trust. Please help!
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (21 July 2010):
Man, that's a bummer but at least he's acknowledged how you feel & has made an effort to comfort you (although you're still lacking him physlically being there with you). It's a good sign he say's he's "turned the corner". But if I were in your shoes now that I had a little reassurance I would use my free time to do things to build my confindence & get out & do more things socially. I bet if you started filling up your schedule with interesting thing (like take a class, excercising, hobbies, anything- I don't know) & beefed up your social circle of friends he would start to notice that you're doing your own thing & it might make him think about how he's only around occationally & stands to lose your attention altogether if it stays that way. I don't know what the situation is but I would assume in any relationship where time together is limited- the busier partner probablly takes the other for granted & expects him or her to wait around for them to find time. Just throw him for a loop & make him second guess that attitude. I don't know, just a thought. Well, anyway, if you're ever in California hit me up. We'll hang out. Talk to you again.
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A
female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (13 July 2010):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there guys, thanks for the advice!
we spent a week on holiday together and since we came back he said he has turned a corner. He says he loves me and I am the one. I just have to get used to only seeing him a couple of times a week as at the moment it isnt enough. He has his daughter and his job. My kids are teens and do their own thing so when i come home from work on an evening, i am so lonely!
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (13 July 2010):
Hey, I was just checking in to see how things have been going for you? Was it all resolved? I hope things have worked out & you're feeling better. =)
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female
reader, babyblueeyes +, writes (31 May 2010):
babyblueeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Thanks for your advice guys. Just thought I would update you.
Things were going ok until today.
Its been a glorious bank holiday and i thought i would be spending it with my boyfriend as neither of us had our children today. However, my boyfriend explained he was popping round his exes for 10 minutes to see his daughter this evening, so i went home.
When i went to call him a couple of hours later, he wasnt at home or answering his mobile fone.
I know he was round his exes,and i understand they remain friends, but i feel pushed out as he has chose to visit there when he could have spent it with me. i know he misses his daughter. Am i being selfish?
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A
female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (7 May 2010):
I'm sorry for the situation you two are in. But if you both truly love eachother then this is just a phase.
Idealy he'll find some of his strength through you to heal begin building a new (hopefully much better) life with you & his daughter part time.
I'de say, encourage his relationship with his daughter if thats what he's missing. And remind him he's totally capable of making his life the way he wants it at any time & doesn't have to linger on things lost so helplessly. But you know, he could be just majorly injured from his wife leaving him to become a lesbian? Just a thought. But eitherway, if he doesnt eventually feel inspired to move on and start over, this relationship may mean much less to him than it does to you. But I would stay if I loved him and wait to see if he comes around but I would seriously second guess his whole investment in the relationship. if responds negatively to any genuine concern, love & encouragement from you. good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): You've been together 10 months give it a bit more time before you end the relationship. He's going through the motions and opening up to you which is a good thing. However if it continues and he's unable to get past this ordeal then you may want to reevaluate your relationship. If his previous relationship ended not that long ago maybe he needs time on his own to deal with this.
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