A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:How do you determine if you're being used? I moved in with my b/f 3 yrs. ago and made it clear that I would pitch into the funds for things like groceries and entertainment etc. I pay my own personal bills, he pays his. He came out of a bad relationship 2 yrs prior and was still paying legal bills as a result so I didn't want him to feel like he'd have to support me, like he did his last g/f. But now it feels like he treats our relationship like a business arrangment with the bonus of sex. Everytime we go out to eat, he insists we take turns paying. Usually I get stuck with the tip whether it's my turn or his because he never has any cash. If it's his turn to pay, he always picks a cheap burger joint. If we attend a concert, I usually end up paying for it, plus the drinks at the bar because he forgets to bring cash (again) or he claims he can't afford it, but his legal bills have all but disappeared now, his college-aged boys pay for their own expenses on scholarships, and he no longer has to pay child support to his ex wife because the kids are over 18, and he is not supporting a loser girlfriend with three kids, like he was before. I feel like I'm being taken for granted because I felt sorry for him at the beginning of our relationship and wanted to help him ease his financial burden by chipping in. Now it's expected and I feel taken for granted. When his ex g/f lived with him, he paid for everything and didn't bat an eye. Her clothes, her shoes, her nail appointments every week. He bought all her kids clothes, school supplies, medications. He funded her school loan, co-signed on her car, and kept her lavished in jewelry. When they went out, he dressed up and took her to nice places (I know this because I'd see them out together). Plus he was also paying his ex-wife child support, and splitting the costs for braces and contacts for the boys. Believe me, he doesn't have no where near those kind of expenses now and yet he whines if he thinks he's going to have to put on a clean pair of pants and take me out to a nice place once in awhile. And now when his boys need an extra $50 he usually asks me put it into their account because I work next to the bank so it's convenient. He says he'll pay me later, but he never does and I love him too much to ask for it. When I try to tell him how this makes me feel just gets mad and says I'm trying to start an argument over nothing. He also gets mad when I compare his past relationships to our relationship but I feel like they got all the benefits and I'm stuck with the leftovers. I don't know if he's just bitter about the failed relationships he's had, so he's determined not to invest much in ours -- or if he just doesn't care that much about me. And he wonders why this bothers me. The thing is, he makes three times the amount of money I do and I am still paying for all my own bills like car expenses, clothes, hair appointments, insurance. I don't ask him to pay for any of my stuff. I just don't get it. He says he loves me but he acts like I'm not worth the effort. I just don't know what to do -- we get along fine as long as I shut up and just keep doing what I'm doing and I love him too much to let petty things end our relationship but it's starting to bug me and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. What should I do?
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male
reader, ShouldKnowBetter  +, writes (23 March 2008):
Is money, and the arguments that it causes the only issues in the relationship or are things more deep seated and cash is really only the easy thing to pick on?I dont think there is any way that someone here can judge what is happening given we dont know either of you but the suggestion that you are a cross between housemaid, sex toy and ATM is one that you should consider if it is true or if you are a partner in a relationship.Of cause the flip side could just be that he is not used to having a woman that is financially stable and is reacting incorrectly to it. The concern on that possibility however is that he isnt discussing it which if it was simply a "mistake" and was approached reasonably wouldnt have been a heated discussionPS. have to say I am the same in that I never leave the tip as I dont carry cash, though I will almost always pay the bill.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 "How do you determine if you're being used?"
Have you read what you written down? My god woman, there is no nice way to say this.
He acts like you are not worth the effort? He acts like you are a bloody ATM machine. You are paying for items for HIS GROWNUP kids? You pay for dinner, he pays for McD when he is 40+? In what universe could this possibly be considered a good thing?
This guy seems to use money to control relationships, either by buying women or making them pay. This ain't relationship, you are a sextoy who dispenses money and allows him to take out his frustrations at his previous relation.
I really fail to understand how you could have written all this down and still have to ask wether he is using you. If you are caught by a lion and are being devoured, the pride chewing on your guts, do you ask "are lions meat eaters?"
Did you go into this relationship with a bleeding heart thinking you could heal his pain?
Every single sentence you write sends up a red flag.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/dating-red-flags.html Read this article, include his behaviour with his ex and see just how many red flags this turns up.
Life is too complex for simple list and we all got our faults, but this guy is easily tripping a dozen or more. I have no real advice then to scrub your forehead until the "doormat" comes off and get the hell out of there.
You get along just fine as long as you continue being a good little doormat and keep your mouth shut. What the hell
happened to woman's lib?
Read your own past again with an openmind and you will have your answer. Admitting you are loving a person who is bad for you is hard I know not least because you will to admit you waster 3 years of your life, but this can't go on.
You think his behaviour is caused by his ex. I don't think so. Find out why she really divorced him. and even if he is hurting over his ex, that gives him no excuse to take it out on you.
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