A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused chica
writes:Im going to try to keep this brief but I have been friends with this guy for nearly 3 years and he has become my best guy friend. Over the last few months things have been moving to a more serious level and things have moved passed friendship. We have become more physical with one another, a lot of the time after drunken nights. We have discussed the situation several times and every time his response to not move forward in the relationship is he doesnt want to lose my friendship. Yet we still end up fooling around every so often and not always drunkenly. Its really confusing me and heart breaking as if he does care for me as he says he does, I dont feel this would keep happening yet it does. What do I do? Is he genuinely confused about our situation? As I certainly am. I dont feel I can go back to being just friends now but at the same time don't want to lose him. Please help.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 You don't actually have to make a big deal out of this. You know he has feelings for you, how deep, he'll have to work out in time.
I think you can continue to hang out with him but no more getting all close and snuggly and then going on to sex. The second you two wind up alone is the minute you leave to go home. Smile a lot and look wistful but DO NOT CAVE. This means no hand-holding, no kissing, no physical contact that could lead to anything sexual. You are putting him squarely back into the dreaded "Friend Zone" and if he wants to be somewhere else, he needs to man up and risk the friendship and court you properly.
I also want you to be less available to him and go out on dates with other guys. I don't mean you go out and sleep around, just make sure he is aware you have other options and that other guys would want to date you. And by date you, I mean, ask you out, show up dressed nicely, escort you somewhere nice and be a proper date.
So you see, then he has you as a friend, as he's stated that's all he can manage at this point and you aren't confusing yourself or sending him mixed messages by going further than friends do. He probably thinks you're okay with it because you continue to participate. In fact, he's probably counting on that a bit.
Rock him back on his heels, just a little. Give him some doubts that you're so head over heels you'll settle for the occasional physical intimacy. You're not being mean, you continue to be delightful and wonderful and charming, you just aren't going to give him BJs or HJs or whatever it is you're doing now. He doesn't want to risk the friendship? Fine, then that is ALL you are. Friends.
Stick to it. Be strong, don't drink around him and stay focused. You can do it. Go.
A
female
reader, confused chica +, writes (21 September 2011):
confused chica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have talked about this several times and he has said he has feelings for me but how do I know this is true especially when so reluctant to move forward with it. Again using the friendship factor as the reason. He says if it goes wrong he will lose me forever whereas as friends he wont. Especially such a close friendship. He does go over and beyond helping me which feels more than a friend would do and we've been friends for so long that it does feel a good basis for a relationship. Do you think space from one another would help to get mine and his head straight? We tried the space and boundaries thing before but it never really achieved anything. Do you reckon maybe for longer?Or maybe we just cant be close friends especially as we decided yesterday that we will not carry out with the friends with benefits thing as it confusing us both.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 If you keep fooling around all the time, you are not "friends"- you are Friends With Benefits.
"I don't want to ruin our friendship" then simply means- you are good enough for FWB, but you are no girlfriend material.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (21 September 2011):
 If this guy really wanted to keep your friendship, then he would've made sure that you two do all you can to respect the boundaries of friendship. He may be feeling something more(maybe), and if he is, then he needs to come out and say it instead of fooling around with you. He's not the only one making the moves here. You aren't drunk every time it happens, so you can walk away too when you know things might head in that direction again. Or why not limit yourselves to a certain amount of alcohol whenever you two decide to drink together. That way, there's more control and less worry. But let him know that if he's not planning on taking the friendship further, that you don't want a physical relationship. Unless you don't mind a FWB relationship, but that's not really a good idea in my opinion. But just tell him how you feel about this and that you would like to keep some boundaries as friends.
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