A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 and I'm in the best relationship of my life. I'm completely in love with my boyfriend and I think he feels the same. He tells me he wants to be together forever but when the word marriage is brought into converstation he freaks out. The problem is he's slightly younger than me and doesn't have the same sort of timeline in his head. When we have talked about the future he can't see us moving in together for another ten years or so. And when it comes to marriage talk he brushes it off and says he can't see himself ever getting married. When I've asked why he says he can't see the benefit In it and has a tainted view of it. I can't understand where this view has come from as his parents and extended family are all happily married and I'm not aware of any troubles in his family life. Marriage is very important to me. I've had a very rocky family life myself and have always felt unwanted by my parents therefore I see marriage as the chance to start a new family and the declaration of someone telling me that they want me and are willing to stand by me is important to me. I know marriage is something that is very important to me but I can't figure out whether to stay with my boyfriend and hope he grows to the idea of it or to cut loose and start looking for someone who wants the same things as me? Please help ... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): I've been proposed the idea of marriage by two guys. By their own volition. Not like with a ring or anything but they claimed they felt sure they wanted to marry me. In both cases, it never panned out. And I've never been married. But I think they were serious.
I'm in my mid 30's. So I've been around the block. What I've noticed is that a guy either wants to or doesn't. I don't know why it is that way. I've dated guys for long periods without marriage ever coming up. Then I've dated these two guys who've brought up marriage and claimed they knew they wanted to marry me. At the time.
A guy either feels it or he doesn't.
I don't think you should be bringing this up or pressuring him. I am old fashioned, I think the guy should be the one thinking about this.
I think you should just focus on you, try to be non chalant about it. If he doesn't want to, oh well. But you pressuring him or even bringing it up is kind of taking away from your mystery as a woman. It is not graceful. Never show all your cards like that.
If he wants to be the man to always be by your side, then let him make the choice. In the meantime, enjoy it for what it is. Stop mentioning marriage. In fact, stop telling him so much about how you feel. Let him guess a little. Keep him on his toes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): I think everyone has different views on marriage, like personally I see it as a bit of paper and not much else.
Doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend of 8 years and we have a child together. Works for us.
Clearly you and boyfriend are on different pages he doesn't want to settle down but you do? Is he so right for you then?
Spend some time working that out.
Sorry but I think you are still very young and most men in their late teens early 20s run for the hills at the sound of wedding bells.
Why not just relax enjoy being with him? There's no rush.
You 20s are about finding out who you are, starting your career off ect. Still young so enjoy it.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (11 March 2015):
 You haven't said how long you've been together for, but I'm guessing you must know each other quite well.
If he has no plan whatsoever of marrying and committing to someone, you may be in for a very long wait. Better to agree that you both have a different life goal, and end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Mvpo81 +, writes (11 March 2015):
people have mixed views on marriage, some think it's just a piece of paper and not needed to prove their love others it's security etc...
You are both so young and sadly the statistics of divorce is so high.
Marriage should be something you both agree with for it to work, you don't want to force him into doing something that maybe he is not ready for.
In saying that you if marriage something you really want then he should be aware of this and a decision made. I think best to wait a while and see how things go he may change his mind and decide he is ready in years to come oh maybe you may decide you are happy the way things are x
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (11 March 2015):
Well this part of your statement is not true...
"I'm 25 and I'm in the best relationship of my life. I'm completely in love with my boyfriend and I think he feels the same."
If you were "in the best relationship of my life," you would not be complaining about marriage. And if your boyfriend "feels the same" about you as you said, he would not be freaking out.
Question is...How much of your life and time are you go to spend hoping he will change his mind to match yours?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): May I suggest a different alternative?I.e.- the part where you said this really impressed me coz I'm that way:"I can't understand where this view has come from as his parents and extended family are all happily married and I'm not aware of any troubles in his family life."My dear, I think in exactly the same way and it is not because I've seen something bad in marriage. IT is BECAUSE I've only seen the GOOD things in marriage (in my immediate and extended family) that I see NO NEED for it. Why?Because at the end of the day, for me it's just a piece of paper. The promises you make to each other are far more important and if you intend to keep them: you do, if you don't a SIGNATURE on a piece of paper will not keep you from straying/cheating.Also,because no one in my family ever divorced and one 4th cousin did (the divorce proceedings lasted longer than the marriage!10 years!) and the high rates of divorce (50% in the Uk?),I see no need, PLUS if it ever happens to ME, I'd be the first in many,many generations within my immediate family so I really don't wanna be the first...Just because I made an unwise choice... A bit of pressure there I suppose. I don't know if it's the same for him, but can you see how somebody coming from a happily married family may not feel the need to marry themselves?? Because they know/ feel that is not the marriage itself that creates that stability, it's the commitment those 2 people have made to each other. For now and forever. I'll be quite happy to be with someone for a long time and have children with him, but don't feel the need for marriage before or after children. If I've promised I'll be there through thick and thin,I'll be there. And I have to be able to trust that my partner will be too (and for a piece of paper doesn't change that BUT if they REALLY want it-meh, it's irrelevant to me,I could do it if it was THAT important I guess. Just not happily.)The other part that really disturbs me in your msg:"I've had a very rocky family life myself and have always felt unwanted by my parents therefore I see marriage as the chance to start a new family and the declaration of someone telling me that they want me and are willing to stand by me is important to me."That right there is an issue that you need to sort out with a therapist! Because you had a rocky family life you want a "new family" that YOU will make all better? This marriage will make you feel BETTER? Tz-tz-tz. No, my dear, this is the wrong type of thinking.This is like when a relationship goes wrong and some women think: "Well, I'll get pregnant...A baby will make him stay!"... Ummm,no.Ok,maybe. But stay for how long? And he is not really staying coz he loves you,i.e. he is not staying for you but for the baby. How long do you think this is gonna last?You see where I'm going with this? If YOU have any issues (i.e. problems with your past family life, somebody not wanting to commit etc), marriage is not some magical powder that is gonna solve all your problems.It actually tends to amplify them. So if you do enter in marriage with anyone make sure that both you and he are completely issue-free and there are no problems/resentment in the relationship beforehand. (i.e. that does not mean "Oh,I'm incredibly happy,so he must be the one right?" blah-blah... Have you heard of the "honeymoon period" of a relationship?Which stage of the honeymoon period are you at?the rose-tinted glasses can last you up to 2-3 years...)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 March 2015):
 You can tell him you will stay as long as you can bear it. then you do. IF he does not want marriage and you do, do not compromise.
When I met my current husband (note he is my husband) he told me (at age 37) that he was NEVER getting married. Marriage was stupid and not needed.
That was all well and good for him, till he fell in love and realized he did not want to lose me or share me. Now I was the one who didn't want to get married. I saw no need as I am older and divorced and was not going to be having children. Living together would have been fine for me. He wanted it.
My first husband was much the same I started dating others folks (with his knowledge as I told him I was ready to settle down with him but since he was not ready I was going to date others) Within two weeks he proposed.
Only you can decide what you want and what to do... but if you want/need marriage and he is saying no.... consider that if you leave him (and really mean it) he may change his mind.
DO NOT use this as a bargaining chip..do NOT play with this "i'm leaving if you won't marry me" it's not a tease... you stay as long as you can and you leave when you must.... what he does is on him but all you do is take care of yourself. If taking care of yourself makes him change his mind... then that's a bonus.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2015): Idk if my story would help any but in my early 20s I did not believe in marriage for lot of reasons: needed more trust from my girl and didn't know if I'll get it, had no clue what I will do in life, 4 years of university seemed so long let alone 10 years, I couldn't support my self so how could another, I was paranoid about making kids because I didn't want illegitimate ones so always watched sex with her, I did not understand what love for a woman feels so needed time. Later I didn't want to marry because I still had no career after university... But anyways, my girl stuck through all that, used the time for her career and now I cannot be happier with my marriage.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2015):
 Well,if marriage is really VERY important to you, common sense would suggest that you cut loose and look for someone who wants the same as you.
Hoping that he changes his mind in time is a risky bet. He might, of course ... maybe he is just young, if he is 23 or so, well, WHO ever wants to get married at 23 !, - outside of Dear Cupid ? Honest, I do not mean to be sarcastic, it's just the factual - I do not know of any young man ( and few women ) who has as a goal in life
" getting married early, and starting a family before 25 ". And stats support that because the average male age for marriage in your country is ... I don't remember exactly, but something like 31-32.
But he also may never change his mind, and then ?...
This is one of those things like having or not having children, you must clearly assess HOW important it is for you. If it's a preference , a strong wish, " I'd really love to be married but if it does not happen I can be happy nevertheless " , you can risk. But if it's something more... and he never changes his mind, this means that by sticking with him, you give up YOUR fondest wish and life dream, and I can't see how that would not make you frustrated and ,more or less secretly, resentful of him.
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