A
female
age
41-50,
*orever1
writes:Hello everyone. I am going to give this a try, thinking about it on my own has made me crazy and everyone around me just tells me to leave.I'm in love, have been since I moved in with my boyfriend 7 months ago. We had been together a little longer than that, but actually met over 10 years ago, didn't date then, we were friends and a bit more at times. Now I am 34 and he is 41. We have had our struggles and they always revolve around my emotional needs conflicting with his desire to build his business and take care of obligations set in motion before me. It has come to the point where he is saying if I continue to need him in this way and get upset when he doesn't conform to traditional things a boyfriend usually would do that we won't work, he says he needs to focus on work and that I should just live my life as if he isn't in it for awhile until he gets things under control. He wants me to be happy around him even when he can't give affection and when he is moody. Now, having said that, he also says he as in love with me as he ever was, that hasn't changed, but that the pressures of a/any relationship right now are proving to be too much. He then goes on to say that I don't have to move out? Does it make sense that if a man is really stressed he doesn't want to deal in emotions? How can I best be supportive at this time? How can I tell if he has mentally moved on from me or really is just stressed and needs be to cool off and relax while he gets things under control? He says that he can not do both, he can't focus on work and then switch gears quickly and focus on me. He compared me to a drug?! WTF, saying that to be with me makes him want to be with me more and then he doesn't work and if he doesn't work a lot more than most right now, that there will not be an us. I am so frustrated and confused. I am so in love with him, I believe in him, but when he says he has nothing left how do I react, what can I do to make things work and flow easier for both he and I. I do really want to be with him, I just don't know if he really wants to be with me. I have a few issues with him that I don't have with anyone else. Any points of view are appreciated and if there are any men out there that can relate, please share with me.
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female
reader, forever1 +, writes (16 June 2008):
forever1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who offered advice! Here is what I decided to do. I backed off the sexual pressure completely and tried harder to ignore what I didn't understand for now and just be his friend this weekend.
The weekend was busy for us because of father's day anyway, but it seems that me not "looking for him to perform".. either by being
We seem to have found our friendship again. Don't get me wrong, we have to see if this can last, but for this weekend it worked great! He seemed more relaxed and actually engaged me in doing something with him, this led to him being loving and that led to sex! Granted we need more time there, but for now things seem to be on the mend. Thanks to all and I will keep updating.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): This is a common problem with us old married couples. Just wait till you have kids!
Some random suggestions:
-Work with him to schedule some times of the week or day that are sacred to his work (you must not bug him for any reason during that time) and some times that are sacred to you (you and he must pay attention to each other and have fun together) An hour every weekday to check in, plus 3-5 hours on each weekend day should be sufficient for "love time".
-If he feels that this much time is impossible, maybe you can alternate so that one month there's more scheduled work time, but the next month he concentrates more on your relationship.
- if you do things to make life easier for him like take care of bills, housework, etc. agree to put at least half of his saved time towards your couples time, and then you can decide from week to week whether the rest of the time is a gift to his worklife
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A
female
reader, SummerSunshine  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 By spending time apart i meant simply doing more activities involving your friends after work, if there is a trust issue, make sure u allow him to ask where u going etc. and tell him, if he doesnt ask, thn dont feel the need to tell him. It sounds like to me he needs to acknowledge his stress and deal with it in a healthy way. Maybe consulting a doctor or you simply askin advice on his behalf may help?? And on a night you have in, just a suggestion to soften him up, how bout making his favourite dinner or pudding one night, make it little bit special, he may realise how out of order and stressy he has got.
At the end of the day hes a who has become over stressed due to work, try and encourage a relaxed atmosphere at home.
This is really tricky I think, it took me half hour to write this! GoodLuck. xx
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A
female
reader, forever1 +, writes (13 June 2008):
forever1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responding. Your advice seems sound. My question is this. How do I go about doing this while living with him? I also need to tell you that we both have a few trust issues in our past, and so we both decided we like to let each other know where we are and what we are doing and kind of when we will be home. Is that healthy? If feels fine when things are running smoothly, but then he gets into a mood or becomes stressed and seems not not care whether I communicate or not, in fact it seems to irritate him. I am concerned about stopping communication just so he can have what he seems to want as far as space and him thinking I don't care or respect our deal to talk to each other.
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A
female
reader, SummerSunshine +, writes (13 June 2008):
By giving him space may make things better, this allows you to be become more independent, which by the sound of it at this moment in time is what he wants of you and enables him to concentrate on work. You have known each other for a long time which is why u are able to talk to him, which is a good start. However he shouldnt shut you out of his life completely, have time apart for a while see how you go. If he starts noticing your independence he may start becoming jealous that you are allowing urself to have a life that doesnt evolve around him, which is a good sign, he will ask questions and become more involved!
Its jus a suggestion, Good Luck xxx
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A
female
reader, SummerSunshine +, writes (13 June 2008):
By giving him space may make things better, this allows you to be become more independent, which by the sound of it at this moment in time is what he wants of you and enables him to concentrate on work. You have known each other for a long time which is why u are able to talk to him, which is a good start. However he shouldnt shut you out of his life completely, have time apart for a while see how you go. If he starts noticing your independence he may start becoming jealous that you are allowing urself to have a life that doesnt evolve around him, which is a good sign, he will ask questions and become more involved!
Its jus a suggestion, Good Luck xxx
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