A
female
age
30-35,
*exi suga
writes:Recently i met this guy and began talking to him. we bacame very close in a short space of time. For the first couple of months we were talking every day over the phone for hours upon hours. We then met up a few times and it was great and he then came back to my flat. Nothing happened as i still believe in the no sex before marriage rule. Howvever we did do other stuff. After the first time we became a little physical i believed that we were together. I then brought up the topic of relationships, suggesting that we should get together. He explained to me that he cant be with me as he has just got out of a long term relationship and hes not ready. stupidly i thought il just give him time to come around and we carried on seeing each other and still getting fairly intimiate. But its now got to a stage where i really want to be with him but hes still doesnt want to be with be but still wants to hang around with me and be intimate. I dont understand whether to carry on seeing him without being in a relationship or whether to just call it a day and say its not worth it. he says he cares about me but hey its obvoius that he doesnt care about me enough to be with me right?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Oh I'm sure he's interested because you are willing to be with him and his ex is not. However he still wants his ex so he's just taking advantage of your interest.
A
female
reader, sexi suga +, writes (2 July 2008):
sexi suga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthough what i still cant understand is why is he spending so much time with me, hanging around with me and staying on the phone with me till early hours of the morning surely that says hes interested right or am i just being naive...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 July 2008):
You can bet the farm that he figures he'll eventually get "the full deal" from you. I'd tell him to look you up when he's over his ex, no need for you to play second fiddle.
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A
female
reader, sexi suga +, writes (2 July 2008):
sexi suga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhmmm i kinda agree with ask oldersister... somehow i kinda feel that he doesnt buy the whole virgin route and believes that he can get me hence him still waiting around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): He has very strong feelings for his ex, even though he's not with her, he must still think about her. He's told you he likes you and likes hanging out with you. Although your not having intercourse, if your allowing him to be intimate then your still having sex.
He needs time to get over his ex, but who knows when that might be. Suppose it takes a year, suppose it takes a lifetime, are you still willing to wait. He gets a good freind and he gets to get intimate with you. Can I ask what you get? He's not your boyfriend, your not dating, your just "doing other stuff"? You can't date anybody else, you just wait untill he's made up his mind either way.
Don't you have better things to do? I assume you eventually want sex and marriage. This guy isn't offering you that, he's not really offering you anything at all. He's got himself a girl to play with (that's you) but he's given you no promises, he owes you nothing. He could go and find another girl tomorrow, and you'd have nothing to say. Why are you waiting for this man. If he hasn't got over his ex then he should stay single and stop using women to take her place. He might like you, but not as much as he likes his ex because he'd take things more seriously. Of course you can wait if you want to, but he's given no guarantees. Whilst your waiting on this guy, mr perfect could be walking by. Life is short babes, too short to wait on a man who can't make up his mind.
Stop getting intimate with him untill he shows you a sign that you should put your heart and your body on the line. He has nothing to loose, but a great deal to gain by being in this "friendship" with you. Give him space to sort out his mind and then if he loves and wants you, he'll know where to find you, if your still single by then.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 I think the poster explained that he wasn't getting a "fuck", so she can't technically be called his "fucktoy".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): No, he doesn't care for you. He just wants to use you as his own personal fuck toy. Have some self-respect and don't let him use you. You deserve better than someone so shallow and single-minded.
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A
female
reader, sexi suga +, writes (1 July 2008):
sexi suga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA quick upddate:
I spoke to him this morning and i told him exactly how i felt. he persisted that if he didnt care about me or even like me he wouldnt waste so much time hanging around with me or even talking to me on the phone. he said if it was just a physical thing then techniqually he aint getting anything and would go somewhere that would give him the full package. he seemed to convince me fairly well. why would he hang around somewhere if he aint getting anything, he must have some sort of feelings right. similarly he mentioned that he still has feelings for his ex but would never consider getting back together with her. this annoyed me a little as how could he have feelings for her and still be fooling around with me. i told him exactly that and he said that was exactly the reason he didnt want to get with me as it isnt fair on me coz he still has feelings for his ex.
at the moment im just really confused to what he wants. hes made it clear that he does care about me and suggests that in time it could go further.but at the moment we are both getting to know each other and we are having fun too... but im not sure that is enough. weirdly he also mentioned that when we first started talking he didnt plan to really like me as much as he does. he didnt realise that we would become so close. he said when we first started of he didnt want anything but now its got to a stage where he does care about me but just needs time. i do understand that hes hurting but i cant help to be a bit selfish and think about what i am going through too.
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A
female
reader, sexi suga +, writes (1 July 2008):
sexi suga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little update: i spoke to him this morning and he mentioned that he still has feelings for his ex but there is no way he would even consider getting back with her. I told him that he cant possible have the same feelings for me if that is the case. he still persists that if he didnt like me or care about me he would not waste so much time with me on the phone and hanging out. he also mentioned that really speaking if it was just a phyisical thing then techniqually he aint getting anything anyway and if it was all about the phyiscal he would go for someone who going to give him the full deal. It kind of convinced me a little.
weirdly i also asked whether he was a commit-aphobic but he stated that it wouldnt be fair if he gets together with me whilst still having feelings for his ex. the situations so confusing and sometimes i think is it worth it really speaking all he is asking for is time right, but then whilst im giving him time i still am hanging around him and we are still fooling around.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (1 July 2008):
He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He says he's not ready for a new relationship, but he's certainly ready for a bit of no-strings-attached intimacy! If you're not happy with a relationship like this, then you don't have to put up with it. After you've made it clear to him that you don't want to be a plaything for an unattached guy, you should break off the intimate contact and simply continue as friends. It will then be up to him to choose.
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A
female
reader, SadieB +, writes (1 July 2008):
He is using you. He has been honest in part and told you that he doesn't want a relationship with you, but by talking to you for hours on end, he has led you to believe that there is a chance for you both in the future. You might not believe in sex before marriage - very noble, but there's nothing worse than an unfulfilling sex life and you don't want to be married before discovering that your partner's rubbish in bed - but you are being intimate with him and therefore allowing yourself to be used. The quickest way to find out if he likes you? Next time he calls, tell him you like him but are not willing to be used for his sexual gratification and then put the phone down...please contact me with an update, best of luck x
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A
male
reader, Oldskool +, writes (1 July 2008):
It's a difficult one because I was and am in the role of that guy. I can only tell you what I felt and maybe you might have a chance to build something meaningful. When I got divorced I met what I now know to be the perfect person for me. I couldn't appreciate what she was because I was still bitter and hurt from the past and I probably contributed to my new loves' jealousy and mistrust. I said I wanted to be alone and just see other people, but now I know I was really scared. I was scared of not being able to make the sacrifice and commitment, you see I felt that my previous relationship was one in which I lost my identity and lived a life of servitude to make someone else happy, but now I put myself first. He may have scars that he cannot adequately explain right now and maybe it helps him to bury the hurt by just seeing you and not dealing with the problem. It's not always a good idea to have someone else in your life to take away a previous loves' place. He may not be playing you around, but you need to be able to see other people and not be attached to him or simply tell him that this just isn't for you and he needs time to sort out his own focus. Try to somehow understand him and be gentle. I don't want him to be like me an push away the best thing in my life. I am 39 now and I feel that the old saying 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' is bang on the money. The scenario with the most potential for pain is the scenario with the most potential for joy. We can either walk the white line as most do or hug the curb for a faster ride and take a chance. At times like this your friends are gold, not because they can advise, but because when love hurts it's best not to be on your own. I know I didn't answer really, but I hope you have something more to think about. I do know how he feels.
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A
female
reader, Ski +, writes (1 July 2008):
that's not right he should commit if you have done what you said I understand his side I mean but you deserve a commitment and I would say that you should say no more "fooling around" till you get that oviously don't be so agresive tell him how you feel that you need something because its not fair to you its hard to get over a long term relationship but he needs to give you something besides intemicy and if he's ready for that sooner than later he should be ready for a relationship
Hope I helped
Ski
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