A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He is a lot older than me, I'm 21 and he is nearly 40. In all my relationships (which isn't many) I've always had a big problem with trust and worrying about my boyfriend and them liking other girls etc. I have been having treatment for it which is coming to an end because it was so obsessive and so armful to me in the way that this worry was making me physically ill. With my current boyfriend I have worried a lot, more so because he has had 7 girlfriends and I know at his age that isn't that many but he had sex with them and I've never had sex so I always worried they meant a lot more. He has told me that since meeting me he's realised that what he's felt in the past was not love and he has had some pretty bad relationships. Anyway, recently I've stopped worrying so much about his exes and the fact that he was married in the past (he was divorced when we got together). But one thing that constantly bothers me on and off is a girl he knows. To me there is 'evidence' that something has gone on between them but he says nothing ever has and it never will. Basically, he rented a room off her for a while so was living in the same house for about a year. She had a son whilst he was living there and he got quite friendly with the son. One day I found a picture of him and the boy on his phone and it was quite far away so I asked who it was. He said he didn't know. Later though he admitted it was this girls son and he'd gone out with them on a rare occasion and the girl had taken the photo of him with the boy on his shoulders. I worried this meant something. Another time there was a photo of the girl and her son sent to his phone. Again I worried this meant something but he said he assumed she was just being friendly sending it to him and when he deleted it cos he knew I was upset. Right near the start of our relationship he met up with her but didn't tell me, it came up later in a chat because he thought he'd told me but he hadn't. Another time they went bowling without him telling me. He hasn't seen her now for nearly 2 years because he's pretty busy and doesn't really go out with friends much. He says he didn't tell me about the times they did meet because he knew I was a big worrier and he didn't want to cause a scene over something that to him meant nothing. He says seeing her is no different for him than seeing a male friend. Sometimes I stop worrying. But still it comes to my mind sometimes and I remember all these things and think they mean something. EVerytime I ask he says surely I must realise now that he would be so sick of me asking that if something had gone on he'd have just told me to shut me up. He has told me loads about past relationships so I guess why wouldn't he have told me about that. My question really is, what do you think? Can what I've told you about be completely innocent or does it mean that there were some feelings or that something happened? Would just like people's views on it. Thank you :) Sorry for the long question, just wanted to explain things.
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female
reader, elsie +, writes (13 May 2007):
 although the two year gap is quite a good sign i do totallu understand your concern.this friend of his doesnt seem to be stalking him or pestering him for anything.i feel your best bet and possibly the only way you are going to get any peace of mind is to ask if you can meet her?even if you dont really want to youll be able to tell alot by his reaction.or if you cant do this at least if its eating you that badly tell him to phone her and you listen.otherwise,as over the top as these ideas might seem, at least you get settled in your mind once and for all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHanks Minxlegs. He did say that he doesn't have to tell me everythingthough because he said it was just like seeing a male friend and he might not tell me everything he does in a day just cos to him it doesn't mean anything. Also because he knew how much I worry he said he didn't want to upset me. Problem is he had told me two lies- one about his age and when I asked him if there were any more secrets he said that he had been married once in the past. When I found this out he said he had wanted to tell me but didn't want to lose me. At the time I said is there anything else and he said no, he said he would have told me then if there was anything with this woman because he admitted to the marriage which he could have kept secret still.
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A
female
reader, MinxLegs +, writes (11 May 2007):
 Sorry to say it, but if he is lying about seeing this person and her son, even if he thinks it is innocent it is not. If he has nothing to hide then he would have told you before. Dont ever trust a lier.
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A
female
reader, Ophiana57 +, writes (10 May 2007):
Even if you happen to see them together and kissing each other, don't make a hasty conclusion. Not necessary that there' always something fishy between a man/woman relationship. I've had male friends/acquaintenaces and culturally we do give a parting kiss, when you see someone off at the end of a visit.You need to be 200% sure to arrive at a conclusion. So don't spoil the happiness of your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve. I must learn to not worry! It's very difficult though!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (10 May 2007):
 I think she's just leaning on him a bit, for her AND her son. She obviously knows he's in a relationship with you though and she's back off somewhat. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!!!
Just keep vigilant, watch, listen and carry on with your life together. That's all you really can do for now.
Eve
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Lil Dee. He has told me so many times that nothing has ever gone on with her and he has never wanted it to. At times he has got a bit angry but he said it's because he is so frustrated that no matter how many times he tells me nothings happened, I still worry. You're right about the age thing. On and off I have wondered about it myself and whether it can really work. I'm so unsure about it. Sometimes I'm unsure about how I feel about him as well, one minute I see him as being quiet young, the next time I look at him (and I know it's not all about looks) I think he's really quite old and I'd prefer someone younger but anyway that's going off the subject.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dazzerg. Thing is, he does say that they aren't close friends either, she was the main friend he had back then so he did see her a couple of times a monthbut he says they don't/ didn't talk about everything or hang out together lots so to him she is just a friend, there's no special bond or anything apparently. And to anonymous, I did wonder once if the boy was his child but he doesn't really have anything to do with him now and I know how much he'd like children and if he had a child I think he'd be showing a lot more interest. It better not be the case anyway or I'd be devastated!
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A
female
reader, Lil Dee x +, writes (10 May 2007):
hiya,
well to be completely honest, i think, with all your worrying in the past about every other partner you have been with, this clearly is a huge worry to you as you believe you have evidence. This woman he has met up with, could just be a friend of his. on the other hand, there could possibly be something going on. it may not be my place to speak about this subject, but my concern is the age. most relationships do not work when there is such a large age gap. you may be different, i dont know. if i was you, i would ask him out straight about it (if you already have'nt) and see his reply. if he gets angry about it and denies it, take some time alone to think about what you want. surely you dont want to be in a relationship where you cannot trust your partner. have a serious think about you and your life. you are only 21 years of age, and have a lot left in life to explore!
hope ive helped a little x
Lil Dee x
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (10 May 2007):
 I think all of this could be compleltly innocent. To be honest there is nothing here that you say that suggests that they could be anything other than really close friends. I think you definatly need to give the benefit of the doubt on this one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve. He hasn't seen her for these 2 years but I think he has occassionally text or spoken to her. Also one time, think it was the Christmas before last, she text asking if he wanted to go bowling with her and her son for my boyfriends birthday. I found the text, he didn't tell me but he said it was because nothing had been definitely decided. This was when I found out that he'd been bowling before without telling me. I guess men can have friends that are girls though without it meaning anything. I have friends that are men who I meet up with but hate to think of it the other way round which is bad of me I know.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (10 May 2007):
You said he hasn't been in touch with her for 2 years now so I would give him the benefit of the doubt here. It could well be that you are just being overly sensitive. If he's a generally friendly person then he would have spoken to her son on occasions, especially living so close to them. I wouldn't worry yourself about it. I would just keep alert and trust him on this one.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2007): Are you sure its not his son and one of his exes??? it sounds to me that its deffo its his son.
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