A
female
age
41-50,
*arcelle
writes:HiMy (now) ex and I met in 1st year uni, we were inseperable-platonic best friends. At the end of the year we slept together and moved in together and started a very loving relationship for 2 wonderful years. He was so amazing, always told me how much he loved me and gave me sentimental gifts all the time. We had a good sex life and my only problem was that he was very jealous and made me stop wearing make-up etc. last year I left the country for 8 months to look after my mother. When I returned my boyfriend and I started up again. He admitted to sleeping with another girl when I was away, he said that she disgusted him and I got over it. Then we had a small fight and he kissed another girl, who he later admitted to kissing and fondling while I was away. I broke it off, and refused to speak to him, he kept calling me and pleading for me to come back. I was stupid and I came back to him. It was very hard for me to see him in the same light but because I loved him so much I wanted it to all work out. 2 nights ago, he confessed that during our relationship he would fantasize about other women while we had sex. One of these women was a mutual friend of ours. They had hooked up before we got together and he always maintained that he found her unattractive and "smelly"! I questioned him about her at the beginning and he got angry at me and said I shouldn't be jealous and told me that I had to be friends with her. We would joke to each other about her and I felt safe. The thing that really gets to me is that he said that she was the main girl that he would fantasize about. This is really killing me, I can't sleep, I don't intend to see him again but all I can think about is how betrayed I feel. I am suicidal, I have heart pulpitations, I haven't stopped crying for 2 days now and I really need some help PLEASE
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best friend, jealous, kissing, moved in, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 Now this is a good answer by Eddie. I think I should back what he says, because the fact that more than one people think this way can help you overcome the feeling that you're not doing the right thing.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 It sounds like this guy has been less than honest with you. Is it possible you'd be better off by taking the first step toward rebuilding your self esteem. Maybe he needs to go.
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A
female
reader, Marcelle +, writes (7 July 2007):
Marcelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your reply Eddie. I realise that I shouldn't be getting the help I need mentally on the internet but please understand that I am all alone right now and I have no-one to speak to.
To answer your question about the "confession". he and I were going to see a friend of ours and all of a sudden he sprang up and said that he had to tell me that this friend was there the night that he kissed this other girl. He said that it he had to tell me so that when I saw him I would not look the fool. I freaked out because every time we seemed to move on he would have another confession and then claim that he had told me everything. I asked him if he had anything else to tell me and I could see it in his eyes, I really needed to know what I was up against in order to carry on the relationship as it stood in the present. I had no idea that he would rip apart the 2 years that I had been with him. He knew I was very vulnerable at he time and he knew I was asking him about what he was up to now that I was back rom my trip. He really ripped my heart in two, he told me that he would think of her while I gave him oral sex etc. The fact is that we hadn't seen her in a year and a half and he knew that I would never see him again if he confessed his secret he also knew that she was the one girl that would twist the knife. Why would he plead for me to come back to him over and over and over again if he didn't care about how I felt?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (7 July 2007):
First of all, if you feel really down about this, you need to get some help from somebody who is actually there for you. Not over the INTERNET. Nobody here really knows your state of mind and we're not professionals. Keep that in mind.
We all have thoughts and fantasies. This is normal. If we actually knew what went through our partners minds, we'd be devastated. It takes maturity and commitment to maintain a relationship, even in the times when you can't stand your partner. It sounds like every time your boyfriend hits a bump in the road, he strayed. That is not very mature or loving. If anything, that is his worst crime.
Again, we all have thoughts about sex. The BIG point here is knowing when to our mouths shut. If my wife came home with a friend who was a really sexy, pretty woman and I thought about her during sex or masturbation, I'd never tell her. It's just stupid and can only hurt or anger the spouse. My wife would say...."I don't care about that @%$#, why did you bother to say that." She would wouldn't' be hurt that I thought it, but angry at my stupidity for saying it. She's realistic enough to imagine that it probably occurs and means nothing. She realizes that it's just candy for the brain and my commitment to her is in my heart.
Very important question here...you said he confessed to you about his thoughts. Was it a confession on his part or questioning on your part? Did you ask him that question? I can't imagine him just bringing it up. If you were asking him questions, hoping to hear certain answers to reinforce your self image, that's dangerous. Sometimes the people we're asking questions to, tell us the truth , and the truth hurts.
Here's an example.......If you feel unvalidated or under appreciated by your spouse you may want to talk to him. If you start the conversation through the back door, it can backfire. For instance, don't ask him if he finds so and so attractive..... does he ever fantasize.....does he ever think about other women.....what is his fantasy etc. If you're coming from a weak point, mentally speaking, and he answers honestly, it will only fuel the fire in your head and reinforce the negative feelings you have for yourself. In reality what he is thinking is normal but the questions you're asking are unreasonable because you're unhappy and fishing for the answers that supportive your negative feelings.. If he knew this he might answer in a different way.
This is why trust is so important in a marriage. We all have thoughts and dreams. It should be expected. We don't act on them though. That is what makes commitment such a beautiful thing and makes us so angry when others try to break apart solid couples. People who cheat do not understand the value of a great relationship and how special it is to those who enjoy them.
So your problem is not what he thinks, it's what he DOES.
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A
female
reader, Goth Mo +, writes (7 July 2007):
Sweetheart... relationships are hard but the most important thing is that you've realised that it isn't a good relationship for you. You need to focus on yourself and how you feel not about how he betrayed you. Pamper yourself. Have a bath, go out with your girlfriends and don't ever let a guy tell you what you can and can't do ever again. The main thing that stuck in my mind while reading your question was that he was jelous of you and forced you to stop wearing make up when it is obvious he had the problem. A lot of the time someone will be paranoid about their partner cheating on them if they're doing or thinking about doing it themselves. You need to just chill and know that you are a beautiful, unique, special woman and just because one guy couldn't see it doesn't mean it's not true.
In some cases thinking about things makes it worse. It's impossible to get over something or someone when you see that person. You need to break all ties with this guy if he's making you think about ending your life! Go out on the town and live your life the way you should be living it when you're this age. Have your cry out and be done with it. If he treated you this way he's not worth it. You need to know in yourself that he's the one in the wrong NOT you. Please don't do anything foolish. A guy like that is not worth ending your life over, no person who would make you want to do that is! Also look at other aspects of your life that would contribute to your suicidal thoughts. Talk to your girl friends or even your parents or perhaps a social worker. But the main thing is... stay strong... don't do anything silly and believe in yourself.
I hope i've helped a little bit. You are worth living.
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