A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is long, Im just so frustrated! I'm not sure if I even want to know or not, but this thought has been troubling me for a while now. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. During the relationship I was concerned about him having feelings for another girl, and the further we got into the relationship the more this troubled me. I broke up with him about a month ago, but he still wants to be friends, and we have many other friends in common, so we have sporadic contact. Im on the edge deciding if I can stay his friend or not. And I find myself being annoyed at this other girl even now, and the thought that he might still have feelings for her makes the breakup harder.Can a guy claim to love someone, and be in love with that person, if he truly is in love with someone else from before? Wouldn't that be incredibly cruel, or can he not know himself at all? My mother said that some men don't know themselves at all, so that he could have been in love with her even though he claimed to be in love with me.At the beginning of our relationship I didn't think he was in love with her, although I knew he had been at one point. He told me he was over her. But here's the thing, he said that she had told him she wasn't comfortable being around him so much knowing he felt for her what he did (he had confessed to her and she rejected him, she was and still is in a relationship). He then told her he was over her. He told me he "made the decision" to get over her. Which in retrospect sounds like he made the decision on the surface, and not from within based on actual fading feelings. I also think he made that decision so he could continue to spend time with her. The chronological order being: she telling him she can't hang out if he is in love, then him telling her (and deciding) that he isn't. During the relationship he would bring her up, mention how crazy he had been about her without me asking. Compared to how he felt for her, what he did for her, I was nothing. He said it felt better that way, not so consuming as it had been with her. It made me feel like the second runner up. The things he'd do for her, the light in his eyes when he talked about her... He'd tell me how wonderful she was, and when I confronted him he said he praised all his friends (he would also praise a few of his male friends, but she was the only girl he mentioned in that way, saying she was beautiful, funny, cute, you name it). He knew I had liked him for a while, and he'd often say "I hope you didn't go through what I did". I hate that he would take my feelings and compare them to how he felt for her! Not only once did he say this, several times. He'd also, without asking, say things like "I hate dancing, I'll never dance again. The fact that I went to dancing classes with (insert girls name) just proves how crazy I was about her." Needless to say, he refused to even slow dance with me. But what's with the constant reminder of how crazy he was about her? Especially when he WASN'T being anywhere near crazy about me. He said he loved me, that I was the love of his life, the only one he felt this way for, and he seemed so dedicated when he spoke. Said that I was the only one he felt this relaxed around, so comfortable around, could be this way with. But his actions made me unsure. He'd be texting this girl in the middle of the night, when he was in bed with me he'd be texting her, or after we'd make love he would be on the phone texting her. He claimed it hadn't been her all the time but other friends as well. But I know it was her a lot, because at times I got annoyed with it (the beeping from the phone woke me up at night) and I would ask who sends him texts at night. He also always responded to her texts, while it would take him forever to reply to others' texts. Even mine. As Im writing this it seems so obvious. I complained to him about his lack of taking initiative to meet. He rarely if ever would contact me first or ask to meet me, only in the last two weeks of our relationship did he step up and start contacting me (after I complained rather strongly). He said he's like this with everyone. But, I know for a fact he has contacted this other girl and asked to meet her, without her contacting him first (got them both on facebook, so I've seen it black on white, he also likes all of her statuses so I know he checks up on her). It breaks my heart to think I gave him my heart and then wanted to believe I had his heart as well.. then now thinking I never did, that she was the one on his mind. When me and him were just flirting, before we ended up in a relationship, there was a party we were at, and by the mentioning of her arrival he jumped up and left my side to go greet her. That's when I first asked him if he was over her, because it seemed he wasn't. He claimed he was just exited to see her because it had been a long time since he saw her last (don't think that was true, he'd seen her more often that he had me during those times and never went out of his way to greet me). Other friends whom he claims are very close and important to him he has been able to go without seeing for several months and his face wouldn't light up like that, and he wouldn't make a big fuss about it. Can a man lie to himself and tell himself he is over someone when he really isn't? I know it hardly matters any longer, but if I am to be able to be around him as friends later on, I don't know if I can deal with it if the truth is that he is still in love with her (meaning he never felt for me what he claimed to feel, that it was all fake). It makes me feel so stupid for believing his words when his actions speak otherwise. The last thing that makes me doubt his true feelings is that he would forget about me. I believe if you care about someone you don't forget about them? He'd forget to call me, forget about giving me information he promised he would. He claims to be this way with everyone, yet I somehow don't think he's like it with this girl. Like I said, he'd "forget" to answer a text message, yet he always responded to her texts, usually right away too, even if he was on a date with me. Me and this girl were talking one day, and I jokingly made a comment that he always forgets to reply to texts, and she said confused "but he always responds".I don't know if I can stay his friend if he truly does have feelings for her, that would make a joke out of what me and him had and I wouldn't be able to face him. I'm glad the relationship ended so the charade didn't continue... but it adds hurt if this is the truth. Like the relationship was doomed from the start and I was so naive to think he loved me and not her. What should I believe? Could this all be innocent incidents, that he used to pamper her with attention since he was in love with her before, and that the actions became a habit he didn't break out of? Could it be she was "just a friend"?For the record, I directly asked him several times, both before we ended up as a couple, while we were a couple, and after the breakup too. I asked if he had feelings for her, if he thought about how it'd be if he was with her, if he wanted her and not me. He gave the correct answer all times, that he was over her, didn't want her, didn't think about how it'd be to be in a relationship with her... What should I believe?
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female
reader, rosie2057  +, writes (15 July 2011):
He did not give you the attention you deserved, even if he claimed to love you. Actions speak louder than words and you definitely made the right decision.Some people like to hold onto a fantasy. I have a friend who has been in love with me for years, even though I have repeatedly told him I wasn't interested in that sort of relationship. I can see things far more clearly about our compatibility than he can. His current girlfriend doesn't like me and I don't blame her at all. He showers me with affection and praise in front of her.If I said the word, he'd dump her in a second. I don't want to date him. Plus, I would never dream of interfering with his happiness, so I go out of my way to avoid him. Not every woman is going to react the way I am reacting. One day he'll meet a woman he likes, who will reciprocate. He won't care about the pain it will cause his girlfriend or wife. This is precisely why I don't want to date him.Go and find a man who loves you and doesn't have another woman on his mind. Better yet let him find you!
A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 I have been in you situation before.Well it's just that me and my bf always argue about this girl w/c he claims friend of his.He even met her before I came along on the picture.It's very annoying that even if we are together this girl would text him or even call him.At first it never crossed my mind that this friend of his likes him very much.She always finds ways on how to contact him if my bf does not reply she will call and if I answer the phone she won't talk.I feel so irritated just simply hearing her name but good thing my bf doesn't really talk about her if I don't bring her up.I feel like she is stealing him from me and even contacting all of my bf family.She tries to talk to them on the phone or facebook and it makes me mad if she is doing that.I told her to back off and she said there is nothing wrong with what she is doing.I told her to stay away for so many times but she still keeps on pushing it.My bf already change phone so she can text or call but she often send messages to him facebook although he does not accept her as friend or even block her.She sends him her pictures on facebook and even pictures with only her undies on it.How shameful is that...So I guess we have the same story here it's just that your bf like this girl but on my story this girl likes my bf..And trust me everyday is so miserable living up to the shadow of this one girl that you hate so much...But on your case you already broke up I don't think being friend with him is gonna work out since you still have feelings for him.I mean good thing you cut it off before it's too late.If your bf is still not over her then he can't keep a relationship.You have to move on and find someone that can give you all his heart...Surely you are nice person and you deserve someone better..
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A
female
reader, StillStanding +, writes (15 July 2011):
Three is a crowd: he tells you one thing but his behavior tells you something else. If he is with you, he should not be jumping up to greet some other woman, especially his ex. Unacceptable. Did his ex break up with him? Are you aware of how she feels about him? I would not suggest that you cut him off, but don't "put your pennies all in one pot." I married the love of my life and there was once a girl "who was just a friend." The only problem was that they proceeded to have an affair. I am not implying that he will do that, but it is difficult to fall out of love with someone if you are still in constant contact with them. He is waiting for her? Are you the just in case girl? Be true to you - men will only treat you the way you let them treat you.
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