A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A couple days ago, I opened up again to my husband how his relationship with this female coworker makes me uncomfortable. He always says that I'm just jealous maybe a little bit but that's not the whole story. He txt or chat with this girl more than we do, she calls him sometimes 1am and he does pick up or respond to her txts. They joke in txts or chat or at work about dirty stuff like "I want u" come in the lover room with me" (he tells me all this stuff).Before she was just an acquaintance from work, she became a friend and he just admitted to me that now he treats her like one of his bestfriend just like his best friend that he has since he was 6. he tells me they have a lot in common and that they get along great. After he told me all these things I just felt I lost my best friend and husband all at the same time. I'm not really sure where I stand now, he doesn't hide anything that's got to do with her by i feel like he doesn't consider my thoughts or how this stuff making me feel. I don't want to have reason not to trust him but I think it's too late for that.My husband was the only guy I dated but even before I fell in love with him he became my best friend first and I slowly trusted him with everything in my life, but now I just felt betrayed, abandoned by him not as a husband but as a friend. Our relationship also became one-sided, he says that I'm always wrong, or I'm crazy or I just don't have anything else to do (he tells me this coz I'm at home mom just temporary though). At this point I felt so destroyed about the stuff that he tells me (I'm a bad mother, bad wife, I don't satisfy him or I'm not that good in bed etc...which he said that honor said these things coz he was mad) but I don't quite understand why I can still say I still love him the same. Last night I ask him if we can try counseling he said no coz he don't want to spend money on something he knows how to fix. He told me it's only "ME" that has to change, I have to change and everything would be better. I'm so physically tired taking care of 3 kids and keeping a good home, mentally exhausted about stuff that bothers me that I just can't release on anyone, and emotionally drained coz of the way my marriage right now. Almost 7yrs ago I became someone's girlfriend then a wife then a mother. I was jumping from a different role to role that I lost myself in the process and now I'm trying to get myself up and it's so hard. My husband the one person that I though would help me pretty much just dragging me down more with his actions and words.Today, I was struggling with a decision and going through list what I have done wrong that made this relationship like the way it is now. And I had found the answer... I given him all of me, I love him more than i love myself, cared for him more than I cared for myself and I support him and back him up on whatever it is he do. I didn't left anything for me. In other words, he saw or he knew that I wouldn't be anything without him that was my mistake. I want "US" back, the way we are to each other. But I can't do it by myself. I need him to go through this together but I don't see it that he would coz he had made up his mind that it's just all on me...
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female
reader, metalheadmom +, writes (9 December 2010):
 He won't go to counselign, because he would have to own up to his stupidity, which he is not willing to do. Now, he doesn't HAVE to ever admit he is wrong, because he has YOU to take it all - and you do. He knows you love him, but he loves himself far more than he could ever love anyone else.
Doesn't matter what you have done for him or what you have sacrificed for him - you can't make anyone appreciate you or what you have done. Yes, by catering to him, you have helped him become a very spoiled selfish jerk. That, is the only thing I see you did "wrong".
Go ahead and get counseling - it will help you to make the decision to leave this jerk. He likes things the way they are, so he isn't about to change a thing. You need you back - the "us" is long gone.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
 You don't have anyone you can talk to about this? That's not healthy! A close friend, a family member, a therapist, someone who can help support you and give you sanity checks is essential!
Good luck to you, I hope it all works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your response...
At this point I think I can still hang on because I know how it feels to have a home that almost fell apart and I don't want to put my kids through that. I might be emotionally stress but my husband is a great father and I don't want to loose the great smile in my kids faces when he comes home. But I know I have to start fixing me first. It's going to be hard since I don't really have anyone to share it with but ill try for the sake of my little ones. I'm not loosing hope, I still have trust in us that we could get back on track :-)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
I would go to counseling without him. Here's what I would say in your situation.
"Honey, things have not been right between us for some time. I am feeling disrespected, neglected, overworked, underappreciated, mocked, abandoned and betrayed. This isn't working for me anymore. I'm asking that you find a place to stay for now until we can repair what is broken. And if you say it's just me, then I know the relationship isn't salvageable, because you aren't willing to put in the work we need to do to get back to some semblance of a happy family life.
"I have done my best for us and for this relationship. This 'friendship' you have with this woman is not something I'm going to be able to tolerate, you don't joke with your male friends about having sex with them and you don't talk to them at 1 am. You have let her into areas of your life, and therefore MY life, which are not really for simply friends. It has destroyed my trust in you and it has caused me distress which you don't seem to be willing to comprehend.
"I know it's the holidays but I cannot live a lie anymore. Either we go to counseling or you move out for now. We can revisit that after a couple of weeks but right now I am at the end of my personal resources and I need to focus on ME and MY needs, so that I can manage being a mother.
"I have loved being your wife and want to be your loving and faithful devoted wife but in this present circumstance, I don't feel I can."
I would advise you get to counseling ASAP with or without him. I'd also advise you get yourself to a divorce attorney to lay a good foundation for yourself should things deteriorate to the point that you will have to legally separate from him. Some of the stuff you need to do is counterintuitive, based on what I've heard from friends who have gone through the process and you need to protect yourself and your small children should things completely fall apart.
Right now, I don't think he realizes the extent of your unhappiness, or if he does, he's not prepared or willing to work on the problems. You have to be strong, keep your head about you and PLAN and then ACT.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): "Last night I ask him if we can try counseling he said no"
Don't accept "no" for an answer. Tell him that. "no" is not an option. If it is, then the marriage will probably end. It is cheaper and better to start early.
You can tell him that you have this on good authority from someone else who has been there and done that.
You and he have a serious problem that leads to divorce, affairs, broken families, children feeling abandoned, etc.
My wife thought I might be having an affair, but didn't tell me that, she asked to go to counseling, I said "I don't see why we need to do that." She didn't feel she could talk to me and this got worse in her mind. Then, shortly afterward, she ended up having an affair herself, short term sexual fling, and we nearly ended up divorced over this (we had young kids also). She thought I was thinking about leaving her (it was "all in her head" and "furthest thing from my mind").
I wasn't having an affair, emotional or otherwise, but it didn't matter because she thought something might be going on. When she realized the truth, she seriously thought of killing herself because I'd been sort of "mentally accused and convicted" and she had "retaliated" for something that I'd actually not done (never even casually touched anyone). I worked with a lot of intelligent women, almost exclusively, and didn't realize how much it bothered her and made her feel vulnerable as a (by self choice) stay at home mother when she started to compare herself to others.
In the end it took many thousands of dollars in counseling to hold the family together.
So, maybe it is all in your head, maybe not. But you get him into a counselor, even if you have to drag him in, and talk to him and the counselor openly and fully about everything that is bothering you. Do not withhold anything, no matter how painful it may be.
It may save your marriage, it may not.
When my wife and I left the counselor's office one day, she started physically shaking when the enormity of what she had done, as well as the false foundations the impulse to do it had been laid upon, hit her. I'm a medical professional, if I hadn't been and hadn't been well versed in this area I'd not have stayed because I'd not have been able to understand.
But her family history set her up to believe the worst about any spouse.
Get a counselor, don't try to do this alone unless you like the idea of divorce.
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A
female
reader, Longhornfan81 +, writes (7 December 2010):
When some one says that you need to change-you definitely need to reconsider your relationship. It doesn't sound like a good situation, especially if you are trying to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence.
It takes two to tango, and if he doesn't want to dance, then some hard decisions have to be made. It's amazing that you realize how much of yourself you have given and relationships are about give and take (It sounds like your giving and he is doing all the taking).
You still have your whole life ahead and it seems that the first part has gone by really fast and complicated. Make sure the second half is focused on your kids and yourself. You are the example, so it's up to you if you want to stay in this kind of marriage......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Hiya
I am sorry to hear what you are going through, what a situation.
Have you tried flipping the situation over and asking him how he would feel if you said and did the things with a male friend? Use examples like the dirty stuff they say to each other to prove your point.
Tell him after you say this that it obviosly isn't you who needs to change but his behavior with this woman needs to. I personally would be in a rage if my partner ever spoke dirty to another woman let alone answer her calls at 1am in the morning!
Is this becoming a make or break point for you? Would you consider leaving him over this? It would be a shame to throw away your years of marriage as it doesn't seem like he has physically cheated on you, but if he can't accept he needs to make an effort on his part I can't see how your relationship can improve.
Best of luck in the future and keep us updated on how things go it would be lovely to hear if things work out for you X
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