A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im 28 years old and yave been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We have a 10 year old and a 6 year old. We are best friends and cant be away from each other for more than a few hours a day. We are in love. He never proposed but gave me a ring on my 21st birthday. Just this may we celebrated our 13th anniversary. So i asked him to finally marry me now can we have a wedding? And he said lets do it. So for the last few months i planned the wedding out. And then he finally asked me and i said yeas!! We are now 6 months away until we marry.but... Two days ago he said he's marring me because i want it and he doesnt. That im forcing him to get married. It feels like my heart was torn from my body spit and stepped on. . im so heart broken ove cried for days. And when he asks me whats wrong i say nothing. He acts luje he didnt say or do anytjing to me but hurt me so deep. Am i forcing him to marry me ? Do i want that kind of burden on my mind the rest of our life? What do i do ?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2015):
 Did he literally use the words " you are forcing me " ? and did it just come out of the blue, or in the context of a discussion about some unexpected cost or hurdle or annoyance connected with organizing a wedding ?
Because my hunch is that he did not exactly mean" you are forcing me to do something I hate" I guess he basically meant " Hey, this was your idea, not mine to begin with- I was fine even without a wedding ceremony ". Which is a bit grumpy and not too romantic, but... does it really come so unexpected ? I mean, it took him 13 years and two children to propose ,... that's surely not a guy who's raring to tie the knot , and for whom getting married is a cherished dream !
I think he was just saying, maybe in a moment of bad mood, that he can't share your excitement because being legally married is more important to you than to him - for him, married or not is the same. Either way, anyway you have your love, and your kids.
Again, maybe that's not the most romantic sentiment... but it is also the truth, so I don't think you need to feel despair.
Just to be on the safe side, sit him down calmly, no sobbing no scenes, and tell him that you want him to be happy and do not wish to corner him into anythng. So , although marriage is important to you, if he has serious objections to being married, you won't force him or guilt trip him into anything, since what counts most is your love and your family, which you have anyway . ( At this point, though, pardon me for saying it, .. I would also be curious to know what these objection are , after 13 years , 2 kids, and, I suppose, the will to stay together for life. Did you ever talk before about why in his opinion it would be a better idea NOT getting married ? )
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 November 2015):
Eh, I think he's a guy and probably genuinely doesn't remember what he may have said that's caused you to be so upset.
Rather than the silence and assuming he can read your mind, I recommend instigating an adult conversation with him- ask him to sit down and listen, explain exactly what's bugging you and why, then sit back and actually listen yourself and see where it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2015): You asked him to marry you first. And you already have two kids by him. Yes you're pressuring him into marriage.
He's a jerk for not asking you first. 13 yrs is a long time. But you obviously love him so. I would say just keep things the way they are. Aren't you his common law wife anyway.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (25 November 2015):
It isn't a good idea to force his hand into marriage, even though it is unfair of him to ask you and then revoke. The alarm bells go off when you say he asks you what's wrong and you go on weeping without saying anything. You really need to communicate over this matter. Tell him how much you love him and how much you were hurt by this, but don't do it in a manner that suggests you are pressuring or even asking him for marriage. Leave it at that and treat him well and without drama. He will certainly have a lot to think about...don't be surprised if he soon reconsiders and asks you to marry. You don't to do anything that will make him doubt or regret his decision.I like the fact that you are so close (can't be away from each other for more than a few hours a day). Things are in your favor if you do this right...he has already asked you once and has spent 13 years with you. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2015):
 I think in this case you have to read between the lines. Some people are not good at expressing themselves. When they have fear, anxiety, frustration, their first instinct is to blame other people. In reality he could be worried that he can not be the best partner for you, he's feeling the vulnerability that one day you might get fed up with him and find some other men to be a better match. After all, marriage is the ultimate commitment and requires deep surrender and trust.
How you respond to him is crucial. It is never a good time to say something when you are freaked out, as a nervous reaction. After you both have time to cool down maybe you can find better words to express what you really feel.
I think the best thing to say to him is that you would never want to marry if that's the way he feels, and that you are willing to wait until a better time.
If you act like life is fine with or without the wedding, instead of feeling he has to bend to your wishes before the bomb ticks, then he is more inclined to feel that the marriage is his own decision.
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