A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI looked in my boyfriends email account and although there were no emails (all deleted, even the trash) on the contact list was several email addresses of girls and an email from [a website]. I logged on and had a look and it's a sex chat site.I confronted him tonight and he said he will be honest with me and told me he had chatted with a few girls (none sexual).I feel betrayed, everyone I know has said to leave him as it's a form of cheating but I need some advice, am I doing the right thing? He said he was testing himself to see if these women appealed to him, and said they didn't. He said if anything he loves me more and realises what he has. Is he lying ?Please help, im lost and feel helpless.Ps he said he never told me about it (I was in Portugal at the time with my sister, approx 2 months ago now) as he thought I would kick off. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Dr. Pete is correct. The internet is at our finger tips and it's very deceiving. It seems so easy to log on and pretend like you're not really doing anything wrong. After all, you're just talking and these people are far away. They can't really cause any harm.
I don't think he was testing himself either. Often, when we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar we blurt out some stupid response. This would have been one of them. He was getting some satisfaction from this site, be it just a mental thrill or the feeling of being desired. I suspect the latter. It probably made him feel good to "imagine" the woman on the other end, if it was actually a female, desired him.
So this was a red flag. Now you know and you have to keep your eyes open. He also has to be an open book in order to regain your trust. As for the others who say dump him, that's too easy. None of us know all the dynamics of the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): I'm not justifying this for a moment, but I'll start by saying that you've been together for 7 long years so you know this man best and what his motives were for doing this.
I think without a doubt he has made a serious mistake here, but then again, all people make mistakes, don't they? You need to look at this situation in a broader context of your relationship as a whole, rather than judging him on this one situation alone.
It is quite easy see how someone who has been in a relationship for such a long time can foolishly decide to sign up to a sex chat website. It is very easy to do, without realising what the actual consequences would be. The Internet makes these things so much easier. Whereas before, he'd have to go out to a singles bar, now with the Internet he just needs to sit in front of a computer and get his credit card out. The anonymity of the Internet does make it deceivingly innocent about what doing these kind of things actually means for a relationship.
For what it's worth, I don't think he is being honest about why he did it. I think it was more a case of him wanting to get sexual excitement and relief. I don't think there is any doubt that it was sexual in nature and in that regard I think he is lying. That said; I don't think he wants or intends to want to loose your relationship; I think it was an action based on curiosity.
Do you think he could have enjoyed the attention he was getting from these other women because something has changed or is missing from your relationship? Perhaps it would be helpful to find out exactly what he feels is missing from your relationship, and working to providing that. He though needs to be honest about what it is exactly that he wants from you because one of his needs clearly isn't getting met and he needs to have the courage to be able to honestly tell you and I think this is where the problem is; he doesn't feel comfortable in being able to be honest with you.
You also need to put other peoples advice to dump him in to perspective. No one can have a life-long relationship without having to get through some serious tests like this and like I said previously, we all, sadly, can make some serious bad choices in life!
What is more important is how he feels about you and the relationship and whether or not you still want to be a couple. If you both can communicate with each other then there is no reason why you can't get through this and become a much better couple because of it. Seven years is a long time, and I think you owe it to each other to properly talk because the impression I get is that he is too afraid to be honest about his needs and you're unable to express your insecurity to him in a way that he can show you his love and attention to you.
Last, you say did you overreact. Of course you didn't dear. It is understandable for any women, or man, to react badly when they suspect that their partner is interested in other people. Whether or not you overreacted however is not important, what is important is how you both go on from here. You are clearly both not getting something you need from one another. This lack is causing you to feel insecure and it's causing him to get some kind of excitement from women off the Internet. If you can talk properly and honestly you can instead get these needs met through each other. Perhaps if you can't get to the root of the problem then maybe you could try couples counselling - it's worth a try, isn't it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): Hi
Thanks again for your advise. Thank you all.I was wondering if iwas over re acting.
Is it possible any guys can give me there opinion/advice ?
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 So what would he have done if some of those girls DID like him? That's the real question. My guess is, he'd be in a real pickle right now. Any guy who's still testing the waters, so to speak is not ready to settle down with just one girl.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): Hi, I'm the one who posted the question.Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it, I've been with this guy 7 years almost and we were each others first. Was wondering if theres any guys who could give there opinion too?thanks again :-(Ps please note, I've had insecurity problems in the past and he said thats why he didn't tell me,and I accused him once of looking at sleazy newspapers and he said thats he looked and chatted, to see if these girls/women were how nice I said they were, cause hes never seen anyone he likes.Please help
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): Hi, im the 1 who posted the question.Thank you for all your replys, i really appreciate it, ive been with this guy 7 years almost and we were eacho thers first. Was wondering if there's any guys who could give there opinion too ?thanks again :-(Ps please note, I've had insecurity problems in the past and he said thats why he didn't tell me,and i accused him once of looking at sleazy newspapers and he said thats he looked and chatted, to see if these girls/women were hownice i said they were, cause hes never seen any1 he likes.Please help
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): Ditch him - he's definitely a cheat in the making so why hang around waiting for him to 'decide' whether or not he wants to. What an arrogant man he is - wow. I could never trust him again. Don't live with suspicion its not fair on you and will have an impact on your future relationships. Don't let it - and walk away right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): Personally, I don't think I could ever be with someone who does (did) that. If he truly loved you, or maybe if he knew what love was, he would never have been on a sex chat site in the first place (while in a realtionship with you). You can never be certain that the chat he had with them wasn't sexual, in fact, if he was there in the first place, chances are it was. You WERE betrayed. And honey, personally, I think that 'testing himself' stuff sounds like bullocks. He very well may be more interested in you than anyone, and he probably doesn't want to lose you (and will say just about anything not to), but his actions have spoken for themselves. If you are unable to trust him (i wouldn't) than perhaps you should move on. There are men who don't engage in that stuff. I don't want to make you feel worse, but that's my opinion.
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A
female
reader, edsbabygirl  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 If he chatted with a few girls on play naughty, I'm sure all those girls wanted to do was all that exactly. I think he was talking sexually and you have every right in the world to feel betrayed. My ex boyfriend cheated on me with everyone, even his own full blooded sister, so believe me I know betrayal!I think he is lying to you and he shouldn't care if those girls appeal to him because he has a girl like you. Hunny do not put up with lies. I may be 16, but I feel you pain. Girl to girl.... Im sorry you have to go through this! Be smart. Kayla
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A
female
reader, opinionated +, writes (3 August 2007):
Listen to your friends, listen to your gut instinct. It's almost always right. If you deep down think he's a liar and will probably do it again (or worse) believe yourself. Every teeny little flag I've ever ignored comes back to smack me right in the face.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): He's lying about it. You caught him & if you hadn't, he may still be doing it. Why would he need to test himself if he loves you & doesn't want other women? Don't let him get away with this. If you do, he will think you're niave & keep trying to talk to other women, or worse sleep with other women. I read your question to my boyfriend & he said he's lying as well. I think you know that it's pretty obvious!
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