A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My current boyfriend and I have been on and off for almost 6 years. We are trying to make it work this time but I have plans for my future and know what I want. He doesn't have the same views so I said then we shouldn't spend any more time with each other. If we still aren't on the same page then we need to move on completely. He said he doesn't want me to leave but is afraid to make the "commitement' to me. I want kids and marriage (I have a 7 yr old already). I didn't ask for it tomorrow but I asked to discuss it. He said he's scared so I asked if we could discuss it in 6 months from now.I don't think I'm a terrible person for wanting this and I don't want to push it on him so if he doesn't want the same things and won't even discuss it with me then I think we need to move on and find other people who want the same things as us. I am truly in love with this person but I don't want to put my life on hold for a maybe or I don't know. I said I would walk away many times if he was unsure and afraid. I overheard him talking to his neighbor (his best friends mother) saying how I wanted kids and marriage and she told him that I was possesive and if I was like this now how would I be in future (keeping in mind we have been "together" for 6 years) and that I was going to ruin his life. They also discussed how I had conerns about him cheating on me (I'm just self concious) and she said that I needed to get a life. I just want to know am I really a terrible person for knowing what I want in my future? I'm giving him the option to get out if he's afraid. Should I just walk away or am I really being a bad person? Thanks everyone.
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (12 April 2007):
 maybe while busy asking yourself those questions ask yourself if it will be easier to leave him if you wait a little llonger, i dont know which is best but as you have hands-on experience i am sure you know what to do. you are making a lot of sense in your post but if all these things are what you believe in why are you still making excuses for him? yes you dont want a marriage or a kid tomorrow but you need reassurance from him which you are not getting at the end this guy might end up committing to you just to make you stay as that is what you are pushing for, few months down the line he might leave you for someoneelse nothing can stop him if his commitment to you was never what he wanted so is this the kind of life you want? i dont know if he is afraid of the word but commitment is not about the word we both know that do you want him to give you his word or to let his actions speaks for him? ask him why he wants you to stay if he is not looking for something serious. i think six years is long enough for him to know if you are the one or not and i think you are not thats why he doesnt want to lie to you. leave him and find something better for yourself you are never too old for love.
Jovial
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses. I do appreciate all feedback. I just don't get it though why when I say I'll leave and he says no, he wants to be with me he's just scared of commitement. He says that just being with me now & for many years that that is his "commitement". I don't know if he's afraid of the word or what. Well about me getting a life? I think that's what I'm trying to do. See whats going on in my life to have the life I want. As for being possessive...I don't think so at all. I'm willing to leave the relationship if we aren't on the same page. I know it sounds like I'm saying to him "make a commitment or I'm leaving" but I guess in a way I am saying that but I'm not asking to get a ring and babies by the end of the week. I just want to be sure that the person I'm with wants to be with me and isn't going to leave me in a year for someone else. I know all relationships are tricky but you don't go into the relationship thinking that it will only last a few years and then you'll move on. You go in thinking its forever. I'm not pushing this on him everyday I just wanted to get a mutual decision. We've been together for a long time. I'm not that old but I don't want to be wasting time with someone who isn't eventually going to want the same things as me. It's a waste of time for both of us. I can understand people being afraid but then a new question arises? How do I move on and get over someone I've been in love with for so long or do I just wait a little longer and ask again and if I still get an "I dont' know" then do I leave? Thank you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses. I do appreciate all feedback. I just don't get it though why when I say I'll leave and he says no, he wants to be with me he's just scared of commitement. He says that just being with me now & for many years that that is his "commitement". I don't know if he's afraid of the word or what. Well about me getting a life? I think that's what I'm trying to do. See whats going on in my life to have the life I want. As for being possessive...I don't think so at all. I'm willing to leave the relationship if we aren't on the same page. I know it sounds like I'm saying to him "make a commitment or I'm leaving" but I guess in a way I am saying that but I'm not asking to get a ring and babies by the end of the week. I just want to be sure that the person I'm with wants to be with me and isn't going to leave me in a year for someone else. I know all relationships are tricky but you don't go into the relationship thinking that it will only last a few years and then you'll move on. You go in thinking its forever. I'm not pushing this on him everyday I just wanted to get a mutual decision. We've been together for a long time. I'm, not that old but I don't want to be wasting time with someone who isn't eventually going to want the same things as me. It's a waste of time for both of us. I can understand people being afraid but then a new question arises? How do I move on and get over someone I've been in love with for so long or do I just wait a little longer and ask again and if I still get an "I dont' know" then do I leave? Thank you!
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (11 April 2007):
Hi
I don’t think you are a bad person not at all. I don’t know how old and financially stable you are as this is usually a factor for many couples when it comes to marriage and commitment. Maybe these might be the reasons your partner is considering. I don’t think it has to take years for two people to know if their partners are for real. Forcing the issue everytime might make you insecure and naggy. Keep it to yourself for now and just observe the relationship with an objective eye. the things you see and feel might be the answers you had been seeking for all these years.
You might have been together for 6years but that doesn’t mean you are the right person for him I think you know this by now how he feels but you don’t want to believe it because you earnestly want him to say it straight with his mouth.
Questions to ponder: Do you want to be with a person who cannot even tell you if he sees a future for both of you for the past six years? Have you asked yourself why he is finding it hard to give you answers? Do you want a man who will discuss you with his neighbor with so much disgrace? How much do you think is true from what the neighbor had said? Do you think what is true might be what he is afraid of? Think about it.
You have a 7year old think about what this child need I don’t know if he is the father but if he is not is this the kind of father you will want your child to look upon? You seem to have so much to offer and I don’t think this guy will ever give you what you want you might consider moving on and find yourself a better man maybe six years was enough for this. Judge for yourself.
Jovial
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): Have you heard of the book "he's just not that into you?" Well, read it and dump the guy. You are better than that.
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