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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. and we live together Our current issue involves miscommunication. He gets really defensive and ridicules the things that I say, as if I am not getting my point across (as many times as I may try to rephrase it). Everything seems to somehow upset him. I try to be extra nice and apologize profusely, but he always ends up hurting me to the point of crying. My tears are the only way he will stop hurting me. He then turns into the nicest guy. I am just trying to be honest and I wish that he coud TRY and understand my point of view. Secondly, I am aware that changing a man is next to impossible. With my boyfriend, he often times keeps to himself. I know that something is wrong, but he won't tell me anything. I just want to help. Are there anyways of communicating in a better way to get better results? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 Don't fall for that insecure male and struggling musician spiel. If his music career isn't taking off and he chooses to take odd jobs for less money, it's no excuse to take out all his disppointments, bitterness, dramatic 'I'm an artist' crap on you! Trust me, I work in the music industry, this is not uncommon. You can say what you want but how he takes it, is HIS problem. Either he gets a job where he can pay half his way or he accepts that the relationship is this way and treats you with respect. He should be happy you're willing to put up with him! You choose to stay with him regardless of job and money so his behaviour is so out of order. Put your foot down, stand up to him, stop crying, tell him it stops NOW or you walk. When he does it I'm wondering what keeps you in the same room listening more? Walk away from him when he does it. What is it you think YOU'VE done that makes you think you have to sit through it?
A
female
reader, camille +, writes (7 July 2006):
Don't fall for that insecure male & struggling musician spiel. If his music career isn't taking off and he chooses to take odd jobs for less money, it's no excuse to take out all his disppointments, bitterness, dramatic 'I'm an artist' crap on you! Trust me, I work in the music industry, this is not uncommon. You can say what you want but how he takes it, is HIS problem. Either he gets a job where he can pay half his way or he accepts that the relationship is this way and treats you with respect. He should be happy you're willing to put up with him! You choose to stay with him regardless of job and money so his behaviour is so out of order. Put your foot down, stand up to him, stop crying, tell him it stops NOW or you walk. When he does it I'm wondering what keeps you in the same room listening more? Walk away from him when he does it. What is it you think YOU'VE done that makes you think you have to sit through it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): I have to say that I think Bev has hit the nail on the head totally with her advice. I recognise some of these behaviour traits in a male friend of mine and I think it is due to feelings of inadequacy - he regrets not getting a better education whereas I've got qualifications coming out of my ears!!!! I think he feels abit insecure and jealous about it all. He doesn't make me cry, but he does make digs at me. He also won't tell me what is wrong.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (7 July 2006):
 he gets off on humiliating you.
Do you really want to be with somebody who can only be nice AFTER they have emotionally hurt you.....?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): You said: "He believes that my expectations are too high and he feels as if I put him in a low place, as if he's not good enough for me."
Bev said: "Whatever the reason, it's plain as day that he's intimidated and he's trying to hurt you to assuage his own insecurities."
You don't need to suffer because he is not sure of himself. No one should take their anger out, by whatever means, on someone else because they are not happy with themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe believes that my expectations are too high and he feels as if I put him in a low place, as if he's not good enough for me. He is a struggling musician who has side jobs all over the place. Being constantly stressed like that (so he can contribute his share of the rent, insurance, etc.)can often times put a burden on our time together.He has voiced his concern about seeing someone about his anger issues.
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Hey there petal,
Here are some tips I gave to another woman with communication problems with her partner.....take a look @ see if they help @ all!
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-just-want-to-be-able-to-discuss.html
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 Surely, after 18 months together, your boyfriend knows you better than almost anyone. Sorry, but a misunderstanding (and I still doubt that's what it is) is no reason to argue with you to the point of tears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe thinks that I'm trying to hurt him. If you were to ask my mom or my closest friends about me, the things that I say are honest and mean well, but at the same time they could be taken the wrong way if someone didn't know me all that well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): Your boyfriend sounds like a narcissist. If you feel like you never get your point across, and he always gets his point across - that's not fair. People make mistakes, but they are NOT always wrong. I was in a relationship where I had to remind myself because my ex did the same thing - berated me about minute issues until I cried just so that he could be right. You are NOT always wrong.
This is a bad foundation for a relationship.
ps: Changing any person, not just a man, is next to impossible.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (6 July 2006):
Where you see 'miscommunication', I see control issues.
What stands out for me is that he becomes 'defensive' and 'ridicules' you until you're 'in tears', for goodness' sake! Only then does he become 'the nicest guy'.
That's not a matter of you not expressing yourself well. It's a form of verbal and emotional abuse, aimed at demonstrating that he wields the Power in your relationship, and I'm sorry to say, that's not healthy for either of you.
When he becomes 'the nicest guy' again, he's actually happy to have made you cry and that he's knocked you down a peg, because at some emotional level, he's afraid of you, and ridiculing you is the way to shut down his own fear.
Has he always been like this, or is this a new development? If he's been doing this to you for 18 months with no remorse, or attempt to change, then I'd say either get used to this, or -- better yet -- run. Being with someone like this, who thinks it's OK, will crush your spirit faster than a steamroller would.
If it's something that's only happened in the recent past, then possibly there's some aspect of your relationship that's making him insecure, such as a recent qualification you've attained, or a success you've had that he feels he couldn't match. Or something else that you've done that's made him feel unequal to you.
Whatever the reason, it's plain as day that he's intimidated and he's trying to hurt you to assuage his own insecurities.
If you take away anything from my observation, let it be this one fact: it's not anything you're doing or not doing. He's afraid you're smarter than he is and he won't stop this until he deals with his fear.
If it were me, I'd be going to speak to a third party (couples' counsellor) to discuss his fears and his inability to communicate those fears, and I'd go either with him, or without him. If he goes with you, it's a sign he recognises a problem that he wants to solve. If you go alone, you can decide whether he even cares about this issue and whether he cares much about anything outside his own ego.
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