A
female
age
41-50,
*1w
writes:Hi there, This is the first time I am asking for help with the sex problem. I would really appreciate your help guys and girls.My boyfriend and I have been together for about couple of month but we have been friends for a year before that. We are great in bed except one thing. He doesn't want to go down on me, which is okay. I did understand and didn't want to push that on him. It didn't bother me as much. But what I noticed since is that he doesn't even like to touch my vagina with his hands. He wants me to open the lips and he just wants to push his penis without touching me. But what is weird, before and after we do anything (or even when we just not in bed) he loves to touch my down there (lips closed) and everywhere else. So I asked him about that, he says that he doesn't like the fact that after he opens vagina lips he has to clean his fingers from my juice. I got offended, we had a fight. But after a while I did calm down since I realize that it is gonna be the slow process. He is willing to try now, but now I can't even think letting him down there. And I never had that problem before. I love oral sex, giving and receiving. So I am a little confused what to do. Because I don't believe that even if he tries he is gonna like it. I guess my question is -what should we do to resolve this problem? Because I don't like to be mad with him. But also I don't want to feel shame and limitations in my sex life either. If you understood at least something from my outcry I will be so very happy for your help! Thank you.
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oral sex, sex life, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Deepandit  +, writes (29 March 2019):
First of all you need to understand and accept following things:
1. You can't control sex hormonal functioning and your internal system and if you tend to do so, it will affect you emotionally and physically in a negative way.
2. What your heart soul and body needs ?
Love (emotional and sexual) and not mechanic process of love making.
3. Everytime when you are getting controlled by your bf in lovemaking who leaves you dissatisfied at the end but satisfies himself....may be you haven't realized but eventually you are knowingly killing yourself.
4.what you are expecting is not abnormal ..mind it pls..it is not over expectation .you love him truely thatsy you are being patient , understanding and compromising but why doesn't he talk about it or resolves it for the sake of his love?
5. These things can't be programmed ...it happens and should come out naturally rather than programming your mind.
6. And if it's not happening naturally you should not try programme it or try to get used to of it by counselling and all.
7. Couples with sex drive of equal frequency remain happy there can be little bit difference but too much of difference in sex desire or way of making out leads to disaster.
8. Pls mind it if a person feels to touch your lower part but something is stopping him and himself talks about it and says lets consult doctor or try to get it resolved ..then you should support that person but if the same person is refusing it ..pls come out of that relation at the earliest Otherwise one day you yourself will end up the relationship out of frustration,disappointments,dissatisfaction.
I would suggest end up this relation at a good note .take your time and find a good life partner but make sure you makes these things clear. And pls let true love approach you ....dont wander in search of it.
A
female
reader, 21w +, writes (12 September 2010):
21w is verified as being by the original poster of the question Update.
He doing so much better! And I am trying not to shut him down when he wants to try. I think it is working.
He didn't have a good experience with oral. He did is once and the girl smelled very strongly. He pointed that I don't have the bad scent. So I guess it was more about the hygiene thing and the previous experience.
It is so important to TALK about the problem and being open and calm about it.
THANK YOU EVERYBODY!
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A
female
reader, 21w +, writes (30 August 2010):
21w is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe author of the question is here. )
Thank you guys a lot!!! I am taking into close consideration everything you guys advised me. Simply because I didn't know where to start.
I am very comfortable and happy with him. He is trying to make me happy and I know that he is succeeding. This problem is the only thing so far that we couldn't resolve by just talking about it. And he was the one suggesting that we should talk about problem when it appears and work on the relationship because he really wants to be with me.
@Beingblack thank you for your reply! I would never push my body toward his face knowing that he doesn't want to do it. But the problem now is that I can't really relax about it and give it a try with him. But I am going to work on that.
Thank you all so much! If anybody wants to add something-please do so! I will be thankful to any help.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 Sex is such a personal subject for each of us that sometimes we lose perception of what great sex really is. There are questions here where men complain about women not giving blow jobs, or swallowing, not giving in to anal, and for having the sheer temerity to have had sex in the past before they even knew those men. The more usual female questions involve being made to give head, forced into anal, quizzed about their sexual pasts, porn, and not receiving oral sex.
Is great sex where two people give voluntarily, receive everything they could dream of, and come together with fireworks and stars, accompanied by Handels Messiah in the background? I'm sure some people experience such sexual bliss, but in the real world it takes time, and quite a lot of hard work, practice, and communication.
He refuses to touch your vagina, or even part your lips, and YOU feel ashamed? There is no need for you to feel ashamed. You both need to have a casual chat about the why. He has an issue, and you would like to help him to resolve it, in order to receive a certain sexual acitivity. Theres nothing at all wrong with that. But please remember, you ultimately want him to go down on you, and he has to enjoy it. You want him to, but he doesnt HAVE to, and this is something you should also bear in mind. At this moment, every time you have sex, he knows you want him to go down on you, and he will wonder if you are going to ask, move your body towards his face, or maybe even push his head down. This could become a massive issue that could lead to all sorts of problems.
So ask him, in casual surroundings outside of the bedroom, if he can see a time and conditions in the future where he will happily and lovingly perform oral sex. Then it may take a while, but at least you will both have the same target to work towards. Small steps will get you there. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): Hi there.
I can understand your problem, I am in similar predicament. Where once he said he didn't enjoy going down on me, and also he seemed really not keen when I did ask.
It upset me and affected me much the same as you.
Then I was honest, and he was honest and said it was purely because he wanted me to shave down there and do more of that type thing, and after he was keen to. But it took a long time to trust him because I would want to push him away cause I felt like I didn't know if he was actually serious, I just kept thinking about before. Now I see we just need to communicate, and he has shown me he is a very giving lover and does care. You need to talk serious with this guy because if he doesn't care about you and doesn't care he is bringing your confidence down, then you need to get out fast.
You deserve better!
Good luck
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A
male
reader, JohnisBlind +, writes (30 August 2010):
He sounds like he has some hang ups with sex or he is not attracted to you. Maybe he has issues. Perhaps you should see a sex therapist together as a way to get to the bottom of whatever it is that makes it so uncomfortable with him touching you. He may have some feelings of concern over cleanliness, if that is the case there may be hygiene products you can use to help him overcome that feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): Surprisingly many men have a problem with different textures and often cant handle the though of it. But if you are feeling shame in something that is every natural and every pleasurable to you then my best advice is to ask your self " how much guilt or shame can i put up with in this relationship " when you reach a point were you feel that it is overwhelming then excuse your self from the relationship gracefully
best of luck
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