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male
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*yneside-uk
writes: Hi There,My name is Michael,I'm Gay and 34 years old. For three years I've been in a relationship with a wonderful Guy about 4 years older than me but now we're in trouble.When I first met my Partner I was quite happy and go lucky however about 15 months ago everything changed when I had a lot of personal stresses in my life unrelated to the relationship. Over the 15 months I have become very depressed, easily stressed and irritable, untidy and generally lost my personal get up and go when things that I should be doing would get put off day after day.Up until a couple of weeks ago my Partner was as supportive as possible and promised to stand by me and try to help me through it - BUT then about three weeks ago he dropped a bomb shell by telling me that his feelings had changed and he no longer wished us to be a couple but still wanted us to be friends.We have had several very long, in depth and heavy conversations since the split so that I could try and work out in my own mind where I stood. I'm sort of clear and we're currently seeing each other soley as friends working towards perhaps becoming 'Special Friends' over time. In our last conversation we agreed that we could both see other people as mates and if we wanted to have some fun with someone else then that would be OK but neither of us wanted to know if the other had done so.With regard to my personal stress and lack of confidence issues I have taken action to try and resolve them. Currently I am seeing a councellor through my work and I've also employed a Life Coach to work on my confidence and social skills which even after only one session seems to be helping.....My ex and I have done a number of things together since our split like visiting museums and going swimming. Sometimes when I see him it seems as though there is nothing wrong and we're still together but at other times he seems distant and quiet.While I appreciate that we have a past and history can't be changed - I still love him dearly and would like to be able to get to a point where we can get back together. We've hyperthetically discussed sex coming back in to the equasion and he tells me that he is unsure if he would like that to happen or not.I'm really confused and scared. I have this almighty fear that he will meet someone else and I'll never see him again - he tells me that he's not interested in meeting another boyfriend but if he's meeting other people for fun the thought terrifies me :-(We're going on holiday together in June which has been booked since our split which suggests to me that if he still wants to be friends and go on holidays etc he must still have feelings for me. Also last night I was at his house and while we were watching TV I was sitting on the floor massaging his feet which he told me that he enjoyed......My ex has always had a thing about calling each other Boyfriends; it strikes me from our recent conversations that what he really wants is to have a relationship with someone but not the commitment - our final definition of a Special Friend is this: "A special Friend is a Boyfriend in all but name".The concept of Special Friend is generally OK with me; I'm quite prepared to sacrifice calling him my Boyfriend and constantly telling him that I love him if it means that we can have a life together. In a sense the direction we appear to be heading in is that of an open relationship - we both have our seperate lives as well as our life together.Please, please, please any help or vadvice that you can offer would be much appreciated. I would like to be able to put all of this behind us and get back to the security of having a partner (regardless of the title we use).Am I doing the right thing in continuing to stick with it and win his heart back?How can I try to encourage the sex aspect back in to our relationship? I know that it's going to take a lot of work - I really feel that I'm putting the effort in to resolve my issues and return to how I once was if not be a far better person even than that.Than you in advance,Michael
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (3 April 2006):
 Michael, sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a very nice and caring person and I can tell you care deeply for this guy. I am also pleased to hear that you are getting some help to assist you through your stresses and personal ups and downs. That is good to hear and will help you get through the personal issues you are experiencing.
Friendships where one person harbours the desire to get back together are always dangerous. Especially when sex is in the equation. We try and use sex to get what we want, which is the relationship, in these types of situations.
I guess we hope that we can get things to basically like they were prior to the break up but without the problems that were there.
From your post, you say that your partner said his feelings had changed and he wanted to be friends instead of more. Has he ever explained why and when these feelings changed?
The fact is if your friend's feelings have genuinely changed, perhaps you need to accept that he is not the one for you and trying to spark up a physical relationship is not going to change those feelings.
I know it is really hard but my concern is that if things basically carry on like you are in a relationship but his heart and soul are not in the relationship, you will just get hurt in the long term. Believe me, I've been there with an ex boyfriend of mine. I continued to sleep with him and hang out with him even after he told me that his feelings had changed. I felt scared and desperate and now when I look back, I feel silly and cheap for allowing that to happen when I just should have told him that I still cared about him but if he didn't love me, there was no point in continuing this on.
I know you love him and the idea of him seeing someone else is terrifying but I think unless he is ready and willing to make another go of it , I think you need to cut back the time with him until your feelings have calmed down and you have moved on.
I know you say you can sacrifice love for the sake of being with him but I think everyone deserves to be with the person they love and who loves them more than anybody else in the world and I think you deserve that too.
My instinct on this one is there is someone else who will love you more and I think you need to get out and find him. Rather than hanging onto something which is over.
Good luck. Take care of yourself.
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