A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this girl for the past few weeks, not long I know but I like her so much and the more I get to know her, I'm sure of it already I want to be with her as my girlfriend. But last night I was left crushed at what she told me, that I'm devastated now and unsure of what to do.She told me last night that she can't carry on dating me anymore, that earlier this year she was hurt really badly and it affected her so much, that it ruined her emotionally. And since then she's found it hard to let herself develop any feelings for someone else, or get close to someone without that fear of getting hurt again. But she thought she could with me, because she developed feelings for me, but now the more she feels us growing close the feelings are getting stronger and so is her fear, which is stopping her and is only getting worse the more we date.I told her I promise I would never hurt her and that I wouldn't want to! But she just said that I can't promise that, that she never thought he would but he still did and she doesn't want to risk feeling like that all over again, because she can't handle going through that just yet. She said that she knows it's not fair to compare me to him. But that when someone hurts you and makes you feel like that, it's hard not to and that it'd be more unfair of her to carry on dating me whilst she's still emotionally unavailable.I really tried everything to make her see I wouldn't hurt her and that the only way to get rid of this fear is to confront it and push past it. But I feel like she's built her walls so high so doesn't want to let anybody in. It's just really hard because she had tears in her eyes when she was telling me and I could see and hear how much she wanted to be with me and how frustrating it was that she couldn't let herself do that. I just want to know what I can do? I like her so much and I want to make her see that it'll be okay and make her take down those walls and get rid of that fear. She is the nicest girl I've met and she hasn't got a bad bone in her body, she's so caring and sweet that it angers me someone could be so cruel to hurt her like he did and in the reckless and selfish way she told me. He really has ruined this girl emotionally. What can I do please I don't want to not be with her, why wont she let me in! Any advice would be helpful?
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female
reader, Aemita  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 All the other posters are right. She knows what's best for HER. As much as you like to help her and to be near her/protect her.. it's not your battle, it's not your "fight" for independence, it's HERs. She really needs space and a lot of time to sort things out. It's only natural. That doesn't mean she won't be able to have a healthy relationship in the future, key word.. FUTURE. Whether you like it or not, the best thing you could do, is simply give her some space. That is, get off the "romantic train" and jump on the "friendship one"... at the best! That's the best advice i can give you, sweetie. Take care, T. ^_~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2013): she was right to ends thing, because she is broken and it wouldn't be fair her to come to you like that is very unhealthy for both of y'all. give her time just be her friend and give all the support she needs because it will be hard for right now.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 She did the right thing ending it, she obviously needs time to sort things out herself. She does not need you to rescue her. The only way she will truly feel secure is to believe in herself. When she is ready to date you two can get together, please leave the poor girl to sort things out herself.
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A
male
reader, uniqueman  +, writes (21 April 2013):
Walk away.I was in your situation. I did not understand that she needed (plenty of) time to heal. I tried to "help her" through the healing process. I tried to "take her hand and walk her safely out of her demise, which was created by this douche who ruined her". I did not understand that she needed "time and space" to heal on her own, find her own closure, without pressure. It took several months. Meanwhile, my relationship with her likely brought a mix of pressure and guilt upon her and certainly obstructed her healing process. I was told (by a dear friend) to let her go, and walk away before I hurt myself. I did not listen.Selfless or selfish? I don't think there's a good answer here. But if she told you she wants out, then you should let go. The world is full of sweet girls (and boys).
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (21 April 2013):
 You sound like a good guy and it's a shame that she feels so damaged that she doesn't want to try again. I can understand her in a way. After several really bad dating experiences I met a wonderful guy. I was reluctant to try again but he managed to convince me. He brought down my defences and I liked him so much. Then something major happened in his life and he left me. What happened wasn't his fault, but he hurt me more than any of the other guys because he'd promised me he wouldn't hurt me and he did. I now have fortified walls, teen feet high, around my heart. I feel like I can't go through that again so I don't give people a chance.You can't predict what will happen in the future. Don't promise that you won't hurt her because you might. You need to back off a little and give her time and space, and show her that you are someone she can trust fully. If she wants to be with you, she will realise it and come to you. Be a friend first and foremost, it sounds like she needs that more than anything.
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