A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I have stayed over at boyfriends place before, when his two kids of 9 and 7 were visiting as well. (They live with their mum.) There were no real problems. He had some time off to look after them when they had a couple of days off school as well, and he said he also wanted to spend time with me and as we live some distance apart I said he could come with the kids, although I would still have to work. When I got home on the first night my spare room furniture was completely rearranged, beds moved everything. When I asked why he said the kids wanted it like that. We argued, he says I'm unreasonable, and they could put it back when they left, but I didn't feel he got my point. They were guests, shouldn't they leave things as they are? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): I think the Aunts that are bringing up the issue of 'respect' are looking at this issue very one sided.If you actually think about the situation from what is most likely the man's point of view (that you have kids that you only see now and then, in a strange place, you're trying to get them to feel settled and comfortable so their happy, you don't want to say no to them, because you have 'single parent's guilt') you'd realise that lack of respect for the OP doesn't even come into it. From his POV, it was an innocent and temporary way to make his kids feel at home. I think it's a shame the amount of arguments caused in a relationship because of the lack of understanding, if you listened with open ears rather than defensive ones and stopped taking everything so personally, and concentrate on what the other person is actually thinking rather than how it's affecting you, there might be fewer arguments.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 @ Serpico: that may be true, at least to some extent, but what's this got to do with basic manners and respect for other people's belongings ?
I have a son, and I guess ,all in all, is true that he was and is my emotional investment no.1 , before my partners . Nevertheless, I have never encouraged him or allowed him to treat other people's stuff - houses, furniture, vehicles, etc.- as he damn pleased- (unless expressely invited to do so ). It never crossed my mind , or his either ,as for that. If though it had crossed his mind, I'd have put a stop to it, there and then.
MOST kids ( after the OP's post, I won't say all ) are taught, and can understand, already at a very early age, they can't just take or move or touch everything which strikes their fancy. For their own protection at first - they learn they can't touch dad's electric razor or mom's kitchen appliances etc.- and then, as a normal, regular process of socialization.
Putting your kids emotionally first does not have to mean, or to include, giving them the run of other people's houses. In fact, normally it does not. So , while I agree that when you date a parent, it's a package deal- it does not mean that the people forming the package can act rude,overbearing or entitled, just because they are three rather than one. Or that the same rules of courtesy ,respect and common sense do not apply to " packages " same as to single individuals.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (6 February 2013):
Add up the number of children he has. Now add one to it. At best, that is the place in his life that you will always have. If that is not absolutely fine with you, dont date someone with children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): I can see your point he could have rang and asked you first. But i expect that he diddn't see it as a problem because he was going to put it back for you. So you should just talk to him about it and try and work it out.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (6 February 2013):
Yes he should have asked first. Sounds like he has bratty, spoilt children. Are you sure you want this? I would be annoyed if they starting moving furniture around in MY house, it is rude and your boyfriend is disrespectful for allowing it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): I can see where you're coming from, but I think you're making a problem where none exists.
Yes, it was rude that your boyfriend moved the furniture without asking, but you only had to say 'I'd rather you checked with me next time'. Instead of that you had an argument about it and that will cause resentment on both sides.
From his perspective, he's got his kids staying with him at his girlfriend's house. You don't say how long you've been together or how often you've met his kids, but that's a big deal for him AND the kids. If it's the first time they've stayed at your place, it's going to feel very weird for them. They're young and don't really know you. They're sleeping somewhere new.
I can understand that if they were unhappy in the room (maybe at home they have separate rooms or the beds are together/apart), I can't blame their dad for trying to make things right. He doesn't see it as a big deal, he's just trying to keep everyone happy. In return his girlfriend argues with him about it, hopefully you waited until the kids had gone back to their mums. In his eyes, nothing that he's done can't be undone really easily (just move the furniture back), so he can't understand why you're making such a big deal of it.
If you're going to see a man with kids then you will have to accept that they come first. Sometimes the things he does to make them happy will unintentionally make you unhappy, you have to decide if you are willing to take that.
Other posters say it's a question of boundries, but the thing is everybody has different boundries. Yes, nobody should blow their nose on your shirt, but can they use your toilet, eat your food, drink your water or move the guest beds in the spare room without permission. He'll know for next time, but I still think your making mountains out of molehills.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 February 2013):
@ Chigirl, well, sure, put in these terms it's hard to contraddict you, - it's surely better to have a good relationship with a good guy who moves your furniture around than a bad relationship with a bad guy who does not touch anything.
Nevertheless, here's a thought, that maybe it's only marginally related to this OP's issue, and yet still it is somehow.
All we Aunts ( including me ! ) always repeat : " Say what you want. Declare your boundaries. Explain. People aren't mind readers. They cannot know what constitutes a big deal, or a problem for you. Because maybe that's not a big problem in their house, so how are they supposed to know it is for you ".
BUT : surely there must be some sort of minimal common denominator in this kind of stuff ?? Or do we have to state the obvious every time ?
I mean, I am sure, 100% positive, Chigirl, that I would not need to tell you not to blow your nose on my shirt's sleeve. I don't need to explain you how and why it is inappropriate for you to blow your nose on my sleeve, even if you have a really stuffy nose, and that you MUST use your own tissue or hankie, right ?
So, how come is it such a strange idea that you are not supposed to rearrange your host 's furniture without asking them first ? It's a very basic concept, of MINE and YOURS. MINE, I do what I want with it, YOURS , I have to ask you first, unless expressely invited to just go ahead and do what I want.
I also honestly do not understand the idea that they wanted to make themselves at home , or that by now they are family, sort of. Why, when you go visiting your brother or sister - who more family than them ? - do you proceed to rearrange their furniture, or the contents of their drawers, to your liking ,- without even warning them first ?.... I don't think so, so far I've never met anybody who would take so LITERALLY the meaning of " Mi casa es su casa ..."
So, to me, and I guess to the OP, the point is totally not, that they did not break anything, or did not cause any permanent damage - the point is that they weren't even supposed to come up with such an idea, same as they would not come up with the idea of blowing their noses in the OP's shirt. Ergo, it's not such an irrelevant ,silly , little trifle, and the OP is not unreasonable to have taken umbrage at it.
That then, for the sake of getting along, and maintaining the peace in the couple or in the family, some times we may have to swallow willy-nilly ,not only little things, but also medium, big , or even huge ones, ah well, that's all another story....
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 February 2013):
 i get exactly where you're coming from. it's not the actual moving of the furniture that bothers you, rather it's the basic principle of respect. i agree with cindycares. sometimes it's small little things that really make you question if someone is right for you. and in an instance like this, i would really start to question his respect for me and if we were really, truly compatible.
for me, personally, i would never, ever, EVER dream of letting my (hypothetical) children move my partners stuff around without asking first. in fact, i'd probably not even allow them to ask. it's just basic respect. so if i were with someone who let their kids move my stuff without at least asking me first, i'd be really questing if we were right for each other. it just seems like a lack of respect.
as i said, this has NOTHING to do with the furniture placement at all. i'm not OCD or a neat freak by any means. i'm an extremely chill and laid back person. but i always go out of my way to treat everyone with the utmost respect. so i have high standards and expectations of the same respect being given back to me in return. and that's just not good manners on his part.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Yes, your boyfriend probably should have asked you first, but is moving furniture around in a spare room such a big deal? Maybe if they're going to come round regularly you might consider leaving it they way they like it? It would make you a good host :-)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Hmm, guess the OP needs to decide what's more important to her, keeping the peace in the relationship, or keeping her furniture in their firm place. Guess that depends on how much this man means to her and how much she wants him to be part of her life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 February 2013):
@Chigirl -perhaps yes, such an argument would cause more trouble. The focus of my answer was just on the OP's main question : They were guests, surely they should have left it alone ? To which, IMO the answer is : You bet that they should have left it alone !
I did not concentrate on how to mend the rift or smooth the ruffled feathers, maybe because, honestly, the way I am, such an episode would have seriously dampened my enthusiasm for this partner, and made me really wonder if we are compatible, seen we have so widely different ideas about respect of personal boundaries .. and about child rearing.
But of course I am not the OP, I don't know the guy, and possibly, other than this episode , he's the perfect guy for her , and she looks forward to make a family with him ,kids included ( good luck with that , OP ! it sounds like you'd have your work cut out for you ). In this case, she can still apply part 2 of your plan, or advice, smile, and say," OK, fine, my stuff is back in its place so everything is cool, AND please do not forget that if the kids want to take or move my stuff, they need to ask me first ".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Yes had the dad said NO it would be a non issue... I do get that...
but:
he only sees the kids with visitation....so he probably did not want to say no on something that was not life threatening.... (i remember letting my kids eat pizza for breakfast... it had nutrition and it was not worth a battle to make them eat what I WANTED them to eat)
in addition, I think that the fact that they were staying in the home of dad's significant other had a lot of bearing on their decision... it helps them feel more a part of the household.....
so she could ASK him... 'why did you think it was ok to let them do this?"
his answer would be interesting and probably shed light on the activity for him as well as the OP.... I"m betting it was a comfort level thing for the kids and he instinctively knew this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 February 2013):
@ Cindy, wouldn't such an argument just create MORE trouble? I mean you'd basically be telling him he's not going a good job raising his children. And that, I believe, ranks on the top of worst things you can tell a parent. If the OP disagrees with the way he raises his kids I think she'd be better off ending the relationship, because no good can come out of entering such a debate. And there's no way she'd win either, as she's not the mother of these children.
Just to give the OP a fair warning, if you go off at your boyfriend about the way he raises his children I think you can say bye-bye to the relationship. It's not going to go down well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 February 2013):
Yes, but it isn't the kids' fault, it's the dad's. I know well that when you've got kids you've got to be flexible ,don't sweat the small stuff and don't waste time in pointless arguments , but, it's not small stuff and there was NO room for any argument here, it would have been nipped in the bud if this dad had simply and firmly stated this very basic concept : no, we can't move around other people's belongings without the owner's permission. NEVER. End of. These kids are 7 and 9, young but not toddlers, they are perfectly capable to grasp such a simple concept like respect for other people's personal property. Why, if they feel like ,say, taking their neighbour's sport car for a ride , will their dad just pinch the car for a joyride, with the excuse that eventually he 'll put it back where he found it ?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 February 2013):
"They were guests, shouldn't they leave things as they are?"
Your house isn't a hotel-room, and even there you can still move the furniture around without meaning the staff will scream and yell at you.
It's just furniture in a spare room. You can move it back afterwards. Who cares, really? You felt he didn't get your point, well I don't get your point either. You invited them in, you got to learn to loosen up. When other people enter your life they will do things you normally wouldn't, but that will be normal to them. Just because you're not used to it doesn't mean they've crossed a line, or were rude etc. It just means you didn't think they'd rearrange the furniture, and they didn't think it'd be a problem if they did.
The real question is, rather than argue about it and have a fight over it, why didn't you just say "oh, so you moved the furniture? Next time I'd appreciate it if you didn't, or if you could ask me first. I don't like coming home to surprises like this, living on my own I'm quite used to thinks being the way I left them."
And then he'd say "Sure, no problem. I'll check in with you first next time. I'll move everything back when the kids have left".
And you'd say "Thank you". Then smile, kiss and hug, and that'd be the end of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 February 2013):
THEY are the children of your boyfriend… if they wanted to move things around it was because they felt comfortable doing so and were trying to feel like it was more “a family” IF he is your boyfriend and you are serious enough that his kids are involved enough to stay at your home, you need to lighten up about it.
With kids of 9 and 7 I’m going to assume your bf is a few years or more older than you and you do not have kids of your own. Your WISE BF is right… you can put it back after they leave.
They are just trying to feel comfortable in a strange home.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I personally would have gone bonkers but I asked my 17 year old the question and he said just to chill! I think it depends if you hold store by your belongings and furniture and don't want your home messed with. I think it was incredibly disrespectful to move your furniture without asking you but I suppose in the scheme of things as long as your boyfriend puts it all back and creates no work for you then it is easily fixed. I would make it clear though that I did not want things moved the next time they came round.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 Yes they probably should have just left it how it was, after all it is your house and they dont really have the right to be re-arranging furniture.
However they are just kids, and for the sake of an easy life it was probably easier for your boyfriend just to move the furniture. If they were getting stroppy about the furniture I can understand why your boyfriend did it, this is where they would be sleeping and he wouldnt have been able to see you much if they were up all night trying to re-arrange the furniture themselves, or upset about it.
I think you should just let it go, as he said you can easily move it back after they left. These are young kids we are talking about, away from home and in an unfamiliar place. If it were grown children (i.e. over the age of 16) then it would be different, they should have better manners. But because they are young it will have been easier for your boyfriend to move the furniture than to argue with them and have them up all night because of it.
You need to learn when you are with someone who has young kids you need to let stuff go, there is no point in arguing about petty things like this when the solution was an easy one - move the furniture back after they had gone. If they had drawn all over the walls that would have been a different matter, but this was just a temporary issue that was easily resolved.
Dont sweat the small stuff, and dont pick fights for the sake of it otherwise you are going to lose your boyfriend. Learn to be more understanding and only get upset when there is a really valid reason to do so.
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