A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long and I apologize, but I do need some help.My boyfriend and I have been together since I was a junior and he was a senior in high school. I'm now a junior in college and he's a senior in college (we go to the same university); so we have been together for four years exactly seven days ago. We are definitely not each other's first boyfriend and girlfriend but we are each other's first love. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE: family, friends, even some strangers) think we are the quintessential "perfect couple".He's the computer geek and I'm the bookworm. He excels in Math and Science while I excel in English and History. A lot of his friends have even told me a few years ago (when we were about six months into our relationship) that they would've voted my boyfriend and I "Most Likely to Get Married" in their senior yearbook if I was a senior along with them.It's true that my boyfriend and I harbor so much respect and dignity and love for each other that it is impossible to see myself growing old with another man. I'm so completely enamored with him that I honestly have no idea what I would do without him in my life... I've told him this and he always says the feeling is completely and utterly mutual. I know I'm going to marry him and I know we're going to have three children like we've planned. I know that he is the one that I will travel with, build a dream and a home with, spoil grandkids with, and just grow old with.The problem is: he proposed too soon.I'm in love with my boyfriend and it's quite obvious he feels the same about me. But exactly seven days ago, on our four year anniversary, we went to the place that we had our first date at (which was at a McDonald's haha... but that really doesn't matter to me). Anyways, he got down on one knee after we had our hot fudge sundaes (no nuts) and said, "(My name), I love you so very much. Please make me the happiest man in the world and marry me."He then opened the little, red, velvet box and in that box was the most amazing ring I had ever laid eyes on. We're both from pretty big Irish families with Irish traditions, so I wanted a traditional engagement ring and he picked the perfect one: an emerald in the shape of an oval, the band is silver.At first, I was just shocked and happy and everything else you feel when the man (or woman) you love proposes... but I couldn't say yes just, yet. And that's where the dilemma really comes up. I'm just not ready to get married yet. I mean, I know it's going to be him. But I'm not ready to say yes just yet. All I could do was say, "Can we talk about this later?" I knew he was completely crushed then and believe me, I did NOT want to do that to him, but then later on, I told him that I will say yes to him, just not for another year. I told him I wanted to wait until I at least get my Bachelor's.One of the many things that are so great about him is that he was understanding about it. He said, "That makes sense. Education is always extremely important. Remind me to emphasize that to our kids." I smiled and was glad we didn't end up making things awkward or messed up between each other but now I'm starting to feel guilty about my answer. I know he loves me and understands and everything else, but I'm kind of wondering if I am, in fact, ready now? Or if I should just wait out the year?He and I started seriously talking about marriage two and a half years into our relationship when we got past the major obstacle of "what's going to happen when he goes off to college an entire year before me?" We've also definitely had our up's and down's over the course of the past four years but we have gotten through every single one of them without a single break-up. We've never even done the "we're on a break" bit. It's also been us. Him and I. And it always be that way.But what do I do about this guilt when it comes to my answer?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (26 March 2009):
It is good that you didn't say yes, that you trusted yourself that you are not ready despite being in love with him. It shows that you trust yourself and can be honest with yourself and him, which is something you want in a relationship. This is something he should want from you.
However, you would have left him feeling crushed, disappointed and wondering if you really mean it, or if you are maybe not sure, despite the fact that you do love him.
Are you sure?
You need to be very clear in yourself what made you hesitate. Was it really that it was too soon? You could have told him yes, that you will marry him, just not now. Or you could have gotten engaged and only married next year, or in two years, or in five. But your response was "no, lets see when I have my degree" basically. What if a year goes by and you still don't feel ready?
Your writing seems to indicate that you probably are sure, that you probably do love him and that it's just not the right time. If that is the case, I would say that you should do a little more to let him know that you love him and do want to marry him. Its good that you said to him that you will say yes to him, just not for another year, but that might have taken place in the context of releasing the awkwardness of the situation, and might not have made him feel better deep down inside.
I would have another conversation with him when he hasn't brought up the topic, when you bring it up to say three things
1. That you love him, and you intend to marry him when the time is right.
2. That you are sorry for how crushed he must have felt. Not sorry for speaking your truth, but sorry that he must have felt really disappointed and hurt. Tell him you feel guilty for that, if that is how you feel, but that you intend to make it up to him by marrying him when the time is right. That will help him get over it.
3. Ask him how he feels about it. Ask him how he felt at the time, how he feels now, if he feels secure knowing that you will end up married, and that you are serious about it. If he can tell you how he feels, it will help him process the experience and help you stay close.
On the other hand, if you feel like part of you is not sure, you need to start looking at that part, and what it means.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (26 March 2009):
 Your gut instinct is that he proposed too soon and you aren't ready to make that huge commitment just yet, and I say follow that. Don't feel guilty! He is understanding and isn't going anywhere, why rush things? You two are in love, that should be enough for now. You could have a long engagement.. Be engaged and not marry him until you graduate? But that's almost like being married anyway.
4 years is a long time, yes, but being in college is a big difference from being graduated and in "the real world." Young love has the potential to clear all hurdles, but I would feel uncomfortable approaching the rest of your life so soon, too.
Good luck with your decision XX
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