A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with my boyfriend for the last 3.5 yrs. 2 yrs ago he proposed. Even thought it wasnt the most romantic proposal, it felt like the world to me. It was my own fairytale. He was my first love, high school sweetheart that guy that u break up over a stupid thing and ended up separate ways. We got reunited 20 yrs later and we have been inseparable since then. From the minute we saw each other he said he would marry me even if I were to be 60 and he 61. We dated for some months, introduced our families (my kids). have shared some of our greatest time together and with living togetehr some good and bad days have come along the way. We love each other and eventually come out of all issues wanting to be with each other. Despite him telling me he will marry me on our first date, second time around, we never talked about marriage or anything like that. I wasn't looking for rings wedding or anything related so his proposal was really a big surprise. His family got super excited and we started discussing wedding plans and arrangements. We were happy and this created a further bonding or happiness, 3 months after proposal we had a big fight and I gave him rings back. I sense we would be marrying for the wrong reasons and didn't want that, eventually all went back to normal and he gave me rings again. It has been two years since then and we dont talk at all about the wedding in any way. I already started feeling peer pressure. Every time we had anyone asking, he would say soon, and hold my hand in comfort and when I asked him privately he would say he meant it. Last night we got Asked again at family dinner only this time, his answer wasnt same as before. According to him, word by word, he has failed so many times before that he is actually taking his time now. He wants to do it right, when moment comes if the moment comes. Since then i have a knot on my throat and can't help but to cry. There were no emotions or comforting this time, just that. If idea was to shut ppl, we all got the message including me. Since I have been miserable I had to confront him and we just discussed it. It doesnt matter to him how I feel or the pressure I have had for all this time. His only reply is that I am taking things too deep and he will no marry when I want but when he feels it is good time but we cant never talk about it. It looks to me he got cold feet and he is not sure and the only reason he has given me a ring is not to even shut me but to show that I am off market. Not that I want to look or anything cause there is no way I can recover from this if all goes to hell but whats the point of proposing if there is no intentions or plans to get married. I want to move forward, we have been living together almost 4 now and we have plans for us but none that involves formalizing relationship to that extend and I dont even know what we are anymore. We aren't exactly boyfriend girlfriend cause we live together, we live together but we arent married, we are engaged but dont have date.. i am so confused right now that the only thing I want is to take whole wedding questioning/concerns out of the equation and as beautiful and fairytale it might sound at the beginning the idea it feels like hell on the loose right. I just gave him back his rings with no intentions to get it again. I dont want to be part of that anymore, I still love him with all my heart and still want all that blissful but I am not sure how it will all hold up after this now. I dont want rings reminding me of an engagement or wedding that we can even talk as adults and/or that it might never happen to keep hurting relationships further. Am I wrong or am I really stressed about all that I am missing it all together?! To make things worse every couple near us that has engaged way way after us, has either tied the knot already or will be doing so very shortly.. so technically we were the envy of every other couple and now all have shifted. I dont want to walk the aisle when I am too old that I cant even enjoy our honeymoon.
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female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (6 January 2017):
So elegantly put honeypie I will only add
Give them back and put yourself right back on the market if he can't see what he's losing a second time round tell him more fool him and if he does come chapping on your door and he better hutry you should add if your available to marry maybe you'll consider it until then all bets are off !
Take care sweetie
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2017):
 He said...
"He wants to do it right, when the moment comes if the moment comes."
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I would give him back the ring and tell him that he SHOULD not have proposed if he didn't think marrying was the "right" thing to do WITH you. That WHEN he is ready for marriage, he CAN propose but that you will also presume that the RESULT will be a wedding within (let's say) a year.
Because it's NOT right to DANGLE marriage in front of you if he isn't SURE that is what he wants.
The ring means NOTHING in this case. Other than him having YOU outwardly "marked" as "taken" to other men.
If marriage IS important to you I'd tell him that. If it's a deal breaker (if he can't decide or doesn't REALLY want to marry) then THAT needs to be out in the open too.
If you don't CARE about a wedding, then again GIVE the ring back and tell him you aren't WITH him for that. BUT only if that is the case.
My guess is the whole "let's get married" was his way of hooking you. A guy who proposes on the first or even second date... I mean how serious is that, REALLY? And how much can you go by what he SAYS?
The old and true adage is, DOES his actions match his words?
In your case? no. At least when it comes to marriage.
HE is fine with the status quo. Of making SURE you don't go elsewhere because you think marriage is on the horizon, but you haven't told him to "shit or get off the pot" - to make GOOD of his words.
You are already living together, so in most ways, you are LIKE a married couple. You just didn't get a wedding.
While I get that you don't WANT to walk down the aisle in a walker when you are 80, what IS the hurry? Is it that you want to continue being the "envy" of other couples? Or is it to secure each other legally? Do you think the relationship will only last IF you are married? Or that it will be "perfect" IF you get married? You NEED to decide WHY marriage is so important to you and EXPLAIN that to him.
Seems like you are ON a different timeline that he is. And that needs to be talked about and maybe a compromise needs found.
With that said, I would NOT want to pressure a guy to marry me if he isn't CERTAIN it's right for him. It IS possible to have a GREAT family, a great relationship without a wedding. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel. However, they MAY be the exception to the rule.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 January 2017):
 Firstly, if this all fails (which it seems to be, sadly), you will get over it, if you let yourself.
Secondly, you shouldn't be having big fights. Yes, little arguments about random things, but not big arguments that can cause you to give back the ring.
Seek couples' counselling and figure out with a therapist if this relationship is salvageable.
Good luck!
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