A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering if anyone could shed some light in this for me . A guy was seeing went out of his was to make a point to me how beautiful his ex wife was. I have also noticed before that men seem to do this when on dates sometimes . They seem to want to say how gorgeous she was . I always thought it was a little unusual . One other notable date a guy mentioned that his ex was stunning and had legs to die for . I just smiled but admit I wondered why he mentioned that when I'm only 5 foot 1 lol So , guys or gals , why do men do this . Do they think this makes us women impressed or perhaps they don't really like our look and it's their way of scaring us off ? I have no idea . What do people think ? Is this guy code for something I'm missing
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): Thanks Honeypie , yea on each occasion this has happened the guy had been the one to ask me out . That's why I have found it so strange . I mean I guess I assumed they were interested in the first place but then this. I guess I'm trying to guage if this is typical malar behaviour and theyjust enjoy trying to make me feel bad or whether it's a big hint about me personally
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 If it seems to be a pattern, maybe you need to look into how you date and how you select whom you will meet up with and date. And WHERE you met these guy (as in maybe the dating site).
Switch it up.
Personally, I get why it makes you feel like they are actually putting you down when they mention physical attributes of past women that YOU do not possess. I think it's pretty tactless AND classless for a guy to point out that his EX had long long legs when he is sitting across from a shorter woman. What's the point of that, really? Other than to either "sell" himself as a: "I can get hot women kind of guy" or to make you feel that he "lowered" his standards to meet up with you.
Do these men contact YOU first on the dating site? If so, I say BE more picky. But there are still NO guarantees that you will be able to find men with better behavior.
Or maybe NEXT time you are in this situation, try and mention a hot ex... just to see the reaction. At least that I what I'd do. I'd have fun with it as I probably wouldn't date a guy who made me feel like he thought I wasn't up to standard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): This is the OP, thanks everyone . In relation to the guy who mentioned the ex with the long legs , yes I agree , I didn't get offended but I was perplexed as to what that was all about and why if legs were such a big deal he was interested in a shorty like me. If it were just one guy I guess I could put it down to him now beingOver his ex but like I mentioned , it seems to happen to me a lot. Perhaps they are trying to gently let me know that after getting to actually date me ('some have been online meet ups ) physically I'm not up to their usual standard . Would people say anything to this or just take the hint and leave it at the one date.It's quite disheartening as I can't recall ever feeling the need to mention my exes on a date and especially not whether they were hot or how much they earned etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2017):
In this case, I think it can be two-fold.
1. He thinks YOU will find him more attractive/charming because he had a "pretty" partner. So he actually USES that point to try and "sell" himself. "Look ma! I had a pretty GF!"
2. He perhaps isn't entirely over her and thus still sees her in a favorable light.
But it can also be that he bases a woman's value on her looks. Some people do. Our society does. His ex's "commercial value" was her long legs.
There might have been a lull in the conversation and he wanted to talk about something and the EX was the only subject he could think of? Again that can point to .... he isn't over her.
And of course you have the kind of men (women do it too) who likes to point out either flaws or strong points in an ex, so the NEW partner feels like they have to BE better or BE grateful for him dating the new one. They want the NEW partner to try and one-up the ex.
Some will talk a LOT of smack about an ex. To me, that IS a red flag. Same with someone who is still praising the ex to the moon and back.
Women have eyes too and the eternal excuse "men are visual creatures" doesn't mean that they can't think or be respectful and classy when taking a partner out for a meal.
All I would have said is GOOD for HER. (it is after all HER legs). And changed the subject. If it came back to this ex, again and again, I'd decide NOT to go on a date again with this guy.
But ONE mentioning of an ex or her legs would not make me feel bad in any way, shape or form. Several mentionings? Or someone going ON and ON about an ex... that seems like someone living in the past.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 January 2017):
A lot of guys or girls who bring up their ex, are not completely over them. They normally bring them up because they know they were the reason for the break up, and that knowledge is still fresh in their minds.
When they were with their ex, they did not pay attention to very things they are complimenting now. Ex had great legs, but he may have failed to see that at the time. Now that she is no longer around, all the these things surface. Talking to you or another woman, will take him down memory lane.
The old saying..."You never miss the water until the well runs dry." Then oh how much you wish you had what you lost.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 I think it is wise to steer clear of generalisations like this. If this is your experience then I think you need to widen your pool of friends and associates.
I think it is true that people behave in the way life has taught them to be; psychosis aside.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): When I started dating my ex he got tipsy one evening and started telling me all about some woman he had been talking to on a dating site before he started talking to me. He told me his friend really fancied her and told him he should have dated her.
She was extremely pretty and I knew she was a bit nicer looking than me but it was rude of him to tell me all this. He was showing off as if to say look what I can get, you're lucky that I picked you.
He wasn't trying to be mean to me or make me feel bad he was trying to tell me how much of a catch he thought he was. But it was mean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): A lot of men like to 'brag' and exaggerate. To look better and also to make us feel like he's worth someone beautiful (or worth you basically). Traditionally, women were measured by beauty than anything else. It's his version of our "I dated a doctor" or a successful business man. OR a candidate at an interview saying, " I used to earn 300,000 $ pa".
I'm talking specifically with regard to bragging about an ex. If he's commenting on other women (who are not his exes) or purposely stating things that you do not have (like height) he's probably trying to establish power in the relationship already by making you feel jealous or less confident.
Keep dating girl! Maybe you'll find someone who isn't as shallow and who is secure enough to not play these little mind games.
You can also have some witty lines up your sleeve that you can throw in when a guy says that. Like- "I see. Did she leave you or you left her? I don't think you'd have given up on someone THAT beautiful"
or "Okay. then I guess my CV will fall short. I have short legs" or "Aww. You should consider yourself lucky to have been with her" and this one if they showed you a picture of her- "OMG! How on earth did YOU manage to get her? She's out of your league". You could also say "To ME, looks of the guy don't matter that much. I mean I would totally date you!". If he's rich, then say "Was she with you only for the money?". "Did you date her only for her beauty/hotness?" "So tell me, on what basis do you like a girl other than her beauty?" "Okay. Tell me one thing. Imagine that we date and then I break up with you and become your ex gf. What would you tell your next date about me?"
For people like the one who commented on long legs, try and see if you can quickly see what HIS flaw is and tell your ex bf had it. like hair to a bald guy or muscles to a skinny guy or fitness to a fat guy or even money to a financially unstable guy.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (5 January 2017):
 men are very visual, but i consider it a bit rude to be bringing up other women on a date.
sounds like he may be stroking his EGO a bit.not so much to make you feel bad , but to make himself seem better.
kind of rude and inconsiderate if you ask me.
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