A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am currently married 5 moths this January, we where engaged for a year and dated a year and 1/2 prior to that. Well now I want a divorce!My husband is the man I married and he swore that after we got ,arrived things would change, but still 5 moths later he is still the overbearing husband who constantly accuses me of cheating. Ok given my past I would see reason to worry but we have been together all this time and it still hasn't changed. I thought definitely after I took his name and married him he would be more secure. We have 5 kids. I had two from a prior and so did he. Then we ended up having one together ages ranging oldest 9 youngest 2. He is the bread winner of our family. Even though I'm a stay at home mom I work hard to and he refuses to acknowledge that. I am very active in his 2 kids lives. He never has to meet or even speak with his ex about the children because I handle it all. I feel like I do so much and he feels I doing very little. He's quick to be little me and loves to tear me down emotionally. I work hard to keep our family together but I don't think I can handle much more. I feel like I walk on eggs shells daily. I wish I knew what to do. Is it selfish of me to walk away or should I be running for a lawyer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): HiI'm afraid your husband is abusive. To constantly accuse you of cheating is an abusive tactic. It is to firstly make you so worried about looking at other men, that you will only concentrate on him and to also cover up the fact that he may well be cheating himself. I completely agree with you that you should leave. This has absolutely nothing to do with him being insecure. Please read up on abuse and teach yourself about how and why these tactics are used. He will only get worse and get more abusive as time goes on. Please also DO NOT go to counselling with an abusive man. Therapists are trained to believe that relationship problems are always 50/50 and in cases of abuse this is simply not true. With a therapist telling you both that you are causing half the problems, this will give your husband more ammunition against you.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 Sadly people just do not take marriage so seriously any more. It doesn't seem like a huge deal but it should be. You should never be able to just walk away from a marriage and you should be completely sure you want to be with this person before you make such a huge commitment. You knew he was like this before you got married, hoping he would change doesn't mean anything, as the likely hood was he is never going to change. It is a shame you went ahead with the marriage knowing how unhappy he makes you. You have went through with the wedding now so you need to try and make things work. It is not a simple case off getting divorced. Seek a therapist and work through your issues together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2017): ". . . but still 5 months later he is still the overbearing husband who constantly accuses me of cheating."Why would you want to marry an overbearing guy who constantly accuses you of cheating in the first place. Why not marry somebody whom you love the way he is so he doesn't have to change to suit you?He told you what you wanted to hear so he could get what he wants, in this case a live-in baby sitter, maid and cook. And sorry, but guys who constantly accuse their wives of cheating on them are usually the ones who are cheating on their wives."Is it selfish of me to walk away or should I be running for a lawyer." It's impractical to walk away as you have no means to support yourself and your children, but a consultation with an attorney may be well advised.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 January 2017):
 Never count on a person's potential. What you see is what you get. IF you can't love a person where they are then you should not be with them.
In other words, you can't expect them to change. IF they do and it's better than that's a bonus.
It is not selfish to walk away or seek a divorce annulment if you are unhappy. If after 5 months it's this bad, do you even think you can do this for 5 years???
Promising to do something after you get what you want is just a common way to get what you want. Most people need a reason to change. You gave him what he wanted without the change he has no need to change now that he has what he wanted.
I married an active alcoholic. I accepted that. Once the drinking put me in danger the rules had changed and I told him I would not/could not stay with him if he did not get sober. Today in fact is 2 years sober. He made the choice to give up alcohol so he could stay with me.
Your husband said "give me what I want THEN I'll give you what you want" but since he has what he wants, and you put up with his behavior why should he change?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 You need to be running for a couples' therapist. Once you get married, you can't just walk away. You knew what he was like and naively thought a ring and a name change would stop it - not very believable at all!
If counselling doesn't help after 4 - 6 months, then get a lawyer. If it helps, then resurfaces after a short amount of time, get a lawyer. If he refuses to go to a couples' therapist, tell him you will not stay married to him without change, and get a lawyer if he still refuses.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 January 2017):
 You should never believe someone if they tell you they will change, or something will change after this or that. It never does!
In your case your husband swore he'd stop accusing you after you married. That was just his excuse to get you to marry him. Other examples can be a guy saying he will stop ignoring his girlfriend once he's just done with a stressful period at work etc. But no, these things never change. Why would they? Why would being married somehow change his personality? If he's a jealous and paranoid person who thinks negatively of you without reason (and your PAST in not reason for him to think you are cheating on him), then he will not change, not after being married 5 months, and not after being married 5 years or 50 years.
You need to decide if this, right this here and now and this current situation, is enough for you. Is it enough for you to stay married, knowing things will NOT change?
You know the answer to your own question, I believe.
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