A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my ex and i are recently reconciled after 3 years apart. It's just friends at the moment, but i suspect he wants to try again, as i think i might do too, but i know that if i make the decision, i have to stick by it. But i don't know if what i am doing is the right or wrong thing and i wanted your take on it.Things ended badly for us- we moved in together quickly and experienced huge money difficulties. We were together for nearly 3 years and he is 6 years older than me. I got into the relationship with him only months after my former ex abandoned me effectively to live abroad, with promises of "i'll come back in a year or so". i stopped believing this and was very hurt by what he did, so decided that my new boyfriend was better and told my ex i was in a new relationship and i was for a time, very happy. However, as things got worse and worse for us on the money front, us being unable to keep our house on and running up debts, our relationship suffered and we began to fight. i'd asked my bf to wait until we had sex. my boyfriend respected this and waited over a year until we had sex. By then though we were rowing about cash constantly, and i had decided that i'd got myself into a mess with my situation because my then ex was now implying that we had made a mistake, and he still cared for me and i became greatly confused because the grass started to look greener. meanwhile my bf was trying to make me happy and i felt guilty.We had no money and then i was made redundant from work. all of a sudden, i found myself in a relationship under huge pressure, at only 21. my bf started to get impatient about sex, because we'd had sex once in a year, and i was confused about my ex too and felt as though maybe I was at fault with the whole mess. My reaction to this was to withdraw from the relationship and started picking fights with my boyfriend to absolve my own guilt, blaming him for everything and being verbally abusive. After 18 months of no sex, fighting, no money, my ex snapped and told me things had to change- i was refusing to touch or sleep with him, i was picking fights, refusing to clean our home to spite him, and given up on not having any money and started to buy things for myself again and go out without him. i'd told him about my feelings for my ex- something that i felt was honesty but in retrospect was hurtful. My ex took it well and told me it was ok to be confused and he suggested i talk to this man as long as i still loved him and wanted to stay it was ok. a few months later, i told my bf i needed space and wanted to move out but still carry on seeing each other.My bf was patient with my awful behaviour around this time, but after 2 years told me that enough was enough and he couldnt cope with the way i was anymore and asked me to change. i refused. We split, and by this point i hardly cared because i was that stressed, i just wanted to move back home and sort out my life and it was a relief. When we finally did split, it ended with huge rows, over outstanding bills, money and joint accounts. neither of us had any money and both thought the other should pay and it ended up with us withholding each other's stuff and there was a lot of blame and hurt. we didnt speak for 2 years after, and my ex moved away. 2 years ago we buried the hatchet and both apologised for our behaviour, and we are now seeing each other again, as friends and enjoying being together, but i know he still has feelings for me and i'm confused. I've been in a lot of relationships since, and now i realise what i had, i threw away. My ex is a man that went without sex for a long time, to respect my wishes. I knew where he was at all times, he always came home and to my knowledge he never cheated. He tried to make me happy, to help me with things when i needed it and he tried to stick by me despite our differences. He loved me, and i had a good enough relationship with him he be honest about my feelings. He was reliable and trustworthy and did what he said he would, he saw me at my worst, and still loved me. Even after everything, and all of the anger and hurt, he still has feelings for me, and this man probably to this day knows me better than anybody. I've had other bfs and the second there's been pressure or difficulties theyve ran out on me- my ex tried hard to resolve things, and he loved and respected me. Only when it got too much did he snap and say no more and begin to get angry at me. i realise now that i've since been looking for the type of relationship that we had, but we both destroyed it and i realise i took him for granted as i assumed all guys were like him. I'm more experienced now and i know they aren't! We've both changed and grown up and he says he has forgiven me for my behaviour and hes always liked me for who i am, despite everything, but he told me i hurt him badly and i know ive got a lot of making up to do, because he has his guard up with me still.my friends and family are divided on this issue though. They are worried we're going to get back together again and history will repeat itself and we'll fall out again and waste another 3 years and after all the rows, they're not his biggest fan.personally, i don't feel particularly romantic about him- i can't because theres so much history, and things feel strange after all this time and we've got a lot of talking to do, but often ive gone for the romance and lust and initial buzz and its lasted 4 months or so, before i realise the person isnt right at all. it feels weird that i'm using my head not my heart here. but on the other hand my head tells me that this is a good man, who for all of his faults, loves me, despite all our ups and downs and is prepared to forgive and try again, and who respects me and is trustworthy and reliable and likes me for the person i am- that's what makes a good relationship right? But sitting trying to work out all of our differences is hardly the romance of the century, right?Am i heading for a fall? What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Hi - Phew !!!! What a confused girl you are. Don't worry thats not a criticism, I'm very confused myself at the moment, thats why I can empathise with you. From what I can see here your No 2 ex is a really decent guy. You've listed all the reasons why yourself. BUT I think you haven't cleared all the crap from the first ex, and you need to deal with that first before you can have any kind of relationship - and the first one you need to have is with yourself. No man can put right the stuff going on for you right now. You need your own time and space to sort yourself out, give yourself a break from all this shall I, shan't I stuff. You don't HAVE to have a man in your life all the time, you are fine with and in yourself, they can't affirm who you are, you must do that for yourself.
Soooooo, what I would recommend - and its actually what I'm doing myself right now - is very kindly tell this decent man that you need time and space right now, that you don't want to commit to anyone until you feel better in yourself - as its not fair to him or you - and then speak with him sometimes if you feel like it, but other than that just leave it alone. Get yourself well and happy and THEN see how you feel. You may find you don't really want him at all. You may prefer someone entirely different.
Don't accept any pressure from anyone. You need this time and space to get right. If they can't accept that, then so be it, someone else is waiting for you.
Finally, I am old enough to know that if I am asking other people what I should do, then it isn't the right thing for me to be doing, because if it was I would know, you just know. OK Hun? Good luck and take care.
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