A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey :-) im sorry that this is such a long one guys.About 6 months ago I started casually dating this guy who I had known for a while. It started because he pursued and chased me and I started to like him back. He told me how he thought of me 24/7, how there was 'something about me' and said I was his perfect type, etc. He was literally crazy about me and I fell for it, he would text constantly. We both agreed to keep it casual and neither of us could have a relationship due to circumstances, although at one point we did admit having feelings (now I'm not sure whether he even meant that). I did kiss someone after we had been talking for a month, and he got very angry although we werent exclusive.. i was very drunk at the time and he had been flirting with another girl in front of me, and I ended up kissing someone. After that he asked me not do anything with other guys (we weren't exclusive but he didn't want me to go with anyone else - I agreed because the situation worked for me). I found out recently that for part of the time we had first started speaking, he was also texting another girl I know, and flirting. This girl showed me messages from him from several months ago (flirty but innocent). Well i didnt say anything because we aren't exclusive and this was when we first started talking , so it didn't bother me too much. When he first started speaking he would text every day and always want to see me... but for the past few months he would only text once a week. He was also saying he was busy all the time and never had time to meet, so I haven't seen him in months. I should add that he was still the one pursuing me, he always text first and said he wanted to see me, couldn't stop thinking about me, etc. He knew i liked him but i certainly wasnt clingy. When I thought he was losing interest I was very laid back and let him come to me.. i wouldnt text first and i just got on with my life. I tried to call it off a few times as i could sense he was losimg interest - I didn't want to end it but thought he had lost interest... however every time I did, he would tell me how he was so crazy about me but had a lot going on and couldn't explain. He said he was desperate to see me and we wouldn't have to wait much longer but he just had so much going on. Yet he still went out with friends and family.I mentioned this a few times to him, and every time he would just say how much he liked me... but his actions didn't mirror his words. These last few weeks I got tired of the games and started dating someone else. The guy i had been casually seeing these last 6 months only text me on a few occasions over the past 2 weeks, so I continued talking to him as I usually would (quite flirty) whilst dating this new guy. I didn't really think of it as betraying my word, because at this point I had given up on the first guy and we hardly spoke anyway.Last week I told the first guy that I was dating someone new for the past few weeks and called it off.. obviously there was a slight overlap where i was talking with both guys. He told me he was very angry because I had said I wouldn't date anyone else but I did anyway , but also said he regretted not seeing me sooner and that he wishes me well because I deserve someone nice and to look after myself. That was a week ago and we haven't spoke since.I know this guy isn't right for me but I miss him so much. I know nothing more can happen but thought about texting him just to explain that when I started dating this new guy it was because I had given up, as I don't want him to think I'm a 'cheat.' I want him to realise that i had already given up at that point. I miss talking to him, I miss his character. Any advice? Should I send one more text to clear my head?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): When you agree to "casual dating" you're agreeing to casual sex. There *is* no actual dating involved unless you count meeting for sex as a "date". In a casual dating situation, there usually is no equality: one person acts as sexual play thing for the other. And as a play thing, you are at their beck and call for on-demand sex or (giving) oral. Otherwise, you are to be invisible, out of the way, and to follow the rules the OTHER person lays down. Some of these " rules " you are supposed to "just know". You are not to flirt or talk with other guys or even draw the attention of other guys, among other things. Most importantly, the play thing doesn't GET to decide when its over, that is up to the OTHER person to decide. They don't OWE you an explanation or even tell you when/if it's over. You're " just supposed to know ". You messed up by not playing by HIS rules.That's not fair to you and it's not right but you can fight back by not putting yourself in that position again. No more " casual dating ". Make sure it's an agreed exclusive relationship. No sex or potentially sexual situations until then. Please. For your sake and your safety.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 April 2018):
 Should you text him? No! No! NO! And here is why:
You say "he asked me not do anything with other guys (we weren't exclusive but he didn't want me to go with anyone else). Technically, you WERE exclusive. That is what exclusive means - you don't go with other guys. He didn't want you to go with others but wouldn't commit to a relationship either. Talk about taking the p*ss.
You say "He said he was desperate to see me and we wouldn't have to wait much longer but he just had so much going on. Yet he still went out with friends and family." Sweetheart, let me tell you something: NOBODY (and that includes this idiot) is so busy they can't see you. You were quite simply not on his list of priorities or, if you were, it was way down after his friends and anything else he would have rather spent his time doing than seeing you. You weren't "playing second fiddle" (as the saying goes); you weren't even in the orchestra!
You say "he would just say how much he liked me... but his actions didn't mirror his words" Words are cheap. Take them with a pinch of salt. Observe, rather, the person's actions because they ALWAYS speak louder than words.
He had no respect for you. He kept you dangling with chatting a load of rubbish to you about there being "something about you" yet he could not make time to text you more than once a week. Sweetheart, do you not think you are worth more?
You are missing the man you believed him to be, not the waster he turned out to be. Consign him to the trash can where he belongs and don't be tempted to waste any more of your time on him. He doesn't deserve you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2018): What's wrong with you? You don't owe anyone any explanations. It was a mutual-agreement to keep it casual; but you made it an open-end contract, where only you are the one promising not to date anyone else. Yet, you had no official-relationship; which makes absolutely no sense at all. His communications fell-off; and I will tell you as a man, that means HE DID lose interest. He was busy alright; running around with other women.
I studied your post. I also looked at the insight behind Honeypie's advice. I was able to conclude a few things.
The guy is the classic "player." He threw you a bone, buttered you up, and he baited you with sappy sweet-talk. How crazy he was about you. You kept it casual; because your intuition, or lets say common-sense, told you maybe he's not serious about all this. Still promising him you wouldn't see anybody else. Every now and then, he'd comeback to throw you another bone to keep his foot in the door; and to put the lock on the chastity-belt.
When a guy barely keeps in-touch; but when he does, he tells you how much he cares about you. Don't fall for that bullsh*t!!! Players are charming. That's their M.O.! Pardon the language, but allow me to speak frankly here. He's so full of crap his eyes are brown!
Don't apologize for kissing or seeing another guy, and don't call him to seek his forgiveness for doing what you had every right to do. There was no real overlap. During that time, you decided to see other men. You have every right to.
You were casually seeing each-other on and off. Your real mistake was promising to be exclusive with a guy you were only dating "casually." Honeypie already covered the casual-dating thing adequately; so I have no further comment there.
Let me educate you about shady male-behavior. This does not apply to all guys. It does apply to players!
I called the guy a player; because his actions are inconsistent with his words. He made you promise not to see other guys. That establishes property and ownership over your mind and body. Notice how you felt so much guilt for seeing other men; and how you want to apologize? Complete mind-manipulation.
Players plant these things in your head just to get that kind of loyalty and commitment; without having to offer it in return. You are now within a secret harem; others you'll never meet or know about. He does the same to them, as he does to you. Cuts-off contact. Creating a demand/craving, and doling-out his supply of sap and honey. Never trust a sweet-talker!
Your mistake is you're too smart for it; but didn't trust your own intelligence. It was that, or you played dumb; because you like him. Never play dumb for anybody. That backfires. That also detracts from your equality within the romantic-connection with another person. You are submitting to a subordinate position, placing him in control.
He doesn't want other men to touch his property; while you were basically sitting at the back of the shelf, until he felt like coming around to pay you a visit. Full of his usual bullsh*t!
My advice. Stop playing games. Stop being submissive to player's tactics just because you like a guy. That's dipping below your dignity and discarding your self-respect.
If you genuinely like a guy, insist on transparency and honesty. Never play "dumb chick" or permissive, not to look clingy. (Not calling you dumb!) Don't submit to any guy's game. He won't respect you. That's more important than worrying about him thinking you're some kind of cheat. You aren't a cheat; unless you have mutually agreed to being exclusive, and you have officially committed to each-other.
Inadvertently/technically, you left him the open-option to see other women; which I will bet he is. Thus his long absences and the dead air between contacts.
You're young and inexperienced, and I want to give you a head's up on players and their slimy games. I think you should continue seeing the second-guy, and totally dump the first one. He's playing you for a dummy, and you're allowing him to. STOP IT! His tactics and ways may entertain you, but you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 April 2018):
 Nope.
Texting him more will not clear you head. YOU have made your choice with guy #2 so stick with that and cut ALL contact with guy #1.
Guy #1 wasn't into you as much as you had hoped. He was in the beginning but he was still looking for what else is out there, that is why he was flirting with someone else in front of you and another one over the phone. You were just one of many... and you WERE just someone he was seeing CASUALLY.
Guy #1 asked YOU to not talk to others, not see others... but he couldn't be bothered to BE GF/BF... could he? When when the initial excitement had worn off.. he couldn't even be bothered to keep up contact.
Making a LOT of flowery prose and cutesy talk - doesn't mean SWAT in the bigger picture if it's BOT backed up with action.
And you can't date other guys and keep talking to guy #1, you know that. It just isn't cool at all.
And may I add... STOP doing "casual" dating. Either you DATE a guy or you don't. This whole causal reeks of immaturity. And from your own actions it's not what you really want. A casual guy doesn't HAVE to text you all that often, he isn't committed to you, he owes you nothing. (and vice verse)
Let guy #1 go.
Focus on guy #2 or BE single.
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