A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My heart is really hurt and I don't know what to do. Maybe I know what to do but I don't like having to do it. Any suggestions?My qualifier (call him Ted) and I are both AA members to the same group and I have known him several years. When we first met he was darting another girl and then they broke up and he was pretty down for a while. He never seemed to interested in me. We chatted moments but thats all. We both come from the same home state but now live in California so I though that was nice. He did apparently ask another girl out from our group who is ten years younger then me but they had a disastrous date i hear lol. Anyway he eventually met some woman and was seeing her for maybe 9 months. I was seeing someone else.Fast forward 3 months ago he friended me on social media and started liking statuses etc. Then the lockdown started and he reached out to me. HE has broken up with the last relationship. HE asked me to go for walks and i met up with him. We have really good chemistry and he is so kind. Of course or shared experinces and sobriety help! (PS we both have over 5 years) Third date we got dinner to go and sat by the beach, He tells me he and the ex are having a baby ;( they are not together and its a bad situation. I hear from another friend that its all true. I guess I want to know what I should do. Is this a terrible situation? Why is he interested now? Is he desperate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): I foresee baby-mama drama in the near future.
Most guys seem nice, until you really and truly get to know them! He has to follow the membership rules and protocols of AA. He's in a controlled group-environment that is monitored by a licensed-counselor; so he will be on his best behavior with other members. In his personal-life, he plays by his own rules.
He recklessly had unprotected-sex with someone in his AA group. Leaving her a single-mother. She will be needing financial-assistance; and he may want shared-custody and/or visitation-rights for the child. These things need to be worked-out. It can be pretty contentious.
There are going to be issues regarding child-support, he may even decide to request a paternity test, most women are offended by that...of course, that in itself creates drama.
You will be left on the fringes; while they work this all out. You will feel inclined to offer your advice; and to interfere in matters that are really none of your business. He is darting from one relationship into the next. Leaving somebody pregnant, and now he's with you. All three women within the same group.
My advice? Keep him in the friend-zone. This guy is all-over the place.
You might not see his true-colors until you're in too deep emotionally; and caught-up in his messy life.
Keep a safe distance. ABSOLUTELY NO SEX!!! Unless you have the ability to disconnect your feelings from sex; and don't mind having a friend with benefits, who also shares a kid with another woman in your AA group. If this isn't a theme for reality TV show; I don't know what is, sweetheart.
Guard your ever-loving heart! Listen to your gut-feeling.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2020):
 Yep, I'm with Kenny and Mystiquek
I'd walk away and keep it as being AA buddies. For one, he has been using the AA group as a dating pool, which I would think is NOT the best idea as people there have a LOT on their plates.
He's known you several years and not until his latest relationship went sour PLUS he knocked her up, did he find interest in you. So he know you were friendly, he knew you were easy to talk to and perhaps... easy to impress?
He has a MESS on his hands that he needs to sort out. My guess is he was looking for YOU to sort out his personal mess. He IS desperate. I think he sees you more as a life-raft than a potential partner.
Sure he is kind, sure you have AA in common, sure you both come from out of state etc. but IS that enough to build a solid foundation for a relationship?
Do you really think you need all this drama - HIS drama (or mess) in your life?
He didn't start to reach out until the lock down. Which means the people he could add to his life right now is VERY limited. He knew you. You would do. For now.
I think if you want to continue to see him that you need to go super ultra snail-like slow. HE needs to sort out his baby mama drama. That can't be your monkey.
Personally? Too much baggage here, that he wants YOU to help carry.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 May 2020):
 I'd give this man a wide berth. He sounds like trouble with a capital T. He didn't want you before as anything other than a friend but now that his latest relationship has gone belly up suddenly you're good enough? Oh honey please...and then on top of it he's got a pregnant ex? Just say no and keep on walking OP
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (12 May 2020):
 To be honest with you i would be inclined to give this one a wide berth and refrain from starting anything up romantically with this guy.
He was never interested in you when he was off unsuccessfully dating other women. Now after another failed relationship, and the occurrence of the lockdown he now want's to try things with you. Then he tells you he has got someone else pregnant.
What is your gut instinct telling you, your woman's intuition?
I think there are enough alarm bells ringing here. I would keep him at arms length, and certainly don't start anything romantic with him.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (12 May 2020):
He may be kind and you may feel you have a lot in common but he sounds irresponsible and immature. Assuming he's of a similar age to you, he should know how not to impregnate females he's not in a steady relationship with. It's not rocket science to keep it wrapped. When you start having sex make sure you use protection.
He is going to be this poor unplanned child's dad. He will be financially responsible for supporting it and may even - if the child is fortunate - be involved in physical care. This is not the time for him to be starting another relationship. You need to be very careful he is not just using you for emotional support unless you are happy to be used in that way.
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