A
female
age
26-29,
*rixie66
writes:I’ve been with the guy of my dreams for almost a year now and he goes above and beyond for me most of the time. Before me he was with this girl that he absolutely doted on for 7 years and was in a bad way when they finished Apparently. The the reason was that he wouldn’t do his house up and he wasn’t as nice of a person...but now he’s doing his house up and is a much nicer person! She’s now happily married with a kid and it was a good few years ago that they broke up. Between her and me he had another two year relationship. He still has really good connections with his original exes family which hasn’t really bothered me until now. Most of the time he makes effort to look nice around me. But when he goes the his exes dads garage to work on his car, he makes a lot of effort to look nice...just to go to a garage?! He puts smell on and hairspray etc. And before going there this morning he’d done his hair nice etc. So I asked him why he wanted to look so nice just to go to a garage and get dirty, and he said it was because he didn’t want bad feedback getting back to the rest of the family. So I said ‘no what you mean is that you don’t want feedback to get back to your ex’ and he got quite defensive and said “OH YEAH IM REALLY GOING TO CARE WHAT SHE THINKS WITH HER NEW HUSBAND AND BABY ARENT I” and then laughed his head off and told me to stop being so jealous all the time But not only that, he always goes above and beyond for that family and it creeps me out a bit. Do you think he could just be with me for something to do and hopes that one day she’ll come back to him? ??
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broke up, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2020): Sounds as though the beau is seeking validation from the original rejection. You can try building him up ( like puppy training) and reward him for being just as attentive to you when he does something good, or you can find out why that family still matters, or just leave his sorry a...Relationships are hard enough without going looking for more trouble and yes, (seeking out the company, validation, or comfort of exes and/or their family is deliberate trouble-making). Ex-loving is looking back. Demand more out of life and look forward. The man who has no vision for the person he wants to become, who looks for outside approval, is just a big fat loser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): If he is going to help her father, why shouldn't he be presentable? Last she knew him, he wasn't keeping himself up; and now he's with you and he has changed.
He wants her to know he's doing fine, and he also wants to show respect when he goes to her family's home. When they parted, she obviously informed her family of all the reasons. He wants to dispel all rumors or misunderstandings. He's on good-terms with her family, he has changed, and whatever was true before, isn't true now.
He can't undo his heart for someone he cared for as long as seven years. The difference is, she has moved on; and now he is with you.
Maybe you should try to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt. You have the new and improved best version of him. If he is going a step beyond, he's trying to prove to her family he's not entirely a loser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 May 2020):
 How much older is your BF than you?
Because if he had a 7 year relationship with this ex, then a 2 year one and now 1 year into yours, he must be older than you. I would presume.
If you (general you) have been with someone for 7 years and you were part of the family, some people develop pretty strong bonds regardless of the relationship status. It become a "second" family. He isn't going to the garage to "get dirty" he goes there to visit. He might have a BETTER relationship with his ex's dad than his own. It might BE a father/son like relationship that they BOTH enjoy.
Now DOES this ex factor into how he dresses and looks when he goes visiting HER dad? Absolutely. I think he wants to make sure SHE ONLY hear positive things about him, REGARDLESS of her being married and a mother. He might not WANT to admit that... who would?
Consider this, THAT family will always be a BIG part of his life, because he CHOOSES to keep them around. They might have had a not so great break up but it seems like HER family don't care and still wants him around.
He isn't going to give that up for you.
So This family will always be part of the picture. I don't think he is still close with them because he wants HER back. But he DOES want to impress HER and HER family.
In a sense SHE made him WANT to be the guy he is now, the guy YOU are dating.
Has he met YOUR family? Does he get along with them? How about his family?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 May 2020):
 It’s possible you’re right, but he was likely a part of that family (in some sense) for 7 years and not everyone then ditches them or has little contact after that. Moving on doesn’t always mean letting go of everyone, including the family you became a part of. When I was with someone for 2½ years, he was cared for by my family for almost all of that and for 2½ years after we broke up. There was nothing more to it than we all cared about each other, no romantic love left between us. Unfortunately, his new girlfriend wasn’t comfortable with it and he became uncomfortable, so our friendship ended. My family and I still miss him visiting occasionally. I share this so you know it can just be innocent, even if someone gets uncomfortable with it. It may just be trying to keep up good impressions for the family, which my own ex did, whether it gets back to your boyfriend’s ex or not. She is married with a baby and he is with you.
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