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age
30-35,
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writes: Hi, would love to get an outside opinion on this. it's kinda long (sorry), so here goes...I'm 19 and have an extremely close guy friend of mine who's 20. We were sexually involved but it ended and we still remained best friends. We are very honest, we know the others darkest secrets. We are there for each other through our breakdowns, and last year he seemed to have a LOT of them... I was always getting calls at 3am, with him crying so hard to the point I would drive over to calm him down. My heart broke and continues to break for him, but a couple of months ago our chats started to get further apart, and now I'll only hear from him when something is wrong - as I'm the one to talk him through it (which he listens to like the Bible) and am a shoulder to cry on.He's expressed genuine gratitude, but now it seems like I'm only there to pick up the pieces. And I'm kind of getting sick of it as its the same problems over and over. My girls tell me not to be 'that' person...it's not like I have romantic feelings for him anymore. But my heart tells me to stay and help him - he doesn't have anyone else to turn to, I care about him hugely and REALLY want to see him to be happy. His dependence on my advice and comfort is SO strong it scares me what he'll do if tell him how I'm really feeling. What do I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Mmmm.....are you sure, you really haven't any romantic feelings left for him ?...maybe,a tiny little bit ?...Absolutely not ?...
Then why on earth do you let him call you at 3 am and drive over to calm him down when he cries ! Don't tell me you do this for each and any of your friends ?....
Or maybe you do. In which case you are a good girl but you have strange ideas about friendship and you exchange codependency with friendship.
A friendship thrives also on mutually agreed, mutually respected ,healthy boundaries.
By fostering this kind of emotional dependency on his side , you are not helping him and not being a good friend, Also you are not really respecting him, by treating him like a vulnerable spoiled child , you sort imply that without you he can't get his balance back , can't take care of his own problems, ... which is untrue and condescending , even if of course you don't mean it that way.
The best thing you can do for a friend is helping him to help himself, so you could refer him to this site ,like another poster said, or to some phone helpline for people in distress, or suggest counseling.
Other than that, by all means bring back your interaction within those limits which make you comfortable and not taken advantage of.
These one-sided friendships eventually always finish in mutual resentment.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 I have had friends like that. I only heard from them when they needed a shoulder to cry on or advice. That worked for us, but it doesn't for everyone.
I see nothing wrong in giving a friend advice, but you need to let it go afterwards. All you can do is support and talk to him. If it makes YOUR life more stressful maybe it's time to cut the cord. NOT answer the phone at 3 am. NOT sorting out his drama, let him be a BIG BOY and sort out his own issues and problems.
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A
male
reader, Dataluke  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Well I think you've found your answer right here.
Direct him to this website. Be there with him when he goes on the site. With you there he is much more likely to trust the site. This should hopefully take some of the pressure off you.
Also, try spending some social time with him as friends. It will bring you closer and maybe he'll feel like your less of his agony aunt and more of his friend.
I hope the pressure is lifted from you.
All the best, Dataluke.
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