A
female
age
41-50,
*hatevergirl26
writes:My husband is 37 and im 27 and we just had a baby but about 6 months into my pregnancy he quit wanting to please me sexually or orally. I go down on him several times a week but he makes excuses on why he won't please me. The only time he does please me is when I complain and cry about it so I feel its pity pleasure. I can't get him to break from the tv to talk to him and when he does he says its cause of first I was pregnant and he was afraid and now its cause you just had a baby and he is afraid. My sex drive has kicked into high gear and I feel like maybe I pressure him too much, is that possible? I'm at a loss of what I can do. It really hurts my feelings and makes me feel very insecure. Any advice would be great.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
 I like the 'teehee', that sounds like things are going in the right direction!
And I'm so glad that you're both communicating too, now you can continue with your senses of humor intact, as well as the love you feel for each other.
I just want to say, "yay!"
Remember, you love him and he loves you, the rest is working on decoding each other's language, and communicating in a way that each of you can understand.
Yay again, and I hope your next post is even more positive!
A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Great hearing the persistancy that pays off in the end. Keep up the good work and keep TALKING!!!! Try to tone down the arguing though and keep a lower tone in your voice. It will bring his tone down if you remember to do so; plus, you don't want to be screaming in front or around the new baby too!
Best wishes! Gena
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A
female
reader, whatevergirl26 +, writes (31 March 2008):
whatevergirl26 is verified as being by the original poster of the question hey just to give an update. i ended up writing him a lengthy email in addition and then we finally had a whole night of fighting but at least we were communicating and he said i made him feel like the worst husband in the world. i reassured him i didn't think that of him at all. he moped for about a day and a half then things really heated up in bedroom (okay and in the bathroom too)heehee. so i took the advice not to reject him when he came on to me cause god knows i wanted to for the way i was feeling about the situation. so lets see if it keeps up. i will update from time to time. thanks to everyone.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2008):
Figure out a way to have the cable broken; you were smart enough to figure out how to let him know you were unhappy with your sex life...
Maybe some kind of work that causes a one night outage?
Either that, or tell him that for one night per week, the TV is off...to be green, it's the latest thing. Conserving the environment....whatever. Smash the screen if you have to get him to actually listen to you!
Don't let the resentment build any longer if you really want to fix the relationship. If you like swallowing bile, then go ahead, but really, what do you want to happen?
If the TV is the excuse, have a nasty incident with the vacuum cleaner in which the TV leaps to an untimely end. Or the end of the broom has an unfortunate meeting with the screen. This is all just a suggestion for you to think about how to get his attention so that he will hear and respond to your issues and concerns....
Either that, or get yourself to counselling, even if he doesn't go, you can at least learn some coping skills.
Wishing you the best,
Tisha
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A
female
reader, whatevergirl26 +, writes (28 March 2008):
whatevergirl26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust so everyone is clear here i have tried to communicate with him several times but the tv seems to be more important he has even shushed me before he complains that i don't tell him how i feel but seriously when i try the tv always wins. but i assume some is my fault for allowing it to when but what do u do when u get shushed seriously
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (27 March 2008):
I wouldn't 'say no' if he 'wants' to have you. I would play hard to get a bit though...sometimes teasing can bring on more lust in the love light than a total 'turn off'. Reconsider your moves before you make the wrong one.
At least he's paying attention now--hey, that IS a start.
You gotta start somewhere. That's more than I ever had, dear.
Be patient. I know it hurt you, but give it time. It WILL happen now that he's got your number.
Best, Gena
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2008):
You did inform him about your problem in an interesting way! Now maybe you can research some sites about talking openly and honestly about relationship issues, including sex and communication, so that he sees you're really trying to work on things with him. Lonelytwo has a very good point in reply to your update about action/reaction which you should think carefully about.Don't let your pent up anger and resentment stop you from moving forward on mending this relationship. Your man is on notice that you're unhappy, if he reaches for you now and you push him away, he may retreat further, and I don't think that's what either of you want.You both need to have a long, honest, open hearted talk about this, and you need to do it without anger or recrimination. You're going to have to listen to him and his feelings without judging what he says, because he can't control how he feels. I know you can't control how you feel either, but both of you can change how you deal with them. Pushing each other away is not the answer, as you no doubt know, because that will not mend the divide between you. Think positively, he saw what you researched and he's reacted to it in a way that suggests that he really does love you and doesn't want to lose you. Keep that in mind when you have this long-overdue talk, and keep in the front of your mind the fact that you love him too. That should help a lot.All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Remember that he as all humans have flaws. If you hold it against him, then your creating an equal flaw that will only continue the hurt in the relationship. You both need to be strong, even if it means going slower, but acknowledge your hurt feelings and offering a road map to each other will help bring you together. Doing otherwise will only continue the agony and possible make things worse to the point it takes longer to be loving couples again.
For every action, there is a reaction. So for every negative reaction you give him, he in turn will react with a like reaction
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A
female
reader, whatevergirl26 +, writes (27 March 2008):
whatevergirl26 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust a little update. i talked to him the only way i knew he would listen and that was i researched on the net about sex help and all other sorts of things about his lack of willingness cause i knew he would look at what was being researched and yesterday he looked through the searches and it hit his ego pretty hard i think. he called today informing me it will get better but at this point im so hurt if he does try to come on to me i don't know if i will beable to perform for fear its that whole pitty thing again. he said today he doesn't want me to leave him over this cause i am the love of his life. im not at that point i just know not once in our relationship have i ever told him no but i have been rejected time and again maybe i have just made it to easy for him. maybe i should start saying no. thanks for all the replys it gave a few different point of views.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Almost forgot. Some men maybe hesitant to do oral because they are unsure if it maybe dirty down there. Apparently women need to educate there men on this and explain they are the same as before.
I also was afraid to hold my child in the beginning, for fear I would damage the goods by either holding to tight. I always in the beginning has asked my wife to be close to me while hold a newborn. To this day, I do not know why I have this phobia.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): After rereading all the responses, it did bring up a couple of things I've heard. Excuse me if I get carried away and off course.
The thing about being a mother, I've heard, but for the life of me have no idea what could be going through these guys head; apparently they needed counseling or at least go talk to their dad.
Now I experienced less pleasure after she gave birth, but part of this was because I reverted to masterbation because the doctor said no sex for 3 months, and no getting pregnant for a year. Of course the vagina is not as tight as it once was, and I'm sure some men may be offended by this, ridiculous as that sounds, I've heard it does happen, which I've heard of the Kegel excercises. Actually, a doctor recomended I do this excercise for my urinary/bladder problem, I'm not using a specific muscle, though I haven't tried the method yet.
I think when men have sex after there wife had a child, they are not fully aware of the changes they are about to experience. They may withdrawl instead of bringing it up, for fear of being seen stupid about their experience. I know when I was in that position, I thought I went limp and started to apologize. In the beginning, it takes some getting use to, but once you realize (the men) that you didn't shrink in penis size or went limp, and she still is feeling good as she did before, men will relax.
I think we men are in fear of the unknown ... we little chickens.
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (26 March 2008):
 My friend had a similar problem
They are divorced now. He just didnt see her as a LOVER anymore, he saw her only as a Mother of his child. He had no other feelings for her anymore. And unfortunately it wasnt his fault .. it was just his mind and body ... sad,but natural. Some guys just happen to be that way. I hope thats not your case .. good luck girl!
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (25 March 2008):
Are you talking about me???? Lordy, Girlfriend. I was 27 when I had my first and only child and my ex (husband at that time) did me exactly the same way...and, unfortunately, it never changed. He lOVED blow jobs more than anything else. Of course, 19 years later we divorced.
I asked to go to a counselor and he wouldn't have it. He finally started seeing other women...and only had sex with me about once a month and I had to beg then. It was awful. Sorry to compare, but unless you can get him to go to counseling or 'treat you the way he did before' it may get worse. This is so sad...You are in the prime, don't let him make you feel this way.
Your body should be about back into normal shape by now and he should be ravishing you, not acting 'scared or afraid' of your body. That's just an excuse...seek help yourself and let him know you're seeking it to help you understand why he's behaving this way. It's not natural and it isn't fair to you; especially if he wasn't this way before you got pregnant.
I hope I didn't scare you, honey. It just shocked me to hear someone in the same boat I was many moons ago.... I thought that could only have happened to me. Jeesh.....
You be strong and stand up for what is right; remind him that he married you and loved you for better or worse, and right now he's making you feel bad about yourself and you will not tolerate it.
Yes, you body does 'kick in' and want sex moreso now than ever. He should be finding this in his favor and enjoy his wife...not shun from her. Men.........I know they're not all like this though. Is his name Larry??????? Just wondering.....
Gena
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Perhaps he has issues with your pregnancy? Some men develop hangups over it for all sort of reasons. Maybe he felt odd doing it with the baby in there.
His reasoning may seem stupid to you, but it is real to him.
Some guys for instance think that if they come inside a pregnant woman they are drenching their own child in semen. Could put a man off.
Try and talk to him in a non-sexual setting and find out how your pregnancy made him feel. People tend to focus on the mother for obvious reasons but that leaves the father alone to deal all sorts of weird emotions and thoughts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): I understand you have needs, and you have a right to be pleased by him.
What we (you) need to do is figure out what is bothering him. This won't be easy if he is unwilling to communicate.
To guess, maybe he tried earlier and he was rejected, and even though he may not see he is rejecting you (which he is), he gave up, and now feels is that your either pressureing him again (not sure of his past grips if he has any), and your attentiveness will be short lived, and I am guessing, like the past? Again, as a guy being if certain positions with my wife, I can only offer some areas where I experienced things, and maybe if true, give you some insight in what your guy "might" be feeling/thinking. It will be up to you, being your alone in this situation and no help from him currently, to think in the past and see if his behavior change was something he wanted and didn't get. He may say one thing today, but be disconnected from what he felt in the past. We have a tendency to purposely forget what has hurt us in the past.
I've said it before, it is problems like this, the lack or miscommunication that gets couples in trouble and headed for divorce.
Good luck.
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