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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: have a problem that I realise will seem very silly to some but I honestly am at a loss as to what to do. I love my husband greatly and in the past we have had issues with him using porn. We have been to couples therapy and our relationship has improved somewhat. He no longer uses porn and our communication is pretty good The problem lies with me....I simply cannot come to terms with the fact that for my husband sexual arousal was possible with other women...I know this may sound weird and that men aredifferent to women...I understand that but cant accept it...if that makes sense...I simply do not want to be with a man who finds arousal possible for a variety of women other than the one he claims to love...I am not angry, or shocked by his ability to get off to others...I just dont want to be with someone who feels that way...I realise this probably means never being with any man and I have cme to terms with the fact that that I may choose a life of singleness (I could go the other way but am not sexually attracted to women). I love men but have real problems with sharing my body with a man who gets sexual pleasure from the images of various strangers whom he doesn't know...needless to say I feel no sexual attraction for any man if I have no emotinal connetion to them...so even though my husband no longer uses porn (or says he doesnt) I know he still attracted to these women...and this is where I have the problem..his arousal readily happening over other women...I know its my problem and dont want to make his life miserable (and mine) but am not sure whether o leave or stay at least for the kids sake and be unhappy
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): I totally agree with "confusedinkent." I too understand how you are feeling, but it is true....men are wired to become sexually aroused by all woman, not just their wives or girlfriends. I also feel the same as you do and get upset to know that my husband is turned on by the site of another woman, but unfortunately they cannot even help it. When they see an attractive woman they cannot help the thoughts that pop into their heads, but if they don't act on it, you shouldn't get yourself so worked up over it. Just like me, you lack confidence in yourself and I've been told that men are extremely turned on by a "Confident" woman. So show him that you are a confident person and you will start to build the confidence in yourself and this probably won't bother you anymore. I know this is such a tough situation and believe me I've been through it and still get upset to think about it, but it's not going to do anyone any good to dwell on it. There are much worse things that could happen.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Okay this all boils down to whether you'd be better off WITH him or WITHOUT him. This is a big question and requires a lot of thought. If the minus of his using porn in the past out weighs all his plus's then I guess you'll have to separate and divorce. You are right however, the chances of finding a man who never has sexual thoughts for another woman except you are mighty slim and I might add I think rather unreasonable of you. However in my mind, there's a heap of difference between a man who only has an occasional thought and a man who ACTS on those thoughts, and that doesnt include masturbation. I think your husband has done all that he can for you at this point, he has given up the porn but as I said if you absolutely can't get past the past then you'll have to move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 April 2008):
 It sounds like your husband is working hard on the marriage and communicating with you. He's been doing the things that can save the relationship, right?
Your feelings are your own, just as his feelings are his own; you can't help them, but I have to wonder if you are still punishing him for what he did to your sense of self-esteem. Splitting up because you don't want him to ever feel attracted or aroused by another woman seems very extreme to me.
I suspect you still have huge unresolved anger over this breach of your expectations of him. You said you'd been to couples counseling; now I think it's time for you to get some individual counseling so that you can examine your feelings in greater detail. Is it perhaps that you have some self-esteem issues?
Think about your children, and what kind of lesson you'll be teaching them if you leave him over this. You started this journey with him, you've hit a very bumpy patch, he's worked on what he needed to, and now that you've got some work to do on your own self, you're contemplating leaving? I think that's not really what you want to do, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking this question.
So the next step for you is going to be really difficult; acknowledge that you have these feelings, and then go get help to get over them. Don't quit! You're almost there!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Have you ever read a romance novel? Or listened eagerly to a gossip story about somebody's hot hookup? Or watched a cheesy soap opera kind of television show?So was that cheating your husband?Why not? For males, looking at porn is pretty much the same thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Ok theres a lot to cover here, firstly I can understand that you are upset by your husband being aroused by pornographic images, but you need to understand that men are genetically wired to be aroused by woman. It garuntees the existance of Man its instinctive. I'm not justifying him looking at porn though, that is a whole other matter.
When you are in a serious relationship both partners need to compramise. While some Women are happy for their Husbands to view porn other Women are not happy. And that is perfectly acceptable, your partner should realise that you are upset and offended by it and stop, which he has. So you know that he definately loves and respects you. I would reccommend that you try to forget he ever viewed porn and concentrate on making your realationship better. Its happend, you've dealt with it and now you need to move on.
Your husband is probably feeling like he is being punished, so I would suggest you try to forgive and forget before you ruin wot is left of your relationship by holding on to the anger and hurt.
I personally do not think that a spouse viewing porn is a valid reason for breaking up a marriage. However, I can understand that its a serious problem to you.
So I think your Husband has been punished enough, let go of the anger and upset and start relaxing. Try to remember why you got together in the first place and start from there again.
Wipe the slate clean, and start again. Go on dates and do things alone, the feelings of anger and upset will leave you once you let go and relax. I garauntee it!.x
Ok hope I have helped xx
good luck xx
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