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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been married to my husband for 12 years, and we have been faithfully together for 16 years, Renently I was diagnoised with cancer, we made it through the post op and everything fine, unfortunatly I put on about 170 lbs and he dosn't find me sexually attractive anymore, we still make love often but there are times when he sometimes goes limp, he has now lately been suggesting maybe seeing if "we" would like to try the swing thing. I dont feel secure enough with my weight but he suggests I could just watch him with someone else. What should I do?
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female
reader, caraduddy  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 Thats horrible! You have just got threw your cancer and he is saying just because he doesn't find you sexually attractive he shall go off with other women! he should love you for who you are not because you have gained weight i think this man is being wrong! If you don't feel comfotable doing ''swinging'' because of your weight nobody is forcing you to do it. If you would like to do it and you are not happy with your weight why dont you concider a diet? or exercising. If he doesn't want to be with you just because of sex that is selfish!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): This has warning bells going off for me.
It is apparent that he has, somewhere along the line, mistook lovemaking with his wife to be the same as f#cking.
I say that the main culprit in most men's views of sex is blurred by his over reliance on porn to "sate" his sexual needs while you were infirmed and could not perform your "wifely" duties. This is the farthest thing from love, acceptance, compassion, respect, faithfulness, honesty, reliance...how sad and disappointing.
I can imagine that you now feel even more unworthy and undesirable and his asking you to get into the "swinger" lifestyle is unacceptable for most people.
I read in books about abusive partners that a partner who asks/expects/demands that his partner/wife begin to adopt his sexual lifestyle to feed his sexual "needs" is a dangerous man to love.
I think you need to get some individual counseling so you can have the support you need in your life. I also suggest couple's counseling.
I think your husband has fallen into the lure that the PORN industry promotes...Porn Sex vs. Real Sex and the Blur have led him to believe that what turns him on will turn you on.
This is a common theme with men who indulge in porn; that women will be turned on by what they view as acceptable and "hot".
Marriage counseling is definetily in order to meet this new and uncomfortable and unacceptable request. The answer to how he came to this decision will need to be addressed and dealt with.
I hope you have good, trusted friends nearby as well as family members to lean on.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): So your husband is asking you to become a whore? tell him absolutely NOT! that you DO have self respect and he either goes to marriage counseling or the marriage is over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006): DUMP THE SOB, and find someone who loves you for YOU.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2006): what a jackass. enough said. but i'm still going to say more anyway. i can't believe he'd have the audacity to ask if he can have a f*ck buddy just because you're recovering from a life-threatening illness. what a real man, and caring husband would do is be by your side through thick and thin, and help you in any way he can. he should just be thankful that you are alive. do me a favor and kick his @$$ for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): Tell him absolutely not!!
He sounds really shallow and uncaring. You had cancer, for heaven's sake! What the devil is this man thinking?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): that is just wrong. your husbands an insensative idiot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006):
Wow... your husband is an asshole. That is all there is to it. You are a cancer victim. He promised to be there in sickness and in health.
Totally agree !!! so much for sickness and health.Bit full of himself him suggesting for him to make out with someone else while you watch.F*ck that i would be packing my bags and giving myself some time on my own afterall it isnt as if your getting over a stomach bug.I wouldnt worry too much for the sake of your health easy for me to say that but i would start to put my foot down a bit more as far as he is concerned.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 If you hadn't put on the weight would you then consider the swinging? Is weight the only thing stopping you? Just curious.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Forget the swinging thing - it is obvious you would be going along with this for his benefit and don't want to try it yourself. It is normal to gain weight when you are receiving treatment for cancer and you need to concentrate on not getting stressed. I truely understand how you feel (pre-cancerous condition in my case caused 4 stone weight gain). You will lose the weight - you won the battle with cancer so what is a fight with a few pounds in comparison?
Your husband should be supportive to you as a 'cancer survivor' not a 'cancer victim'. Perhaps he needs specialist help on how to be supportive and needs some counselling as partners are affected by cancer too. Maybe his claim that you are no longer sexually attractive to him is a disguise of his real feelings - lets face it man are sometimes hopeless at talking about the real issues! The real issue is that he could have been half scared to death that you would not recover from cancer and that is affecting his sexual performance as he sees you as his wife with a serious medical condition (i.e. fragile), rather than his wife who is in remission, healthy and sexual. It is not uncommon for a diagnosis of cancer to affect sexual relationships in such a way. This in no way condones his behaviour towards you but maybe he needs to talk to a professional counsellor. Since he is not being terribly supportive right now, perhaps you need to seek out support services - most communities have a network of groups for survivors - to compensate for the lack of positive vibes at home. Stay Well!
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 I completely agree with Snowbird here (she gives fantastic advice all round by the way). No one, it doesn't matter if you have been with him for 16 years, should make you feel this way about yourself.
I can see from his side too though, but that does not excuse him asking you something like this when he knows what a tough time you have been through. All he is thinking of is himself, yes okay, he asked you what you thought about the idea, it's not like he went and started having an affair behind your back, but even suggesting you watching him getting it on with someone else, is just as bad as having an affair in my eyes.
You sound like a beautiful and strong spirit and please do not let this man break that because of his petty needs.
Anyone who lives through cancer like you have deserves the world and if your husband can't see that, then he is not worthy of you.
Enjoy your life and don't worry yourself so much about the weight as this can be lost overtime - enjoy everything around you, try to notice things you haven't noticed before and make yourself happy.
Let me know how things progress xxx
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A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 I agree with the other posters - what a low ball to roll on you at this very difficult time in your life! 16 years together and now this!! What a shock for you ...He sounds so insensitive! Ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you had said the same thing to him after having gone through such an ordeal!
You have stared death in the face and all he can think of is the extra poundage!!! Politely remind him you have had a few other things to think about other than aesthetics, and you watching him banging another woman is sure as hell not going to make you feel any better about yourself. Life does not revolve solely around sex and 'getting his end away'.
A bit of patience on his part would not go amiss - and should you wish to lose the weight - make certain it is for YOU, do not put yourself under undue pressure to do it for him - he does not deserve it, and if he cannot see reason then he does not deserve YOU! I wish you luck, happiness and ongoing good health.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): Wow... your husband is an asshole. That is all there is to it. You are a cancer victim. He promised to be there in sickness and in health.
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A
female
reader, jaybird +, writes (2 August 2006):
Remind your husband of the vowls he took when he married you. In sickness and health....need i say anymore
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