A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I really need your help and advice.About 3 months ago when I was living in France I met a guy coincidentally just a week before moving back to the UK. Long story short, we have seen each other a couple of times since we met, talked everyday, Skyped often and have talked about being together because in a month he is coming to the UK to study for a year with a view to living and working in London after. But then last night he dropped a bombshell on Skype, that he feels he never wants to get married, he wants to have a child, but not get married because he doesn't believe in marriage, whereas I do want to be married one day and have always thought I would get married. Now, at this point, we are not even boyfriend and girlfriend, though that was the direction it was heading in, but now I'm having second thoughts as to whether I should even become involved with him if marriage is something he never wants.We had a pretty heated conversation about it on Skype, he said marriage is just a piece of paper and just a ceremony for everyone else's benefit and why do two people need to get married just to prove they love each other? Whereas I was arguing that marriage is so much more than a ceremony, it is a ring, it is security, cementing your relationship, it is a lifelong commitment and it is having your man's name after yours.We had a big disagreement about it and now I fear that this will be a deal-breaker for him. The dilemma I'm now faced with is should I overlook this given that we are not even together at this point and potentially start a relationship with him and see what happens? Or should I just move on right now to someone who is open-minded towards marriage? Marriage isn't important to me at the moment, I am only 21 and therefore would like to just be in a relationship where I am constantly happy and enjoying everyday, day by day, with no big plans for the future. But I know deep down that one day in my life I will want to get married.Just a side note - his parents are divorced and his dad walked out on their family when he and his sister were small, so I know a lot of his pain and skepticism stems from here. Any advice as to whether I should just walk away now or give him the benefit of the doubt and overlook this seeing as it's not terribly important for me right now? We haven't spoken since our conversation last night and I'm a bit concerned :/Thanks x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (14 August 2013):
 When I met my now husband he told me he was never getting married. He did not believe in marriage and marriage was stupid. NOTE I said HUSBAND...
I believed him and I do not care about being married as I am done having children and I have been married before.
What changed? he fell in love and he decided that he wanted to be married TO ME...
what i have learned is "I don't believe in marriage I don't want to be married" is only part of the statement
it should be "I don't want to be married TO YOU" because you don't stir those feelings in him.
Now it may be that NO ONE ever will stir those feelings in him... it may be that you are not with him long enough or seriously enough (a transatlantic LDR is not a great gauge of a relationship until it's NOT LDR) to warrant a change of mind or a concern yet.... but if you get serious and he still stands by his "never getting married" (to you) and you want to get married and are not willing to compromise this (and to have children I believe parents should be married before the child is conceived) then later on it will be a deal breaker.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2013): Original poster here, thank you so much for your words and your advice, you have given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate that and I completely agree with everything you have said. I guess I will just continue to get to know him and see what happens and take things day by day like we were doing before, I guess his view on marriage just threw me off track thinking well what's the point if we are headed in different directions in life and wanting different things. But you are right, we are not even together yet, and marriage is definitely not important to me at all right now, and it's not worth throwing what we do have away on the basis that he may or may not want to ever get married. I'll just keep getting to know him and establishing a romantic connection with him as you have said. Thank you so much
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): I don't understand all the drama about his viewpoint on marriage when he isn't even your boyfriend. He doesn't have to share the same opinion.
Here's my opportunity to lecture you.
He may change his mind over-time. In fact, marriage is far too premature to even be discussing with someone you hardly know, and haven't even grown a significant fondness for.
He has a point. You're way to caught up about marriage, and you've already put the cart before the horse.
You start out with getting to know someone. You establish chemistry and a romantic connection. You discover what you have in common, and look for the red-flags, and examine the personality quirks that you may not find compatible.
There is a trial period for compatibility, in consideration of the viability of commitment. Love has to evolve over a spectrum.
Who knows if marriage will even come into the picture?
When you are as young as you are, relationships are a series of trial periods of romantically bonding with different people. Until you are psychologically developed, and emotionally prepared; to pair off as a couple indefinitely. With the prospect, or goal, of creating a family.
The mistake too many women make, which scares off men, is they are looking for a "husband." Before they even establish a commitment at all. They use a calendar to gauge whether a relationship is going anywhere.
Instead of looking at all the elements within the relationship that can maintain a successful marriage.
Moving in together is considered a prelude to a proposal, instead of a test of comparability. You need to know if you can even stand to live together first.
One reader based her decision on moving in with her boyfriend, on the eventuality of marriage. I'd rather want to know if I could stand his habits; and if he wouldn't drive me out of the house first. I doubt he'll allow emotional blackmail to coerce him into a marriage proposal.
Life is not a mission to find a husband or wife.
Life is the journey in preparation for survival, opportunity for enlightenment; to develop creativity, and to contribute to the improvement of society.
Marriage is a wonderful institution; but there are many things a person must do to prepare themselves just for life and adulthood. Attaching yourself to someone else isn't the only reason you were born.
Companionship exists in many forms. All people aren't marriage material. So it would be pointless in planning for it in their future.
You have to develop a sense of identity. You have to grow and educate yourself; and prepare yourself for survival as though you may never marry, or marriage could end in divorce. If it should happen, and you have your ducks in a row, things might just work out.
It is certainly something nice to look forward to, but you don't obsess over it. It isn't a weapon to be pointed at every single and eligible male who enters your life.
No male has to defend his position about marriage; nor when, or if, he ever plans to do it. He has a choice, just as you do.
You have to learn to live on your own, develop your own character and personality, and see how you survive as an individual. You can't expect every man with whom you share a romantic interest to eventually become your husband. He may only be a wonderful companion and lover. That's all.
You should see yourself as your own woman, before you see yourself as some man's woman.
There are single people living very happy and productive lives. With or without children. There are people sharing a lifetime together, and never marrying. There are people who marry over and over; and never get it right. Divorcees who swear they will never go near an alter again, as long as they live.
Keep an open-minded approach about dating; so you won't be too anxious and dismiss guys who may just not see marriage in their immediate future. Maybe not to you. It's the last thing on a man's mind when he has just met you. It may take some persuasion to prove you're even worthy of being a wife.
People have to grow together, learn about each other, and realize how much they are truly in-love; and desire a permanent commitment to each other. They have to be on the same page!
Arguing about marriage is going to send a lot of men running for the hills, my dear. So hide your nets and bear traps. Keep them well out of sight.
Don't expect men to have the romanticized view of marriage that women have. Many guys think they never want to give up their freedom. That is; until they meet the woman (or man) of their dreams. Then they will give up all others to share their life and love exclusively in marriage. It has to grow on us.
You don't have to giveup on dating him. You may not even like him.
Your next post may even be how to get rid of this guy; because he decided he did want to marry you; but you're not interested.
His view on marriage, is the general consensus among single men. You'll learn that with more experience.
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