| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: About a few months ago, I found out that my boyfriend is married. He doesn't live with this woman, so I never suspected anything. I was under the impression that they just had a child together. He tries to justify lying to me by saying that he never told me because he didn't want to hurt me. Like I said, it has been a few months, and I am still hurt. I haven't talked to him in a few weeks. He never gave me a formal apology for lying to me. How am I supposed to move on? This really hurts!!
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): sounds like this guy is a total wanker doesn't want to hurt yeah right i'm sorry to say this but you'll just to try and move on i mean if he cheats on his wife so i can't see this working out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): I know exactly how you feel. I've been burnt twice by the same guy. I met this guy about 2 years ago who pretended he was single. He claimed that he was living with his exgirl who was about to move out of a rental home they had shared for 2 years (the least was about to expire). But I found out later that his so-called exgirl was his wife. I didn't find out until 2-1/2 months after we were dating that she was his wife. He apologized but made an excuse--he said he didn't tell me because he knew that I wouldn't date him and he knew that sooner or later he would be divorced.Immediately when I found out, I broke it off with him. But a few months later (after they filed for divorce) he pursued me and we started dating him again. He claimed he wanted to marry me and I desired to marry him, but I did not want to rush into it because I felt it would take timeto trust him again. He appeared to be very sorry for hurting me in the past. But a few months after we were dating he took a 360 degree turn on me-- he got short tempered, arrogant, and uncaring. Without my knowledge, he started seeing his exgirlfriend from high school. Because of his changed behavior, I told him it wasn't working out. Sometime (shortly) after we broke up he married her (I didn't know this at the time). Then he contacted me about 1 to 2 months later and tried to get back with me--at least he pretended. He came over and we made out but thank God it didn't lead to sex. Over the next few months, he misled me and I had sensed that he did not want a full commitment--only phone calls and sex. He asked to come to my house a few times to make out. But I was too suspicious about his intentions and found ways to avoid having sex with him. He took me through some emotion/mental changes by not calling back when he promised, not coming by during the Holiday,etc. So I confronted him about it and he made up a lie by claiming he was severely depressed over his exwife who was trying to keep him from seeing his daughter. He said that he was hurting and had withdrawn from everybody. I said that I would give him his space (but I had given up at this point). But he called me the next day and said he would like to come over to see my parents (who were visiting me from out of town) before they left. He never called nor showed up. Then he called 2 days later and told me he only wanted to be friends. Then he called a left a voice mail saying he wanted to be more than friends. Over the next several days we argued because I accused him of giving mixed signals--misleding me. Then he asked me if we could continue being friends by keeping in touch. I told him that too much damage has been done and that we should not talk to each other again. Later that day, he left a voice mail on my machine admitting that he married his high school exgirlfriend 2 months ago (November 2005) and said they were dating after we had broken up (the first time) last summer. He said made excuses about why he decided to marry her over me. I called up his sister and found out that he got married sometime last summer (not just 2 months ago). So he lied to me twice. He was married to a woman when I dated him the first time and was married to a second woman the second time I dated him. I am very devastated. But I am glad that I did not have sex with him the second time around. My advise to you is to let him go and begin the path of healing. If he lied to you once, he would lie to you again. I did not use common sense when I first met him--I took more crap from him than I would have normally taken from any other guy. He did not deserve a second chance and will never get a third chance with me if he tried to come back. I know it's hard to get over him but its for the best. I wish you well.
Sue
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2006): Update on question for Mr.Ed or anyone else who wishes to respond:
We were in a relationship for about 1 1/2 years. I knew him since 1996 as friends until 1997 when we lost contact, and then we started talking again in 2003. I was told by a few family members that they thought that he was married like 6 months into our relationship, but they weren't sure if this was true. I did ask him if he was married when I was told by them, and he said that he wasn't.
He does not live with his wife, but they are not officially separated. I do love him a lot, and he claims that he loves me. I don't think that I can trust anyone who would lie to me like this. I didn't ask for a formal apology, because he didn't give me a chance to really talk to him. Anytime I ask him questions about his marriage or anything now, he doesn't want to talk about it. Hell, when I first found out that he was married and called him to confront him about it, he hung up on me. I called back, and he hung up on me again. He knows that I am hurt, but he hasn't made the effort to comfort me in any way. Like I said, I haven't heard from him in weeks now. Seems heartless if you ask me. People seem to show their true colors when times get rough.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): You are doing what many women would do when new information about our bf/partners are exposed, we consider it, carefully. Nothing wrong with using your head, dear. I do think your bf was unable to be truthful with you because he was afraid of your reaction, and he was right. However, your reaction was not inappropriate, by no means. You are hurt and you felt betrayed by his dishonesty. Sometimes, good people lie because of fear...do you think his fear of losing you far outweighed his common sense? This could've been him. He should have been honest right off the start of this relationship. Therefore, I would sit him down and get to the bottom of all this. Once you know the truth and you decide on a compromise together, outline a plan (eg: his divorce) and ensure this plan also includes how 'lying" will never, ever happen again. Let him know what you will and will not be tolerate in this relationship. Be firm and clear on that. I would emphasize to him that he take full responsibility for his actions by apologising to you. He needs to know that your faith and trust in him was deeply shaken and you suffered a potential loss in all this..a loss of trust in your own judgement. His apology beginning steps to righting a wrong. What your bf needs to know is whatever his reasons for lying-when he did that, he betrayed himself...long before he betrayed you, hun. Have that chat with him and I hope you can resolve all this, a good way for him to show you he's genuine, is he needs to begin divorce proceedings, right away. If you feel that you cannot tolerate what he's done, then accept this as is and move on. It's your choice. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (14 January 2006):
 Again I agree with Ed. Did he actually purposefully lie or did he just not reveal the whole truth? There is a subtle difference. If he ommitted to tell you then this could be one of those 'road to hell paved with good intetions' things. Also, it is possible his divorce is in the process is going through and so that would be another reason for ommision - in that case he is only married in the technical legal sense of the word not in any emotional sense.
I think you should talk things through with him. Tell him how hurt you have been by this. See what his response is and go from there.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (14 January 2006):
 I'm sorry that you found out the way you did; that I am sorry for. You also stated that you got the "impression", leading me to believe you knew about some "other" person in his life. Your question to be accurately answered needs alot more details. How long did you know him? Did you ever ask him if he was married? or did he just ommit the fact? If he doesn't live with her then are they seperated? Do you love him? Does he love you? Did you ask for a formal apology? Does he know how hurt you are?
Like I said I'm sorry that you had to go through this and the only thing I can say; without facts; is that not all men are that way, so you can move on. Time will heal all of this and maybe make it better; you just need to believe that love is right around the corner. I'll check to see if you updated this letter later. If you don't I'll just say I definately empathize with you.
Good luck
Ed
...............................
|
