A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been in a relationship with my parter for the last four years, we have a 7 month old son together. there is an age gap he's 45 and I'm 24. I love him so much but I doubt if he feels the same as he never tells me. I don't think he fancy's me, he never compliments me or tells me I'm beautiful, or if he likes anything about me. He knows I fancy him loads because I always tell him. This makes me feel horrible about myself and my body and have no confidence,especially after having our son. I've tried talking to him but nothing changes, I don't know what to do anymore.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 March 2015):
 Op check out this website and book
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
it saved my relationship. and had I known about it 30 some years ago I doubt I would have divorced my first husband.
I did not get that we express love in different ways.
I say "i love you" but my husband uses "acts of service and time" as his benchmark. If I do his laundry he sees that as my saying "I love you" but if I say "I love you" it means nothing to him.
Early on he warned me he does NOT say I love you...so when I do hear it from him (very rarely) It's a treasure.
what I did learn was... he brings me something, he is showing me love. He cares for me when I am sick (leaves work without a second thought even if it means walking out on the CEO which he has done.."sorry my wife needs me I'm leaving fire me if you must"
this is how HE defines love.... so once I learned to speak HIS language of love it was a huge help to realize that he loved me more than all the others in the past combined.
no I don't hear "I love you" (well once in a rare while) but I feel it.... in other ways.
there is a quiz there... both of you should take it and read the book.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 March 2015):
 OP: Regarding your note: "@Sageoldguy1465 so if he's not telling me he loves me then he doesn't? ..."
It's NOT a sure bet that he doesn't (love you)... but, then, it's not a sure bet that the Sun will rise tomorrow morning, either...
I've "BT/DT" (twice!)...and believe in what I said....
(P.S. When I told them, "I love you.".... both girls said the same thing: "I like you too, a LOT"....)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): This is all about him so far in your life. Pleasing him. Two books 'women who love too much' and 'nice girl syndrome' might help you think things through. Have you stopped to consider what your hopes and dreams are. What you need to feel fulfilled. Could he be emotionally abusing you? It can manifest in subtle and controlling ways initially. I agree with the other posts that it might be good to imagine a life without him. You could move back to your family and friends..your support network. I know you love him but you also love yourself and your child. Do you have money of your own or do you rely on him. He isn't going to change. When you start empowering yourself then your confidence to see the issues clearly will come. It is better to be able to evaluate someone's actions from a position of strength not weakness. You feel confused because you feel low about yourself. The way things are is not right or healthy. He is not respecting your needs but you can.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (23 March 2015):
Firstly work on your confidence. I'm not a mother but have female friends who felt unsexy after having a baby mostly because they were tired and their figures had changed during pregnancy. It's wonderful when a partner tells you they love you but you should FEEL that they do too.
Do you feel like your man loves you? Some people can't say how they feel but show it. How many times have you had someone do something for you e.g buy you a present for no reason or a box of chocolates and you've wondered "Why are they doing this?" Do they like me? Actions speak louder than words sometimes and you too could SHOW him you love him.
As someone who dates older men myself, I can understand a little of what you're saying. Older men do make better boyfriends and husbands but don't always declare their undying love for you like an 18yr old love sick man would. I fancied a 45yr old man recently who seemed annoyed at me for cracking a joke. I'm a friendly person and always joke around but the look he gave me one day when I cracked a joke made me wonder if I was annoying him? Turns out I was'nt.
Also your partner is at an age where men slow down. Sexually and emotionally men slow down in their 40's even late 30's. If he's with you hun and had a child with you...he loves you. Why on earth would he hang around if he did'nt?
Also is this his 1st child? If so how is HE coping with being a new dad? Men do suffer from post natal depression would you believe. So for all you know he may be feeling down in the dumps. If this is not his first child, how long ago did he have to be a round a little one? After having a quiet life, a new baby may be a shock to his system.
What does he do for a living? It may be tiredness from work. Hun, there may be many reasons why he's not paying you attention. Give him time and for now focus on yourself. Gradually get your figure back, get a new hairstyle, dress up a little more. A little bit of lippy can make the world of difference...lol Do whatever you need to your wardrobe etc
Before you know it, you'll feel like a millions pounds and he'll be sniffing around you again. Men are funny like that. When you're not on guard and happy in yourself, they're all over you. But 4yrs is a long time in a r/ship so don't feel hope is lost.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): I'm curious why you'd get pregnant by a man who doesn't have a history of telling you he loves you, or never compliments you? Did you think having his baby would turn him into a romantic love-machine?
If he's over 40, he has reached a stage in life he is less likely to change. Just a head's up.
As your final-effort, I do recommend that you both sit-down and have a grown-up conversation about your feelings. He will not listen if you're whiny, emotional, or overly-dramatic. Tell him you need feedback about how he feels toward you, and you'd appreciate a compliment when you try to look good for him; or just for no reason at all. I said final-effort; because this is an exploratory review as to where this is all heading. My guess? Nowhere!!!
An emotionally-unresponsive guy, is usually a man who feels trapped.
I'm not certain as to why you're so head over-heels, if he's so indifferent? Stop oozing all over him with love. Tone it down, and stop expecting him to show you a guy he never showed you to start with. Unless the pregnancy was unplanned; it had to be a conscious-choice. There is no advice here to offer that can transform him. You can still kick his ass to the curb. You'll just need a little more time to reach your own conclusion. It will come.
If he doesn't change; then you should change the scenery. Imagine it without him in the picture; accept for child-visitation and/or his child-support check in the mail.
Sounds a little appealing doesn't it? Well, it will eventually.
You settled for a one-sided relationship, and brought a child into it. Because you share a child, he's there for the duration; but he doesn't have to be the man you give your heart to. You don't commit to people with the intent to change them. The point is to find someone with the character and attributes you wanted in the first-place.
You're still young. You have time to dump him, get-over him, pull your life together, be a cool single-mom for a bit; then date and be picky. My neighbor has a cool saying. "You can't squeeze apple-juice out of an onion." You've got an onion. Go find yourself a sweet and juicy apple!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, to answer @Honeypie question I'm still with him because I love him and we share a child together I guess I just keep hoping one day he will be more loving toward me. Its also great to hear a man's opinion @Sageoldguy1465 so if he's not telling me he loves me then he doesn't? Ive moved 6 hours away from my family so he could be closer to his family Inc his sick parents, I moved to a place where I knew nobody, all that was for nothing? I can't help but feel upset with myself and feel as if my life is about to fall apart.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2015):
 Change it up. Stop complimenting him and telling him you fancy him loads.
Just because he's older than you doesn't make him wiser or more intelligent or capable of sustaining a real relationship.
I agree with Honeypie, Dial back on the "worship" of him.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you can choose to change it. Just because he's a bit older doesn't make him wiser.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2015):
 Find ways to LOVE yourself. If you are unhappy with your post-baby body - start working out and getting back into shape, you have youth on your side and getting pre-baby body back is a LOT easier at 24 them 34.
He is NOT the person who makes you beautiful. YOU are. And your son.
I get that you want your partner to compliment you and praise you, but he isn't that kind of a guy. My suggestion? DIAL back a little on your "worship" of him. He is JUST a man like you are just a woman.
He KNOWS you want praise and he is WITHHOLDING IT. Either because he want you to DOT depend on him for constant praise or because he likes you make you feel bad about yourself. I hope for you sake it's the first.
If you doubt that he loves you, WHY are you with him?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 March 2015):
I've said this on this site before... and will take this opportunity to repeat it: "IF your partner/SO/mate/spouse
DOESN'T TELL YOU THAT HE/SHE LOVES YOU... Then, LISTEN TO HIM (or, her)!!!!" They are "telling you" all you need to know!!!!!
Good luck...
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