A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can a marriage survive this way? We've been married for only 5 months, and we have a 10 month old daughter, and I am due again next month. We love eachother, and have known eachother for a long time. The thing is that there is no intimacy in our relationship. We don't say I love you, or kiss or hug or hold hands, or anything. I can't remember ever once getting a compliment from him. He has always been this way however, and I knew that. We are both affectionate toward our little girl, we both kiss her and I tell her I love her all the time. He doesn't tell her he loves her though, because his family never said it to eachother. I told him that one day she's going to wonder why mommy says it and daddy doesn't. He says that she will know he loves her. He's really good to us, and everything else is great (I'm not just saying that either) It honestly doesn't bother me at this point too much because we have our babies, and maybe that emotionally fulfills me, but I am worried about when the girls get older, and maybe I will start to feel as though I need these things from a relationship. I did used to try in the beginning of us dating, to kiss, say I love you, etc. but after a while of him never initiating it and doing it first, I felt like it was forced and I felt embarassed so it has completely stopped all together. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): you have a ten month old daughter, and you've been married for five months...rough estimation and elementary math means you had a daughter for five months before the wedding.IF that is true, then why wasn't it an issue BEFORE the wedding?Or is it a case of "we're married, NOW I can change him?"Also, remember that not everyone expresses love or afection the same way. Some say it, some show it... through gifts, or deeds, or even just spending time. It's not that either way is "wrong" but every person has their own preference.If he wasn't meeting your needs via "I love you"s prior to the wedding, it's unfair to expect him to change afterward, especially if you knew what you were "getting into."
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (22 February 2008):
 I can't understand how you marry someone without talking to them? Have you ever asked him why he never tells you he loves you? Why he doesn't hold your hand? Why he doesn't want to kiss you? You've obviously done something over the last year or so or you wouldn't have a 10 month old and be pregnant now. Right?
Communication is the cornerstone of a marriage. Talk to each other. Ask him why he doesn't show you any affection.
My parents never went out of their way to tell me or my brothers that they loved us. I assume they did. LOL. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't tell my son that I love him, so it's not an inherited trait.
Talk to him.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 My dad was like this. He still rarely says I love you to us kids but we know he does and he shows it in other ways. Like your husband he was brought up without that affection, had a very bad childhood. I remember my mum and dad having huge problems because he wasn't caring enough towards all of us and he never showed his feelings.
He changed though, and your husband could too. Really he needs to admit he needs to get some help as it's not normal to feel this way.
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A
female
reader, jabey +, writes (21 February 2008):
sadly, the way you describe your husband, is the same way as I would describe my father.
When someone has been brought up in a family environment where no love or affection is expressed, they then tend to repeat this pattern of behaviour. Especially men, they find it impossible to kiss, hug and say I love you. My father did this, and Im afraid it did effect me, and over the last 2 years i have had counselling to deal with my insecurities which were brought on by the lack of showing of affection from my father.
The one thing I learnt from this and you must enforce this on your daughter is that he really does love her and that he just finds it hard to express.And that it is not his fault.
Now as far as you are concerned, you to either will have to accept this man loves you dearly but struggles with the signs of affection. The only way to resolve this , is if he recognises that this is a problem, and that it is of deep concern to you and is he willing to seek maybe professional help to overcome this.
I suggest you express calmly how you feel and your concerns about the future. If he which many men like this are, unwilling to try to change then Im afraid you may have to accept your marriage this way. Or if you are lucky that he is willing to look deep inside himself for you and his daughter, then help and support him all the way. He has many years of behaviour patterns to change and that can be very hard.
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