A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently, my boyfriend and I had a chat that almost resulted in a break-up. The next day, he called me and told me he couldn't live without me... but that our relationship needed work. We're working out how to see each other more (we're in a long distance relationship), and everything seems almost back to normal... except I've noticed one thing. It's me that's saying "I love you" first. He's only saying it in reply, and I'm worried. How do I approach the subject with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): stop saying i love you and if he doesnt start saying he loves you he is not worth it. however if he brings it up with you just say you never said i love you to me first i thought you didnt love me. see where it leads
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your comments so far. I bit the bullet and talked about my feelings discreetly to him. You're both right, he wants to take things slowly, but he wants me to know that he DOES love me. He's told me he feels this is our last chance to make things work. As chlez83 said, it was one person doing all the travelling, all the phone calls... that person was me. He's realised that I've poured my heart into the relationship, but that he didn't, and that things had to change. He's coming up here more, and we'll occasionally meet halfway to cut costs. Things are getting better. Goes to show what communication does for a relationship. Thanks everyone! x
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (7 February 2008):
First of all,my heart goes out to you coz i know how hard it is to be in a LD relationship.You have to work twice as hard to make it work and in most cases one is highly committed to make it work while the other is really not sure and ends up destroying da whole thing.I agree with heartsick.When you realise your partner isn't in2 you so much step back a bit and stock take.I used to make da mistake of pouring "I love you" on her everyday that she began saying it outta obligation rather than meaning it and i gave her power and control to manipulate my feelings.Please don't fall in da same trap but be strong NOW and show him you are not his slave of love.As Boyz II Men used to sing,i'm afraid as is usually the case in LD relationships,the water has run dry.I can already see your commitment to make it work and you are doing a good job.He needs to do his part. It's a two way thing.You can't make it work on your own.If he doesn't i guess you know what to do.Move on and never look back.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, heartsick +, writes (6 February 2008):
Give it a bit more time. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable to say it at the moment, but the fact that he wasn't ready to let you go and wants to work things out says something!I'm not suggesting you play games, but perhaps if you don't say it for a while either, he won't feel under pressure to say it back.By telling him you love him, not only may you be making him feel guilty for being less sure, but you are also putting him in control.Back off a bit, confidence is sexy. Work on the issues, but lighten things up too. When my husband and I were long distance (and we had difficult times too), it was good to take a break from serious talking or romantic stuff, and get back to having fun together. We used to play online games like backgammon, and tease each other. It was sooooo hard not to ask him how he was feeling, when I was so anxious about things, but it kept the pressure off and reminded him what he loved about me! It worked for us.Good luck - it's hard to fight insecurity, but it's also hard for him. He's just not ready yet - you have some building to do.
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