| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I know what I'm about disclose is terrible and I feel like crap for my part in all of this but I really need some advice.....I met my partner about 2 and a bit years ago at work and we just clicked straight away. We went out a few times, spoke everyday at work and we would spend most weekends together; he was fast becoming one of best friends. I never really thought of him in a romantic way and actually thought he had a girlfriend although we never discussed it. One evening he came around my house and before I knew it we was kissing passionately. Although I really liked what had happened between us, I put it down to "just a bit of fun" and didn't think much more about it until the next time I saw him at work, he kissed me again saying how he had missed me. Our relationship progressed over the next few of months with us becoming almost inseparable, he even moved into my home. One night I was driving him to his cousins when he said he had something to tell me; he told me that he had another girlfriend and that the situation was complicated and he was sorry for hurting me. I was crushed and had to know why he would do this to me. After numerous discussions/ arguments, he finally told me that he was only with her so that he could marry her to get papers to stay in the country. I was disgusted that he would do such a thing but I was also deeply in love with him and eventually forgave him. We got back together and I promised to help him find another way to get stay in the country. I began researching to find a solution to his problem but due to the complex nature of the law and his situation, the only solution would be marriage. Although I thought about marrying him myself, we never discussed the possibility and everything came to a head as his mother became ill and he had to return home to take care of her. He flew his girlfriend over and they got married and are currently in the process of applying for a visa for him to come back. I spoke to him recently and he asked if I woud fly out and visit him. I know I should now leave him alone but I'm so tempted to go out to be with him. I asked him why he didn't marry me and his response was that when he does eventually marries me, he doesn't want there to be any doubts in my mind to the reasons to why he is doing it. Although he has not asked me to wait for him, I can tell by his tone that he is hurt when I talk about other men and seems alittle happy when things don't work out for me though he does wants me to be happy. I know it is wrong for me to consider being with him whilst he is still married but I can't help but want to be selfish in this situation. I have been so unlucky in love because I kept putting other peoples thoughts/feelings above my own that now I just want to go with my gut feeling which is to live for the moment. He is not a bad man and I think he does care for his wife but its not love, his situation is what it is and he just trying to deal with it. Also can I just add - he came to this country when he was 13 with false documents and was left here. He lived with various family friends unti he was old enough to live by himself and has always worked hard. He hadn't seen his mother for 8 years so panic when she became ill and left to be with her without thinking things through. I also know that I have no right to ask for advice because I should not have continued the relationship once he told me about his girlfriend but he truely does make me happy.
View related questions:
at work, best friend, cousin, crush, got back together, kissing, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Another Good Answer from Emily! You have to get to know him better...I wouldn't be flying off to another country though. I would wait till he's back there. Then have a long heart to heart, find out where the wife is coming from. And take it from there!
I understand how things happen, and you find yourself attracted to an unavailable man, but you have to think about his wife...remember, you are hearing only one side of the story!
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (15 February 2009):
I think it all depends on the nature of his marriage.
If she is in it for the cash / convenience then she may be fine with him having you. She may have her own reasons to marry.
However, if he is duping her into believing that he loves her and is basically USING her and planning to deeply hurt her at some point then I don't think I could
a) be a part of that with good conscience
b) be with someone who is capable of lying and deceiving and hurting someone like that for his own ends.
Insist that you meet up with them as a couple for dinner when you get back and talk to her about how they met etc. Judge for yourself what kind of man he is from how he has treated her.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
