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female
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anonymous
writes:I've been having a problem with my boyfriend for a little bit now. It seems that he thinks it's ok for him to say sexual remarks about my mom, my sister, and even some girls that he don't know. I'm pretty sure that he would never cheat on me, but I don't think that it's right for him to be saying stuff like that about anyone. For instance, last night, my mom was calling me and he said "well maybe she just wants to lick my balls". Another time he said about my sister "When I told her I was lifting 230 I think I made her wet". Does anyone else think that this behavior is normal? He never said anything like this before we got together and we were seeing eachother for 1 1/2 years. I get really pissed when he says this shit. I don't know if it's a male ego thing, but I told him that for him to say this stuff, he must be thinking about it. He even told me he wouldn't appreciate it if I said stuff such as that, but he still does it. Am I wrong for getting mad when he says this? Last night I slapped him in the arm really hard because of what he said cuz I'm really just getting sick and tired of listening to this crap anymore. I'm not going to leave him, but how can I make him understand that this stuff isn't appropriate? What should I do? I'm sure this isn't normal, right? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): heyyyyI think it's some guy thing to say stuff about your family. My guy mates say stuff like that all the time! Then again, my mates are 16! To be honest, it sounds like he's just trying to wind you up, which is pretty childish!p.s. Who's that dipsh*t that said slapping him was illegal?Wow, you take things too seriously!
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female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (12 December 2005):
 Thanks TankerNC, you must be pretty ignorant yourself then. If my boyfriend said he wouldn't appreciate me saying stuff such as what he says, obviously it's not a very good joke then, huh? And you "poppin' me one" is a lot worse than me smacking a damn arm. It's not a damn joke when one of the people don't appreciate. It's not funny anymore when someone feels disrespected. You must not respect yourself either. That's okay though. Thanks again.:)
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male
reader, TankerNC +, writes (9 December 2005):
Hey, I'd probably pop you one.
The GOOD advice that you ignored is everone who told you that these were jokes and you should take them as such. Advice doesnt just mean telling you what you want to hear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): Sheesh...now the friggin "bleeding hearts"whackos are coming out! Domestic violence, police, potential crime!? Give me a break! She just smacked his arm, people! She's NOT a criminal. Reeelaaaax!!
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female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (9 December 2005):
Anyways, you are way off the subject of what this was supposed to be. I slapped him in the freakin' arm, if he didn't appreciate it, I'm sure he would have told me or "hit me back" as you think is going to happen. Maybe you should quit writing on this subject since you aren't even staying on the purpose of it. You have not given any good advice since writing on here at all. Get over the fact that I slapped him "in the arm" maybe it is violence, but if he don't care, then maybe you should grow up and get over it too. If he wanted to do something about it, I know he would.
You, I'm guessing, are not very old and very immature, maybe more than my boyfriend, and I feel sorry for whoever has to deal with you because you are SOOO much more dramatic then I ever thought I could be.
You can keep writing all you want of course, since this is a free world and all, especially if you don't mind everyone on here reading how ridiculous you are being and ignorant.
I thought ladies were supposed to stick together, but maybe you aren't classified as a lady. You obviously don't have much respect for anyone, let alone yourself. Good Luck in the world while people walk all over you because you can't even respect yourself.:)
But please, stop being ignorant, you're only making yourself look bad. I am far from being abusive to anyone. When people get fed up, they have reactions. I've seen people get beat horribly for things less worse than this. Maybe you should actually see where I'm coming from or look into what is really going on here. Not just my actions, but his also.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): Oh Wow. As a woman I am shocked at how negligent some of this advice is. Go goole Domestic Violence, police policy. As you can see slapping someone in anger qualifies as a potential crime. It doesnt matter whether *you* think it hurts or not. And doesnt it bother you that if you make it acceptable to hit your partner whenever you feel angry at them, they might hit you back!!??"Domestic violence is a range of violent and abusive behaviours perpetrated by one partner against another. It may occur within the context of marriage or de facto relationships and includes couples who are separated or divorced.In Australia, domestic violence is a crime. All acts of physical and sexual violence constitute assault which are criminal offences.Physical assault includes slapping, pushing, punching, kicking, choking, or use of weapons against a partner to inflict injury. All acts of physical assault are criminal offences."
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female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (9 December 2005):
Thank you all for the GOOD advice that you have given me, but some of you are probably not well brought up or have sick minds. I do feel sorry for you really that no one can teach you how to respect others as everyone deserves.
This girl that keeps writing about how I'm wrong, I really do feel sorry for you because if your boyfriend makes such remarks as this and you think it's funny, you guys are both messed up in the head and obviously deserve eachother cuz you have no respect for anyone. That's fine by me because I'm not part of it.
But to everyone else that knows where I'm coming from, thank you. I just wanted to know if this behavior was normal and now I know from respectable people it's not. He does not do this in front of my family or doesn't do it to where one can hear or I'm actually on the phone so I can laugh about it, he does it when we're alone or while the phone is ringing knowing I will not pick it up. I've told him I don't appreciate it, this is his only fault, he makes disgusting sexual remarks, he may think it's funny, but I don't. I do love him and I'm hoping soon he will respect what I ask of him. Soon he will realize that what he is doing is immature I hope and get over it. He's perfect for me except for this little malfunction he has. It just takes him awhile and I'm not trying to change that. He treats me perfect until he says something like this to piss me off.
I just wasn't quite sure that anyone else has ever heard of their boyfriends saying this stuff or whatever.
Thank you all though, I greatly appreciate your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): Your bf is very much out of line. While you got a lot of great responses to your posting I was saddened to see the few irresponsible people who wrote to you and condemned you (?) and praised what he did?! What sad, small thinking people they are. You have to ignore their idiocy-their rationale is wrong-and they do not know the true meaning of 'mutual respect'. Sadly, this type of "skewed" thinking permeates deep into our society and it's insidious-so pay no mind to these letters who are putting you down. Remember, their own frustrations and personal disappointments (with their own lives) doesn't give them the right to be cruel. You are not wrong. This young fellow of yours has no respect for you, for your family or himself. Obviously he doesn't have the same personal core values you have. You are not the "bad guy" because you slapped him on the arm, either. That's simply ridiculous. (Illegal assault, indeed-give me a break!) I cannot tell you the many times I have seen an embarrassed, frustrated woman smack her partner on the arm because he was being an ass and making some derogatory remarks! And what does the guy do...he just laughs at her! Did it hurt him? No it did not. People should put their energies to becoming "something" and putting their well(?) thought out remarks to helping others, rather than using this forum to become big "nothings" and gloat about other people misfortunes. They need to know they shouldn't use this advice site to demean people rather than offer mature, constructive, insightful advice. Sigh...it takes all kinds. And I am sorry to you for what you have to tolerate. Just believe in your ethics, girl your self-respect and admirable qualities you possess as a person. Your bf is an immature cad...I think you are too classy and too mature for him. Someday if and when, he grows up to being a man of integrity...he will learn this. And oh by the way, I have met people in their 50's who think and behave the same way as your bf. So this issue of immaturity and disrespect, affects people of all ages. And they truly are the sad lonely people of the world, aren't they.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2005): I dont care if she feels 'guilty' about hitting her boyfriend- she needs to realize it is illegal and might get her hit back. All you people sucking up to her might be enabling her to get in more trouble. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry makes up this booming jovial voice for his girlfriend's stomach and everyone has fun for a while saying "LALALA" and stuff until the girl finds out about it and has no sense of humor. Jerry ends up dumping her so he can keep doing the jokey voice. Maybe its dumb but that is part of its attraction- he isnt actually saying these things so your family can hear and be insulted. The guy below who said you should be dating a 50 year old was right. Then he wont do anything young and exuberant and you all can talk to your mom about stocks.
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (9 December 2005):
Hello there, first off i hope those idiots who said to basicly get over it because its a joke and was funny didnt not upset you, althought it upset me to think that people could be SO inconsiderate about anothers feelings. What your bf is donig is completely wrong. You have told him how you felt and he hasnt shown any sign to change his behaviour has he. What he is doing is hurting you, i deffintly understand that. My ex bf use to make remarks similar about my mother and sister too, it really hurt me. It made me think how could he say he loves me and that i am the only one for him when he says that, it makes me feel like he has no respect...and he didnt. People who do that dont. its not acceptable, as simple as that. Why are you willing to put up with this? You said you have no intention on leaving him, but hes making you very un happy. What is keeping youwith him? you say you lvoe him, but how can you honestly love someone who treats you so badly? what are the good points in him? are they really worth the pain hes putting you through? what if you were to find someone else who would give you love, respect, understanding, commitment, loyalty and trust, and all the things you could want...would you leave him? yes i thought so...i think that just shows that you are setteling for less then what you want and less then you DESERVE. i hope you consider this because i hate to see someone who seems like a very lovely person being hurt by someone who doesnt deserve you.take carep.s. you hitting him, dont feel guilty about it, no matter what everyone else here has said. they are just insensitive idiots who probably treat people just as badly as your bf so thats why they are condoning the acts of his 'jokes' and not your reaction of anger and hurt.
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reader, TankerNC +, writes (8 December 2005):
If someone slapped me really hard they would be getting a response they might not like...And havent you guys heard of 'your momma' jokes? Lighten up! The dude is 21 not going on 55...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2005): To the anonymous female reader who stated, "He is not making 'sexual comments' about your family. He is making funny comments that have a sexual basis. Cause sex is funny." He is, in fact, making very crude, SEXUAL remarks about her family. How can you condone this type of behaviour. Good Lord! Comedic sexual banter is fun but not when a guy degrades a gf's family..that's pretty immature, disrespectful and shows his true character. The woman posted this letter has a right to be concerned about her 21 year old bf. She's lightyears ahead of him, in maturity and she should consider finding someone who has a bit more integrity and shares her values.
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reader, fairyangel  +, writes (7 December 2005):
 Sweetie, I'm going to keep this short and to the point...Your boyfriend has got a screw loose... He also has a filthy mouth.How on Gods green earth have you managed to endure him for so long? He seems to have excess energy .. maybe he is hyperactive? ... put him on ritalin,that should calm him down...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Take the genders out of it. Is it ok for someone to slap their SO "really hard" because they are mad? The law doesnt seem to think so, so dont rationalize...It is funny (as you admitted) because it so ridiculous and so out of context. And yeah when we are on the phone with our family or in some serious situation, my bf and I do try to make each other crack up by whispering something outrageous. He is not making 'sexual comments' about your family. He is making funny comments that have a sexual basis. Cause sex is funny. Mention to him that its freaking you out. Or that your mom has been asking about him in a strange way... Whatever. You are welcome for the help
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reader, sexseahot +, writes (7 December 2005):
Thank you Irish for your answer, he is 21 by the way. So, he's no teen, that's for sure. I'm just not quite sure the reason he says this stuff, but he must think it's humerous.
I admit it probably was funny the first few times I heard him say something, but who keeps saying this stuff over and over again? HIM!
To the other guy, it probably is supposed to be humerous, but would you like your girlfriend saying stuff about your dad or brother or even friend in a sexual way, like for instance "He definitely wants to eat me out" or "He's calling maybe because he wants to lick my tits".... I'm not sure if you'd find that funny, but I wouldn't ever say something like this to my boyfriend, I think it's wrong and I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea about me.
And this chick, it's not like I'm abusing him, we wrestle and slap, punch, it's not abusive, he's not going to call the cops on me and I don't believe I need any rage management courses. Maybe you do or something. I'm old enough to know what is wrong or right, ok? I'm older than him and if someone asked me to quit doing something that they didn't like I would, why? because I respect people and they're feelings. Sorry I wrote that I slapped him, it's not like I do this constantly and give bruises or cut him or anything of the sort, he's a strong man, he don't have to deal with me and I know no one's saying I have to stay with him and maybe sometimes I should lighten up, but who says it's ok to make sexual comments about one's family? I guess you wouldn't mind if your boyfriend did that, but I respect my family and think it's a bit wrong, ok? It just gets old and I'm sure it may be funny to you because it's not your boyfriend that's saying it. Think if you were in my shoes, how would you feel? Your boyfriend saying your mom wants to bang him or something of the sort. Would you really not mind? If you don't, then that's fine because your sense of humor I guess is a little different and more disgusting than mine. Thanks again for no help whatsoever
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Dear, you have an incredibly childish, immature bf there. Not sure how old he is but this this kind of irresponsible thinking and actions is normal for immature, irresponsible little teen boys. But it isn't normal for bf's in adult, loving, committed relationships. It's time for him to grow up and discover the world does not revolve around him and his unruly mouth. I totally concur with you....he needs to get into line. How can you make him understand? I'm not sure if you can, hun, but you can try. It's obvious he has found a "weak spot" that irks you and any decent, respectable guy wouldn't use that to get under your skin. Moreover, that most relationship arguments are about power and control and this is his way of retaining control. Who benefits most from your staying in this relationship. Certainly not you.
It is also time for him to stop playing games and hurting you. It's apparent you have made your thoughts and feeling known to him on this issue and he hasn't stopped doing it. Obviously, you are a person of integrity and you've been raised decently and respectfully well. This guy is not sharing your values and beliefs about respecting family honor ...take that as a red flag and I feel you should really rethink this relationship. Relationships only work when at least one member of the couple takes responsibility for his or her bad behaviors. If he doesn’t want to change his behaviors, it would be just as futile to keep this relationship ongoing, because you both will just keep repeating these battles until he decides to mature into a man...not just an empty husk. And that maturing process, my dear---may take him a lifetime. What you do is up to you. But your feelings are telling you that you're not happy with what's going on, aren't they? I hope you'll listen to them and let them guide you. I wish you confidence and happiness. Good luck.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (7 December 2005):
 Ok,i must admit,your fellas sexual comments on your mother and sister are very odd,does he like to shock you? Does he get a kick out of winding you up? He sounds very immature.Now he must know that you dont like his comments but he still does it.Which makes me wonder,does he have any respect for you or your family? Do you love him? If you do and you dont want to leave him then you only have 2 options,1st you stay and put up with it because he doesnt want to change,or the 2nd option is to walk away.Meet a man who is mature enough and gives you respect that you deserve. You lashed out at him because you were frustrated but the problem is,if he is not going to change then you are just going to hit out at him again,i dont think you want to be in a relationship where it will end up all bitter etc.Think about it,because you have got this now for the next 50 years.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Maybe you could give us more examples, because I agree that these do sound funny in a "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch" sort of way. Are they said to be funny?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): What if he just smacked you and thought it probably didnt hurt you either? Would that be ok?And yeah, the law does recognize a difference between physical and 'mental' (unappreciated jokes) abuse. No one is saying you have to stay with him. But you may want to lighten up.
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reader, sexseahot +, writes (7 December 2005):
Well I guess you're as sick as he is then. I'm not being abusive either, it's not like I hurt him, it was a reaction. I guess mental abuse is just better than physical then huh?
I don't find his remarks funny anymore, this shit is said over and over again. Thanks for no help though.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): Well those remarks were pretty funny, so you do have to cut him some slack.I am concerned about your physical assult on him! Thats illegal and immoral!You need to commit yourself to an rage management course immediately. That is if he doesn't call the cops and document the assult.
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