A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Are relationships ment to be like this?I'm 17 and I've been with my boyfriend since I turned 15. I really do love him he just makes me feel bad about myself constantly. The other day he told me if we finished no one else would stay with me because I'd nag then and they'd just leave me.He usually leaves me waiting to see him for hours on end. I tell him I don't mind him going out with his friends for a while it would just be nice to know when he wants to come pick me up. He has hit me, about 3 months ago when we where arguing I told him that a boy asked for my number and I said no because I had a boyfriend to prove I only wanted him and in a rage he chucked me on the floor and kicked me in my ribs and left a bruise. On other occasions he's hurt me and pushed me around.He doesn't even realise he's doing it, if I get a little upset because I've been waiting for about 4 hours for him to ring me he'll say 'Don't start this again'. But recently I've been in contact with a boy I've know since I was 13 - he's always nice to me but we'd never do anything because I'm with my boyfriend.And he never takes me out, he says it's because he has no money but I feel like he's embarrassed to be with me.I don't want to finish with my boyfriend because I'm worried he'll get someone else and they'll upset him by cheating and stuff.I know he loves me alot he just has a funny way of showing it. Any advice with how to deal with him would help.
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male
reader, Tosh77  +, writes (16 December 2007):
For the record, I'm a 30 something male but, Prima Facie, this situation reminds me of the years of relationships I witnessed my older sister go through. So here goes...I agree with one response, that if you stay with him then you're making a choice and this means you're accepting the way he treats you. I don't mean to be rude but I would possibly label you as a 'victim'. As perverse as it sounds some people, women more often generally, like being treated in such ways. This being the case then he may not be the only one with a problem. Your own self-esteem is probably something to consider.The danger of this situation is simple. And it's got a lot to do with expectations. Think of a spectrum of behaviour, bad to the left, normal in the centre and good to the right.Take his current behaviour, although you probably know it's not right, and not what you expected when you got involved, and it's clearly not normal to everybody else who sees you in such a relationship, it becomes 'normal' to you, over time. This causes your expectations change, and you become trapped. Your friends/family know his behaviour is not what it should be but because your expectations have changed to adjust he'll keep you under control by briefly behaving in ways seen as normal to everybody else. Because your expectation of 'normal' for a male in a relationship with you is so far left of centre (ie distorted), You'll see these brief exceptions as positive moves back towards good behaviour, but in reality he's still falling way left of centre on the behaviour spectrum of bad/normal/good.My advice is get out and get out now. At 15-17 you want to feel 'loved' but as probably every adult would have the experience enough to tell you, at that age both of you are extremely unlikely to be mature enough for a serious relationship and certainly 'love' at that age is not an adult kind. Also the fact is that guys mature later in life than women. The sad thing is he's probably not aware he's keeping you under control, he's probably just playing things out in this way because he's following the example set for him. Does he come from a stable home with a Mother and Father that love him? I'd be very surprised if he did.You say "I know he loves me". I respectively put to you that what you mean by this is "I want him to love me". Again, the word 'love' here is not likely to be the same as an adult describing the feelings they have when they are 'in love' with a man/women.You've only got a short life in this world, and no matter how much support your friends/family etc give you, the decision is yours to make. Although if I was your Father and I knew this was going on, I'd ban you from seeing him. You'd resent me but eventually you'd come to learn that it's for your own good.As the saying goes "if you make your bed, you must lie in it". Do you want to feel like this way when perhaps in 10 yrs time you're married to a man and your a mother to children? If you do nothing then you run the risk of being unable to prevent yourself being in a more serious and danger relationship when the stakes are much higher...ie with kids in the picture. All the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Dump him.
Sorry, but, honestly.
My Mom makes me feel like that, but I didn't choose her. You are choosing this relationship.
Don't you realize that there are really cool, sweet guys out there? I have one & I now of others. Why are you clinging to this crap?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): This guy is an abusive person. Stay away from him indefinitely. Anyone who hits you or makes you feel bad does not love you.
You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): No it is not
Darling it is nobody’s right to make you feel bad you should not put yourself in this situation .. You made have heard of the phase.. if you someone let them go .. if he loves you he will let you go.. to find yourself build up strength and say no to someone putting you down
Good luck and realize you have control over your life.. Even at this young age
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): ur not alone. im in the same postition :^) !
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A
female
reader, agonyauntlisaxxxx +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Kick him to the kerb, you deserve someone to love you and to appriciate you and you deserve to be happy.He's abusing you violently and also emotionally, i was emotionally abused I can see the signs of it happening.Sweetie, talk to your Mom or Dad about this. You have to talk to someone about this.Don't let your boyfriend treat you this way, you deserve better. You really do. First step - Talk to someone. A COunsellor even.Second Step - Dump The Boyfriend or sit him down and tell him he needs to get help.Third Step - Move on with you're life.I know this sounds hard but it gets easy once you start.Good luck and please do talk to someone you trust and love about this. xxx
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (11 August 2007):
You're bf is abusive. Do you knwo what that is? Seriously...im suprised you dont know that this is wrong. What hes doing is wrong, its as simple as that and seriously...why shuld you care if he goes out with someone else who might upset him? He obviously doesnt care about you- he physsically hurts you and keeps you waiting for hours on end. Not to mention a whole lot of other wyas he treats you badly im sure he does.
http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/
Visit that web site, it talks about abuse and will give you some advice.
Talk to a trusted family memeber or another adult.
You shoudlnt be putting up with this. You desevre A LOT more and he doesnt deserve you! You are unhappy in this relationship arent you? It doesnt have to be this way and it shoudlnt be. Leave him. Dont feel bad. You will find someone who treats you much better and as for him...he has many issues, as does any abusive person and its HIS responsibility to work them out. Not yours!
Please leave him, you will only end up letting yourself get more and more hurt.
If you arent ready to leave him right now, at least seek support from someone/somewhere. Maybe even see a counselor. If you REALLY want to try and work this relationship out, maybe you btoh could go to counselling. Or atleast you.
let me know how it goes and if you want to talk, just message me. Ive been in an abusive relationship before, I know how tought it is to leave...but I also know how badly it effects you the longer you stay in it.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Hi
Deal with him by getting rid! Seriously you are on a hiding to nowhere with this guy. Hes way too immature to be dating anyone. He needs anger management. Its only a matter of time before it happens again. At your age there are going to be lots of guys that offer you their number, its not your fault & you dont deserve a slap for it! I cant see any sane person telling you any different seeing as you're asking for advice.
Dont be worrying about him getting with someone else, you cant protect the whole universe. We can only hope & pray that people will stand up for themselves & not be treated like door mats. Thats what i hope you will decide. For your own safety.
You dont need to be treated that way, there are plenty of guys out there that dont behave like that. He will drag you down & keep telling you no one else will have you because he wants you to believe that. Its a control thing.
Good luck
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, loveNbasketball  +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Hey,I can totally relate. Almost 8 months ago I got out of a relationship exactly like that, one that was physically and emotionally violent. My ex-boyfriend made me feel bad constantly. You say he doesn't realize it, so make him. Rather than arguing, and saying "why didn't you do this?" or "why aren't you doing that?" tell him, "I understand that you have your own life to live, and that sometimes I can't be your number 1 priority all the time, but realize that it feels like everything I do isn't good enough. Don't say that our relationship is fine, because you know it isn't. But even though it isn't perfect, I'm trying to be the best girlfriend I can be, and you never picking me up or calling me or even telling me that I'm important makes me think that I'm not good enough for you...."But before you tell him your feelings, make sure to lay a few rules: 1) let you finish 2) do not interrupt 3) understand that you are NOT trying to pick a fight.Start with that, and see where it leads you. What you need is for everything to be laid out in the open without a hostile environment. I'm not promising you it will fix everything, but it will shed some light into your decision making about your relationship.All the best,loveNbasketball
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