A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys it me again.. Hope you all are doing fine. I need some advice on yet another dysfunctional relationship I have found myself in. After a string of physically abusive relationships I finally split up with the recent one who bit a chunk out of my arm and put me in hospital. I don't know wether I am a sucker for punishment but it was the last straw going to work covered in bruises and a bandage and I was humiliated. The worst thing is I am a really strong person and don't let people treat me like that but as soon as a relationship is in the picture I just accept that kind of treatment and after a year and a few questions and great advice from you guys I decided I deserved more and got out of the cycle which I really appreciate from you guys. Now what has happened I started a "relationship" if you could call it that with a guy I have know for 3 years. He's the typical nice guy holds doors open has manners all of that. He also isn't physically strong either so I am not intimidated by him which was my main reason to be with him as we do have a connection. But now the thing is he makes me feel worthless I don't know why. To start with he was great and would do anything for me but now I don't know what's happened. We were in a shop the other day and I wanted to buy a tv while we were there but he wouldn't let me, we drove there and he would have to drop me off anyway I would have carried it so I didn't see the problem. Another thing that kind of was a red flag for me is he asked me to be his fwb but I couldn't see anyone else I didn't agree and haven't slept with him but he's became a bit aggressive about it now and talks about it constantly. We went to a mutual friends house we drove as its far from where we live (he only lives a few minutes from me) but wouldn't let me leave? When I refused to have sex with him he became very distant and I felt very uncomfortable but again he wouldn't let me leave. It goes from flattery one minute to being cold and quite mean the next I don't know where I stand. So early into this it feels wrong but yet again here I am willing to put up with it because I need comfort and to be close to someone because I never had that before and somehow I am attracted to alpha males who are violent and 2 are now in prison but I miss them all the same as if they would have treated me like a princess. I know this is getting long but I just don't understand I do have a councellor and psychiatrist neither have been able to help me very much with it as the just let me talk but never offer any reason why or advise so I'm pretty stuck. Why do I stick with these guys and treat them so good and all I get in return is a slap or my self esteem shattered. I can't really talk to my friends about it because I feel that its not the way I portray myself to them and I don't want them to think I am weak. I just hope someone will be able to help me as to why I do this? Is it me do I just attract those kind of men subconciously or are there just no good guys left anymore, at my age anyway should I go for an older man in his thirties? Please someone help me I'm so confused
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in jail, older man, self esteem, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 From what you've written, and how you have written it, it seems as though he's intent on making this a sex-based relationship and yet, it seems he might also be the jealous type. That might explain his rather odd proposition and his behavior. It is just my opinion though.
You have had a past of tormenting 'relationships' so I hate to tell you that you that it is best to stay away from this man but that is my advice.
I sincerely hope that you don't let the past warp your view of what kind of men there are in the world. I can honestly tell you there are quite a few men out there who would treat you the way you are supposed to be treated, the way you deserve to be treated. Its just a matter of being patient and looking in the right places.
Its good that you are starting to look for the right type. The type of man that will treat you with respect, one who would not hurt you. This man was just a small mistake, he seemed to be the right man but only because he was trying to disguise his true intentions. But keep looking and stay strong. I got a sense that a part of you is still trapped in that dark place an abusive relationship sends you. Victims always remain with the abusers, but you have already half escaped. All you need to do now is try and forget that those ever happened, focus on the future.
I hope that helps.
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