A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For a long time my partner has told me i talk down to him, he has never specified how, or what i say, or how i say it, he just insists i make him feel unhappy. There are plenty of things going on in his life which make him unhappy, a bad relationship between him and his ex which inhibits contact to his son, his dad died when he was young and hes never got over it, and he suffers with depression. I have made an effort to change my ways, even taking tablets and enrolling myself in counselling to get some hold on the way i am with him, i know i snap and let things get to me easily, and he has a habit of pushing my buttons so i have made some attempt to get past this using various methods.however he keeps telling me i make him deeply unhappy, i dont do anything i can see that would make him feel this badly about our relationship, i let him get on with his life, and never gripe about the things my friends seem to constantly gripe at their husbands/boyfriends for including spending up to 16 hours per day on his computer, i have been supportive over the situation with his son, i have tried my best with everything, but it always comes down to the fact i talk down to him and he hates me for it.I have offered to leave more than once, only to be met with 'its not that simple is it' and why cant i just change. i dont understand why if someone made someone that unhappy you would want them to stick around. Its bringing me down and making me miserable, i dont want to just up sticks and leave because i love this man, but im finding everything too hard to bear, i have taken on the brunt of his problems because he doesnt talk to his family or friends about anything that bothers him and this is just pushing me over the edge. I have started to hate every bone in my body because of this horrid person he makes me out too be, and i just dont understand what it is which makes him dislike me so much
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): You say that you are the one taking tablets, getting counselling and trying to change. Is he doing these things too and taking steps to lift himself out of his depression? If he isn't and is simply expecting you to change and that will "make him happy" then you should rethink your involvement in the relationship.
I'd like to stress that no-one can MAKE another person feel a certain way. Do exactly the same thing to 5 different people and you will get 5 different responses/feelings out of them. Our feelings come from within us and only the person experiencing the feeling can do anything to change it. Only your boyfriend can change the way he feels. I learned this after years of being in depression myself - it's so much easier to blame other people or situations for feeling low than it is to take responsibility for your own feelings.
You do not MAKE your boyfriend feel unhappy. He does that all by himself.
You've been together for a while so if his depression is a relatively new situation I would try to support him and encourage him to get medical help and therapy to help him through this. If the relationship has been like this pretty much from the beginning or has been going on for a while and your boyfriend is refusing to help himself, then I think it's time to leave. He probably won't change and will continue to blame you (and others) for his feelings.
As for leaving being "not that simple" - actually it is. You simply need to pack your bags and leave. Sure it'll be painful and you will probably feel horrifically guilty but no-one will look out for you as well as you can look out for yourself.
Rest assured, you are not bad person. You have done your best but sometimes love just isn't enough...
A
male
reader, funnyintit  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 There's so many reasons for a relationship to be this way....You say you let him get on with his life, sometimes not necessarily a good thing, doing this can sometimes appear that you don't care. I think men need someone in there ear giving out sometimes.Offering to leave isn't good either, you should just leave if you want to.If he wants to talk he will, you just have to be patient, you could be coming across as patronising when your trying to get him to talk,just ask one question and leave it at that...If things don't get better, i don't think this is a relationship you need.. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): Change your ways again and put boundaries on this man. He is very rude and says things that would end a relationship. It is not you. If he was trying, he would communicate better and with more respect. Honestly, if some guy said, you don't make me happy, I'd be like, well you can't tell me what you're unhappy about, to deal with the issue, and you are actually stating it is me, who the hell do you think you are. I'd make a lot of men happy. All are different. You are obviously saying you want out. Or you'd be more careful. I don't like him. I wouldn't date him.
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