A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have known each other for at least ten years, but have only been dating for about a year and a half. He had a crush on me for the LONGEST time and I always turned him down, until I realized what I was turning down. He is funny, loving, and not like any other guy I have ever dated. We share a weird obsession for food and understand each other’s humor like no one else can. This relationship was picture perfect!Up until a couple of months ago, he went to school at a college five hours from mine, in my hometown. So before the fall semester began, we only saw each other about twice a month or on holidays when I would go home. Well, this semester we go to the same college and see each other practically every day. I knew things were going to change in our relationship since it no longer meant having to communicate through Oovoo, but I didn't expect things to take a turn for the worse!Last week he sent me a 1500-word email basically listing everything I have ever done or said that annoyed him. Just to give you a taste: he hates that I don't like showing PDA, that I don't constantly show affection, and my personal favorite - that I don't put him up on a pedestal like he does for me. Now, granted some of the points he made did have credence, like me having a double standard of what he can keep at my apartment versus what I can keep at his. But was it necessary to send me a mean-spirited email that basically lashed out at me and almost sounded like he hated everything about me?! From the beginning of this relationship, I told him that I don't like being treated like I'm a princess or doing typical 'boyfriend/girlfriend traditions' like six month anniversary celebrations. Yet, he still did! I know I have a great man on my hands, but should I get blamed for not reacting the way he wants? I am disgusted by girls who constantly brag about the expensive gifts their boyfriends get them or are overtly inappropriate with their affection. I always told myself, and my boyfriend, I would never be that kind of girlfriend. I thought I had a great relationship and an amazing boyfriend for understanding. Apparently not!I was in a complete puddle of tears after reading the email that I couldn't even muster the energy to look him in the eye later that day. He apologized for the email, said that it was sent in anger, and that he should have sat me down and talked face-to-face instead. By this time I was just angry! We had a similar instance during the summer, in which I told him that he should always be open with me; I have thick skin - I can take it! Did he not learn anything from that incident!? Subsequently, I told him we should take a break and maybe figure out whether it is a good idea for us to stay together. He was surprised I proposed such an idea and didn't think one email could potentially lead to a break-up. He just thought he was venting.Am I over-reacting? I thought we had an open and honest relationship, but apparently I was the only one being open! How do I get him to open up so that something like this never happens again? Should I just dismiss this as him venting and wanting to get a few things off his chest? The email really hurt my feelings and I'm not sure how I feel about separating or staying together. I still love him and am willing to work on this relationship, but I have no guarantee of something like this not happening again. The only time I can get him to open up to me is if we have something like this happen. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): Tell him that the email was very hurtful and that you cried, and that it would be much easier if the two of you talked. Let him know that this is so that you can get along better and understand each other. And ask him to make a list of your GOOD points.
In fact you could both make a good and bad list of each other and then discuss each point.
Talking about things is what good relationships are about, trying to find a solution that suits you both.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, kerbear75  +, writes (6 October 2010):
Having tough skin is a great thing. My thoughts are that because he is not as open to hearing his faults he used email. I dont know what to say because I have not read the email, but I would suggest you ask yourself if there are any faults on that list that you are not willing to change.
The ones that you are not going to change should be talked about with him... and he will have to decide if that is a deal breaker.
Email is an easy way for us to say things we would never say in person or even on the phone, and sometimes it really backfires... this sure is one of them.
If you do forgive him, maybe email each other a list of all the things you do like about each other, and when his list of faults crosses your mind you have so hard copy words of his love too.
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