A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating and living together over 3 Years, we have had a lot of problems but seem to hang on... I have troubles with trust because he is a internet addict, talks to other women in a way he should not and also has been on dating sites.... So he has deleted facebook and other sites... Now we typically go to bed together at night but he sometimes wants to stay up without me, I have a major problem with that because of his love for the internet... Am I wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt blows my mind how I've told you very little about my relationship problem and your advice is amazing!!! You all hit the nail on the head about myself and him!!!! Thank you!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 Are you wrong, in which sense ?... do you want to know how possible or probable is that he goes trolling the net for womeen as soon as you turn your back ?...
Sure, it's possible. Probable, in fact - quite probable, since you say he has an Internet addiction, he is sort of addicted to this kind of stuff.
But , do you think that forcing him to go to sleep when you do would solve the problem ? ( Beside the fact that I cannot see how you can send an adult to bed earlier if he does not want to. Short of drugging him.... ) Let's say that he humours you just to stop you from nagging - you can't watch him 24/7, he can find occasions to be up to no good all day long : from work, while you are busy cooking or cleaning or doing whatever, .. even when he's locked in the bathroom.
The problem is, that you have trust issues not because you are paranoid but because he DID break your trust many times. And the clincher is- that unluckily you cannot rebuild this trust, because he is not cooperating at all ! he did not admit he is at fault, he did not apologize, he did not promise to change, he did nothing to reassure you. In fact, he denied while caught red handed ! and reacts by breaking stuff if you bring up the subject !!
Does this sound to you like a man who wants to gain your trust back ??? That sounds to me like a man who wants to do the heck he wants when he wants, and gets pretty pissed off when you try to make this less easy for him !
Regardless : breaking appliances and stuff during an argument, and not just once but as a matter of course , is abusive. If you are smart you'll dump his deceiftul ass pronto. Before he can break your bones, rather than the phone. Which is way more than just a remote possibility.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2016):
 Thanks for the follow up OP,
And I agree with Ciar.
This doesn't sounds like a happy healthy relationship. The fact that he got you walking on eggshells over the things HE DID wrong instead of acknowledge them, talk them over and move on - he throws tantrums to GET YOU to shut up... And what's worse... it works.
Do you really see yourself with him long term? Where HE decides what is off limits to talk about (him) and what's not (you)?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 I answered before your follow ups were published, but my advice is pretty much the same.
The trust issues you refer to are you learning to trust yourself to make the right choices.
You might be too focussed on whatever good there is in this guy that you might miss out on instead of the even better that awaits you farther ahead (without him).
You don't have to make any big decisions right now so what you can do is start quietly getting your ducks in a row. If he has a nasty temper and you fear for your safety of that of your property start moving small valuables out of the house, say to a safe deposit box (without him knowing about it). Gather up, scan and save important documents, photos and the like on a DVD (safe deposit box) or upload it to a cloud account (one he doesn't know about and can't figure out the password if he did).
This gives you something to do instead of sitting on your thumbs and stewing about it. Keeping busy with something useful keeps your mind occupied and empowers you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 January 2016):
I agree with Honeypie.
Expecting him to go bed when you go to bed is unreasonable. Trying to control him will not make him trustworthy, but increasingly resentful and resistant.
Your trust issues are ultimately up to you to resolve. That's a YOU issue, but the way to do that is to learn to have faith in yourself to make the right choices.
Like Honeypie says, this was not a one of, but a pattern of behaviour over a period of time. So you have to ask yourself if staying with him is the right choice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour absolutely right and but unfortunately we can't sit down and discuss this( although we tried last night, failed!) Because he has a horrible temper and the end result is broken things, phones, computers , remote controls. You name it. He denies everything even when caught red handed, and it gets ugly with words, he says I'm crazy and psycho.... I know I have to end it but for some reason I have a hard time and I don't know why, that's the truth....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are absolutely right but I've tried to sit down and talk but he has a horrible temper so we get nothing but broken things around the house also he denies everything even the things he gets caught at... Responds with I'm crazy and nuts, and I'm frustrated!!! The only thing to do is end what's broken but I have a tough time doing so
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2016):
You staying up with him won't prevent him from doing stupid or inappropriate things online. Same goes for him going to be with you. My guess is that because of his prior actions you don't trust him at all when it comes to online activities. (not that I blame you.) BUT YOU have made the choice to stay WITH him regardless of him inappropriate behavior and he had (as far as you know) stopped doing the things he was online. So it SHOULD be a done deal. That's the thing with forgiveness. Once you forgive something it HAS to go in the "over with" box. But you either haven't forgiven him, and you certainly haven't moved forward either. And maybe there is good reason for it, maybe you can't. BUT what you end up with is a relationship based in distrust. That rarely works for people.
My husband and I have very different sleep schedules - I go to bed "early" and get up very early (4.30am) he goes to bed "late" and get up later.
I get that you think by going to be WTIH you, you have some sort of "control" over what he does (or rather doesn't do) online - but here are the flaws in that:
1. it's NOT your job as a partner to monitor you partner.
2. If he wants to do things online HE will.
3. It's UP to him to SHOW you that you again can begin to trust him.
So where do you want to go from here? Being resentful over the past? Being resentful over him not wanting to go to bed at the same time as you every day? Sit him down and talk? Work on the trust thing?
What he did was nothing short of disrespect and deceit. And that is not something people overcome with the snap of a finger. HE has to PROVE to you that it won't happen again, that YOU staying with him means he wants you to trust him again.
Often though, it is pattern people who DO (cheat) or whatever inappropriate thing they do, they want to continue. They get better at hiding it. And that is where the trust issues come in. So you have decide if you REALLY want to stay with this guy and find a way to work through it... or if you are done with him, and what he did.
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