| A
female
,
*ishes
writes: Hello, I am after desperate help to save my relationship with my partner. I am 22 years and he is 40 years. We are soul mates! We have been through so much more grief than anyone should have to go through however it has meant that we have become so strong and mean everything to each other. We aren't completely happy unless we are together. However my partner has insecurity and jealousy issues that he cannot deal with. It has come to the point where He, not me, is saying that he can't handle all these feelings in his head. He has never ever been a jealous person but he gets very protective over me, even to the extent that another man looking at me makes his blood boil. I think that it is because he loves me so much and is scared of getting hurt. He agrees that it is this, but he doesn't know how to change it. He wants to break up because he cant handle feeling angry about things all the time. He thinks I deserve better and should be with someone my own age, who will treat me better. I know that I wouldn't find anyone that suits me as well as he does. I can't believe that a couple would break up and loose everything that is important to me because the love is so strong it is causing problems? I have asked him to see a counsellor but he sees no way that a counsellor can change his feelings. I said maybe they will just make you see them in a positive light and help you with dealing with them. But he doesn't think it is possible. I do not want to loose the man of my dreams. I cant imagine not waking up to him every morning. Please help. It's getting worse and worse. Thank you so much. I will await any advice you may have.
View related questions:
jealous, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 September 2005):
 These jealous rages are his control issues. If he's not willing to address the reason for them, then they will get worse with time. The fact that he's not willing to go and try to get his feelings sorted with a professional makes me very, very edgy...
Contrary to what you see, I see a man in mid-life, so desperate to hold onto his youth that he's snarling and snapping like an animal at any other men who dare to get too near to "his" woman. This sounds to me like a situation that could spill over into violence, either to some innocent guy who makes the mistake of being attracted to you, or to you yourself, because he convinces himself that you "led (someone) on".
Please tread carefully in this relationship. I get a distinctly uncomfortable feeling about his motives and his excuses for not dealing with what is his own problem. This guy - far from being anyone's "soul mate" - sounds like a probable control freak, and possibly an abuser. A counsellor can't change his feelings, sure, but a good counsellor can help him discover why he feels that way, so that HE can change his OWN feelings. If your partner can't see that, he's very ignorant and very stubborn. Someone who loves you should be willing to try to atone for past errors and make sure that he doesn't make the same mistakes over and over again, but your guy just dismisses that out of hand?! I'd worry.
If you manage to cling on to this relationship (I'd say Run, Run, Run, but you'd ignore me), watch for signs that he's trying to blame you for his jealousy, or trying to manipulate you. For example, if he says, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't go out with your friends, because you'll meet someone else", or "I love you so much that I can't bear to see you with your friends", you may actually be in a relationship with a control freak.
Your partner must be willing to work on his "issues" and fix them; otherwise, he'll end up driving all your friends and family away. Trust me, I've been there.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (5 September 2005):
 People with deep-set insecurities like this can cause harm to others and their own relationships. It's really sad to hear that it's causing so many problems for you two, you sound like you really are made for each other.
It's hard to understand where these insecurities come from and I think him seeing a counsellor or therapist is a very good idea. They can help him come to terms with his problems by finding the root of why he feels the way he does.
You sound really happy and you must try so hard to get through this together. A relationship like this is so precious so talk things through together and tell him you think it would be good for him to see someone. I know he says it won't work, but he can at least try, can't he? Tell him you're there for him whatever, you love him and don't want anyone else. But this will not fizzle out on it's own, he needs professional help. Good luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (5 September 2005):
Have you ever heard of N.L.P. This would be perfect for your partner. Look in the local paper or yellow pages for a practitioner. Only one or two sessions are needed and it really works for uncontrollable behavior like jealously. It's not hypnotherapy or counselling so you boyfriend might try it.
...............................
|
